


Growing our own Daisies

by connyhascontrol



Series: Growing our own Daisies [1]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Dolly is a dog, F/F, Katya is a journalist, Lesbian AU, Trixie used to be a country music star, now she's mostly a lovable brat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-05-07 21:10:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 45,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14679564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/connyhascontrol/pseuds/connyhascontrol
Summary: Trixie Mattel had the music career she always wanted, until she didn't want it anymore. Maybe fully becoming a recluse was a bit drastic, but loneliness is a price worth paying for her independence. It seems ironic that journalist Katya Zamolodchikova is the one person to help her find a space between the extremes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Trixya fic and the first thing I've written in years. That it's getting published at all I owe to a few wonderful people: [Charlotte](https://mizfaaanjie.tumblr.com/) for beta reading this, [Naty](https://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) for being my constant cheerleader and convincing me that this isn't trash, [Rosie](https://crackerdyke.tumblr.com/) for getting me into the world of trixya lesbian AUs, inpiring me with her stellar writing and coming up with the idea of Trixya and Wolfhounds in [a ticket to anywhere](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11679390/chapters/26287749) , and [Johanna](https://mallstars.tumblr.com/) for making me feel so welcome in the fandom and also making me associate Katya with daisies because of [Love Shack](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12649179/chapters/28825857). 
> 
> The title was inspired by Kacey Musgraves' song Biscuits.

Immense regret is what Trixie experiences as she holds several outfit options up to her body, trying to decide on one. For the first time in five years she has to dress for somebody other than herself and it’s her own damn fault. Well, Kim’s fault really. But in the end it was Trixie who agreed to having a journalist at her house, the very thing she has fought against for years. But when your only friend, who has always accepted your decisions, even when everybody else told you you were stupid and ungrateful, asks you for a favour for the first time ever and you’re not a complete garbage person, you at least consider it.

“I told Violet I’d ask and I’m not just asking so I can say I asked. Actually think about it,” Kim had said and before Trixie could answer her she had sprayed her blonde curls with a generous amount of hairspray, so Trixie didn’t get a chance to say no right away.

One interview to save a magazine for queer women, as a favour to her former hair and makeup artist, now turned only human contact and by default best friend. Kim had only been there in the first place because Trixie had realized she hadn’t had a hair cut in six months and had asked for one in exchange for cuddling Dolly for an hour or two. Kim could never resist that.

“Violet is pretty hot, if that helps," she had told Trixie, as if that was going to be a determining factor.

The day had ended with her calling her manager Michelle and letting her know that if there was an interview request from Curve Magazine to set it up.

“Wait, hold up, you want to give an interview?”

“No, I don’t want to but I will. I’m doing someone a favour.”

“ _You?_ ”

“Wow, thanks. Just set it up, Michelle.”

Apparently Kim’s friend Violet had called the very next day. Trixie had set the date for the end of October, three weeks later, just because she could. She had let Michelle handle all the set up, which quickly turned out to be a mistake.

“Right, so Violet and her photographer will be there at 2 pm, as you requested.”

“Why is there a photographer?”

“Because they’re doing an in-depth portrait of an artist every month and that includes a couple of shots.” This was Trixie’s punishment for being a brat about the date, she just knew it.

“I will not have a photographer in my home.”

“Then you’ll have to meet them somewhere else.”

“No, there's not going to be photos.”

She had heard Michelle sigh over the phone. “How about there will be photos but Violet takes them herself?”

“Fine.”

Immediately Michelle’s voice had gotten bright and chirpy. “Perfect.”

Trixie had kicked one of the throw-pillows off her couch. “This was your plan all along and you let me negotiate so I could feel like I was getting something out of this compromise, wasn’t it.” It wasn’t really a question.

“You know it, baby.” She had hung up and Trixie had let out an admittedly juvenile sound of frustration. This was what she got for hiring a tough lady manager who was able to keep people off her back but unfortunately always got what she wanted.

Now it is three weeks later and she can’t decide what to wear. She turns around to her bed, that seems to be completely taken up by Irish Wolfhound.

“Dolly, which one?” She holds up a pink dress in one hand, a blouse and denim skirt in the other. Dolly wags her tail and continues to be perfect, but unhelpful. In the end Trixie decides the dress is too much and goes with the blouse. It’s cream coloured and has pink flowers printed on it. The bell sleeves start below the shoulder, which means she has to dig through her closet for her strapless bra. She hasn’t worn that in years. The skirt has a high waist and isn’t too short but still shows off a lot of her legs. She doesn’t wear shoes because she refuses to be made uncomfortable in her own home.

She takes her time doing her makeup. Trixie knows how to make her skin look perfect, frame her face the right way with her carefully filled-in brows and some light contouring. She thinks back on how she used to do it for the stage. She still thinks it’s beautiful but this house is not the right place for that. She still applies her signature pink lipstick. By the time she is done it’s only 10 am. It’s going to be a very long day.

________

At exactly 2 pm someone rings at the gate.

“Hi, uh, I’m here for the interview," comes a slightly uncertain voice through the speaker and Trixie buzzes her in. Two minutes later she can hear a car coming up her driveway and watches it through the kitchen window. Trixie knows nothing about cars but it's old and has definitely been through a lot. The driver gets out and Trixie gets a little closer to the window. She's wearing a black pantsuit with a red shirt and her shoulder-length dirty blonde curls are open. She's also wearing bright red lipstick and matching stilettos. With a grin Trixie watches her struggle slightly with walking across the gravel towards her front door and then the bell rings. She stays in her spot for a good 30 seconds before going to answer it.

Trixie has to agree with Kim, she’s hot. She has a square jaw, chiseled cheekbones and mesmerizing blue-green eyes. She also looks like she’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Her forehead glistens with sweat and she smells overwhelmingly of cigarettes. Trixie realizes she was probably smoking and waiting outside the gate, making sure she was perfectly on time. Suddenly Trixie feels slightly bad for making her wait.

“Violet, I presume.” The woman shakes her hand firmly after not discreetly at all wiping her hand on her pants.

“Actually it’s Katya.” Her voice is low and raspy. “Violet unfortunately couldn’t make it and there had to be some last minute rearrangements.” Trixie’s displeasure must show clearly on her face because Katya leans in and stage whispers out of the corner of her mouth: “You didn’t hear that from me but she’s got a nasty stomach bug and is probably shitting her heart out right now, if that cheers you up at all.”

Despite herself Trixie snorts at that. “It sure does. Come on in.”

They don’t get far into the hallway when the sound of paws reaches Trixie’s ears and Dolly trots around the corner. She is about to send her to her bed when she sees Katya’s face light up.

“Oh my god, you’re beautiful!” Dolly happily wags her tail, as she does every time anybody addresses her, and Katya extends her hand towards her big scruffy head but then pulls back, her head jerking around to Trixie, obviously nervous.

“You can pet her but be aware that if you do she will follow you around as long as you’re here.” At her words Katya flashes her a dazzling grin, puts down the large camera bag she has slung over one shoulder and almost makes grabby hands towards Dolly.

“You’re such a pretty big girl, aren’t you," Katya murmurs, Dolly’s large head cradled in both her hands. Trixie has to fight to keep her grin in check but still all she does is stand there and watch Katya enthusiastically pet her dog. She forces herself into motion, making her way into the open living area and after a moment of more baby talk from Katya she hears a pair of heels clicking and dog paws thudding after her. Trixie leans her hip against the dining table.

“So, how do you wanna do this?”

Katya assesses the room, her gaze lingering on the floor-to-ceiling windows.

“I’d like to start with the interview and do photos later. They’re gonna look great when the light’s a little lower.” Trixie hums in agreement. That’s what she would have told Katya if she had suggested starting with the photos. She’s glad she didn’t have to and tells herself to stop being such a bitch.

“Alright, make yourself at home.” She gestures to the sofa. “Would you like a coffee? I want coffee.”

“Oh, you don’t have to-” Katya’s voice trails off as Trixie stares at her, brows raised.

“Thank you, I’m fully aware of that.” So much for being less of a bitch.

“Black, no sugar, please.”

Trixie nods and walks to the kitchen area. The familiar motions of filling water and ground coffee into her little espresso maker help her calm down. She sets it on the stove, then pours some milk in a mug and puts it in the microwave to heat up. As she waits she watches Katya across the room. She has set out a notebook and her phone on the coffee table and is now kneeling on the floor giving Dolly belly rubs, who is overjoyed with all the attention she’s getting. Katya seems to have relaxed significantly and it makes her look five years younger. Through her thick foundation it’s hard to tell but she probably isn’t 30 yet.

Leaning against the counter, arms crossed loosely in front of her chest, Trixie takes her time looking at her guest. The pantsuit is actually a simple pair of black slacks and a jacket with a swirly pattern flocked on. The red blouse she wears underneath has cartoon eyes all over it, matching the eye necklace she’s wearing. Trixie has to admit it’s an interesting and well thought out look with a stunning effect. Even if the jacket still has the price tag peeking out at the neck.

The microwave going off startles both of them, pulls Trixie out of her musings and makes Katya jump and retract her hands from Dolly as if she was caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to do.

Trixie makes her own coffee with plenty of milk and sugar in her favourite pink and yellow striped mug and then grabs a black one painted with daisies for Katya. After setting down their drinks on the coffee table she sits on the armchair opposite the sofa, tucking her legs underneath herself. Because this is her home and she refuses to act any different than she usually would.

They start the interview and it’s very much what Trixie had expected. Questions about the start of her career, from growing up in Wisconsin, her grandpa teaching her how to play the guitar to her first US tour at the tender age of 16. It surprises her how quickly she slips back into the old Trixie, who smiles and patiently answers the questions she has answered so many times. She finds she doesn’t mind as much as she used to it, but that might be because Katya is an attentive listener who peppers her boring story with charming little comments, that make Trixie laugh more than once.

“When you commented on the story behind ‘Two Birds’, was that planned or a spontaneous decision?” Katya’s notebook lies on her knees as if forgotten, her intense gaze fixed on Trixie. She snorts.

“The story was never interesting. I got dumped and I wrote some sad songs about it. It’s not like I came up with that concept and that’s not what people were asking about, they wanted to know about the person behind it. And it wasn’t planned.” Trixie sets her now empty mug down a little more forcefully than intended and flinches slightly at the sound.

“My manager at the time had always drilled into me that coming out was going to ruin my entire career and I believed him for a long time. But I was so tired, you know? I was heartbroken, what did it matter that it was a woman and not a man? I thought if nothing else it might make people shut up for five minutes. So when I got asked the same question for the eighth time in five days I just answered it.” She smiles dryly at the memory. “It worked, by the way. The interview ended very quickly after that.” Katya grins at her and nods.

“I couldn’t have anticipated the consequences," Trixie carries on. “The bigots burning my merch and sending me death threats, sure, but becoming a lesbian icon? That was a surprise.” Katya laughs, complete with flailing arms and legs and Trixie finds it’s easy to laugh along. Once the laughter dies down Trixie feels the need to explain herself and does so quietly, her eyes wandering around the room, looking anywhere but the woman opposite her.

“I know that's what everyone thinks, but it wasn't the homophobic comments that made me quit. What made me quit was that I was 30 years old and for the first time in my adult life I had said what I thought and what was the truth and everyone around me told me that was the worst decision I had ever made. And I realized I didn't have to live like this. There was no reason for me to get screamed at and called selfish by my manager, a balding divorcé, who was supposed to work _for me_ , just because for once I had been completely honest.” Dolly walks up to her, laying her large head on Trixie's lap, and she starts scratching her behind the ears.

“I felt like a person for once and I couldn't turn my back on that.” A movement in the corner of her eye catches her attention and she looks up at Katya who is trying and failing to hide the fact that she teared up.

“Oh, Jesus, I’m so sorry.” She carefully wipes at her face, trying not to disturb her dark eye makeup too much. Trixie silently grabs a tissue box from underneath the coffee table and pushes it towards Katya, who pulls two tissues out and starts dabbing at her eyes. “It's just, with all the speculation flying around… You didn't leave to escape something, you did it to find something and that's wonderful.” She gives her a watery smile.

Katya gets it. They've known each other for all of two hours and Katya has summarized in one sentence what Trixie has tried to get people to understand for five years. Then again she has never really told anyone the whole story. Maybe this really is her chance to get her side out there. She wants to reach over the coffee table and squeeze Katya’s knee, instead she just smiles back at her. Dolly decides it's time for her to put her head on Katya's lap and she laughs a little.

“You have an amazing dog.”

“I know, she's the best dog in the world. I fell in love with her the second I saw her at the animal shelter. She was so big, but so gentle. I took her home with me three days later.”

They're quiet for a bit, Trixie giving Katya a moment to collect herself. The clock on the mantle catches her eye and she notices 4 pm has come and gone. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. Trixie doesn't know how quickly Katya works but they should probably get a move on with the photographs if they don't want to lose the light. Katya agrees when she mentions it and starts setting up a ring light while Trixie goes to touch up her makeup.

She returns to an impromptu photo shoot of Dolly with Katya instructing her from behind the camera.

“Give me glamour, give me high fashion!”, she says in a terrible French accent. Dolly wags her tail. “Yes, perfect!” Trixie laughs from her spot at the door and Katya stops but grins at her.

“I think we’ve done it. We’ve found America’s next top model.” Trixie wanders over and Katya shows her the photos she's taken on the tiny screen. She realizes Katya has used this to test out different angles and has found the best lit spot in the house. Trixie knows this. It's where she takes selfies that nobody else ever gets to see.

“I was thinking we could get the armchair over here, if that's alright?”

“Sure.” Trixie is about to drag her favourite powder blue armchair across the rug when Katya marches over, grabs it by the armrests and carries it to the spot she wants it in. Trixie knows it's a very heavy chair and Katya doesn't look particularly bothered. She does take off her jacket though and Trixie catches a glimpse of her toned stomach. She imagines what it would be like to run her hands over it and then immediately takes a deep breath. This is not the time for that.

Katya is confident in instructing her how to sit and where to look and in a matter of minutes she says: “I think we’ve got it. Would you like to see?”

Without thinking about it Trixie replies: “That's alright, I trust you.”

Katya packs up her equipment with restless fingers and one foot impatiently tapping on the floor. For a moment Trixie gets indignant. It’s not like she asked to have somebody hang around her house all day. If Katya wants to leave she can just go. Then she puts it together.

“I’m sure I have an ashtray somewhere if you wanna go out for a smoke.”

Katya’s whole body sags. “Oh my god, thank you so much!”

Trixie digs an ashtray out from underneath her sink and when she gets up Katya’s face is red. She realizes her denim-clad ass was perfectly on display. Trixie points Katya towards the veranda door with a smirk and sets out to make more coffee. By the time it’s ready Trixie registers how hungry she is and opens the plastic container with the cinnamon rolls she made the other day. Katya is still outside and she decides to join her, carrying everything out on a tray and then setting it down between them on the wooden bench Katya has sat down on. It is too cold for her to sit there with bare legs. Trixie ignores that. She gestures to the cinnamon rolls.

“Feel free to have one if you like, but if you don’t rest assured, I will happily eat them both.” Katya snorts, thanks her and grabs one of the plates. The noise that leaves her lips when she bites into it is definitely indecent and Trixie is extremely pleased with herself.

“Oh my god, that’s incredible.”

“Thanks.”

Katya stares at her in awe.

“Did you make this?” Trixie nods. “ _Seriously_? What kind of Wonder Woman…” her voice trails off and she keeps looking at Trixie and then the pastry in her hand. Trixie is still smiling as she sips her coffee.

“I learned to cook and bake when I went into hermit mode. Before that I was pretty much always touring and we always had food delivered or ate out. But I don’t really go out now and nobody delivers here so I had to learn. Turns out I really enjoy it.”

“What else do you do for fun?”, Katya asks and it doesn’t feel like an interview question, just like someone trying to get to know her.

“When I’m not making music I read, I watch TV, I go running with Dolly. I do whatever I feel like on any given day.” Katya gives a non-committal hum and Trixie asks: “What?”

“That sounds pretty lonely," Katya says evenly. Trixie takes her time answering, looking out into the woods for a moment.

“I guess. But I’ve always been surrounded by so many people. It’s nice spending time getting to know myself and being my own company.” She takes another sip of her coffee. “Hard to get laid though," she adds dryly. Katya sputters next to her and when Trixie looks over her entire body is shaking while she laughs, trying not to choke on her coffee.

“Yeah, I don't imagine there's too many people on Tinder around here," Katya jokes. Trixie excitedly slaps her arm.

“I went on a Tinder date!”

“You're kidding.”

“I'm not! Well, it was really just a hook-up, not a date and it went absolutely terrible.”

“Oh, Mama, tell me everything.” Katya lights another cigarette and then pulls one leg onto the bench so she can sit facing Trixie. If she shifted the smallest bit her thigh would be touching Katya’s knee. She focuses on her eyes instead, that are so bright compared to the dark makeup smudged around them.

“Okay, so it started out great, she had no idea who I was and she was absolutely beautiful. I get to her place, we have a glass of wine, we start making out, it's fantastic. Later, while I'm in the middle of fingering her she starts crying. So I’m lying there, two fingers in, like 'Oh my god, what's happening? Did I do something wrong? Should I stop?’ and she goes 'No, I’m fine, keep going’,” Trixie imitates her high-pitched cry-talking, “but I refuse to until she tells me what's going on.”

Katya stares at her open-mouthed, then suddenly seems to remember she's holding a cigarette and takes a drag.

“So she tells me her mom died recently but it has nothing to do with me and I keep going because what else am I gonna do? She was still crying when she came and then she offered to eat me out but I told her no thanks because I’ve never had a girl cry into my vagina and I would like to keep it that way.” Katya's face displays an interesting mix of horror and delight.

“That's… oh my god, that's-”

“Oh, I’m not done," Trixie interrupts her, holding up one hand. “She was still crying so I asked her if she wanted to talk about it because I’m a good person and I ended up making her tea and listening to her talk about her dead mom for three hours. And then I drove home.” Katya shakes her head very slowly, as if deep in thought.

“And you didn't even get to come.”

“Yeah. So anyway, I never tried that again.” They look at each other silently for a moment, nodding solemnly, before they both completely lose it, Trixie laughing so hard she feels tears building. “Oh god, I’ve never told anybody about that.” She carefully wipes at her eyes, knowing she should be mortified that she told the story now but Katya is sitting so close to her, with bright eyes and a big grin and Trixie feels no regret. Katya finishes her cigarette and then suddenly jumps up.

“You must be freezing, come on, let's get back inside.” She offers Trixie a hand and Trixie smiles as she takes it. Katya pulls her up with surprising force, then lets go of her abruptly and starts piling their mugs and plates back onto the tray. She carries it inside and Trixie follows her. It feels weird when they sit back down on the couch but Trixie is glad the armchair is still half-way across the room so she gets to sit closer to Katya.

“Right, let's finish this interview then!” Katya says with an enthusiasm Trixie has a feeling isn't real and then presses ‘record’ on her phone again.

Trixie doesn't want to finish the interview. She doesn't want to answer questions about her work. What she wants is to tell Katya inappropriate stories from her time on the road and make her laugh that big stupid honking laugh that shakes her whole body.

“So even though you’ve retired from your career as a performer, you’re still working as a songwriter. You’ve written songs for several artists, all of them women, was that a conscious decision?”

“Absolutely. I’ve spent too much time on men in my life.” They grin at each other, fully aware the simple answer is ‘because I’m a lesbian, Linda’. “If I can help amplify the voices of women in country music, which is not always a welcoming place for us, then I will do that happily. And they’re good songs, they shouldn’t go to waste just because I’m not gonna record them, d’you know what I mean?”

Katya leans in a little, her chin resting on her hand, elbow propped up on her knee.

“Do you ever write something and think ‘Oh, that’s really good, I’m keeping that for myself’?”

Trixie laughs. Katya manages to look right through her, it seems. “I do.”

It winds down pretty quickly after that. They talk a bit more about what it’s like being a woman in country music and Katya asks her about any recent or upcoming projects. Trixie barely holds herself back before she blurts it all out like she wants to, contracts be damned. When Katya thanks her for the interview Trixie finds herself saying: “My pleasure.” and she absolutely means it. Katya packs up her stuff and then spends a good five minutes saying goodbye to Dolly. At the door she thanks Trixie again.

“I had a really great time today. Now I only have to wrangle this into a good read.”

“You better!” Trixie looks around for something to write on and pulls a receipt out of her purse, which is sitting on a side table. She scribbles her phone number on it. “ And once you’re done you’ll have to let me know so I can approve it.”

Katya takes the receipt with a brilliant smile, both of them holding on to the piece of paper for a moment, their fingers touching. Then Katya tugs it into the pocket of her jacket, turns and walks to her car, once again struggling with her heels on the gravel. As she makes it to her car she turns around and sees Trixie still leaning in the open door.

“Of course you’re fucking watching," she calls, not looking all that annoyed. Trixie grins and gives her a cheery wave.

She gets a text message about one and a half hours later, which she knows it takes to drive to San Francisco. Katya must have texted her the minute she got home.

**Katya**

_I promise crying hook-up girl will stay our secret_

Trixie gets a fluttery sensation in her stomach at the thought of her and Katya sharing a secret.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Wow, you were serious about dinner.”
> 
> “Of course I was,” Trixie says with a flat voice. “What did you think I meant?”
> 
> “Nothing, I just thought that… that maybe you were just being nice.” Katya stuffs her hands into her pockets and shrugs awkwardly. 
> 
> Trixie can’t help but laugh. “Katya, I haven’t been nice in years, I can promise you that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the wonderful reception the first chapter got, I wasn't expecting that at all and it was quite overwhelming in the best way! Thanks to [Charlotte](https://mizfaaanjie.tumblr.com/) for beta reading and to [Naty](https://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) for being almost as excited about this as I am.

The fluttery feeling in her stomach returns every time she looks at the message in the next couple of days and Trixie can’t really find it in herself to reign it in. She’s 35 years old and she has a crush. It may be embarrassing but she’s not met a person as interesting as Katya in years. Possibly ever, her brain helpfully provides.

It takes Katya six days to text her again.

**Katya**

_Hey Trixie, I can send the finished interview over now if you like._

That sounds very professional.

**Trixie**

_Hi Katya, I was hoping you could bring it over so we can look it over together._

In the last second before hitting ‘send’ she adds _xx_ and then immediately doubts herself. Maybe she had misread the situation and Katya wasn’t into her at all and had just tried to get on a notoriously difficult celebrity’s good side. The reply comes almost immediately.

**Katya**

_I’m pretty busy right now, I wouldn’t want to keep you waiting. I could just e-mail it to you and get out of your hair._

Trixie decidedly doesn’t want Katya to get out of her hair, but she doesn’t want to pressure her either. God, it’s been so long since she’s tried to flirt with anybody, the last thing she wants to do is be a creep.

**Trixie**

_If that is best for you then we can do that but I can wait. I’d love to have you over for dinner to thank you for the great interview._

This time it takes Katya almost an hour to reply.

**Katya**

_You don’t know it’s a great interview._

**Trixie**

_Yes I do_

**Katya**

_I can do Friday._

That’s still three days away but Trixie will take it.

**Trixie**

_Great! I look forward to it!_

That’s probably too many exclamation points. Katya probably thinks she’s stupid. This is a disaster.

**Katya**

_I’ll text you when I know when I’ll be able to get off work :-)_

She actually typed a smiley with a nose. It’s so stupid and endearing Trixie needs to sit down.

________

  
It’s Friday, 7 pm, Trixie is wearing the pink dress she decided was too much for the interview and photoshoot, there’s a smoked tofu and spinach lasagna in the oven and Katya is supposed to get here any minute. Trixie has considered opening the bottle of Chardonnay in her fridge and having a glass for her nerves but she would like to look like she’s cool and collected.

Her phone buzzes on the counter and she practically lunges for it.

**Katya**

_Stuck in traffic, gonna be late, sorry_

Trixie feels herself deflate. It’s Friday night, of course there’s traffic, she should be glad Katya is driving out all the way to the middle of nowhere to have dinner with a moody former country music star. She gets her favourite guitar and sits down with it on the sofa. The pink varnish matches her dress perfectly, as if she had planned it. She plucks at the strings aimlessly, then plays the opening riffs of different songs, one right after the other. It sounds choppy and disjointed, just like she feels.

Trixie knows she’s being stupid. She’s going to have dinner with a cool, funny and beautiful woman. She’s just freaking out because her human interaction in the last years has been limited to Kim, snarky phone conversations with Michelle and her weekly trip to the grocery store. The last time she got romantically involved with someone it got her a broken heart, a hit album, a public coming out and the end of her career. Of course this is intimidating. As always, Dolly seems to sense her discomfort and tries to rectify it by putting her massive head on Trixie’s leg. It helps.

Katya arrives about half an hour later and while she’s driving up to the house Trixie rushes to the bathroom to check her hair and makeup. By the time Katya gets there Trixie is already standing in the open door, waiting for her. She must have dressed up for Trixie last time because today she is wearing jeans, a leather jacket and heavy black boots. Without the heels she’s quite a bit shorter than Trixie and for some reason that puts a smile on her face.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Katya grins at her and for a second they stand there, looking at each other before Trixie remembers to invite her in.

“Sorry I’m late,” Katya says as she takes off her jacket. Underneath she’s wearing a flowy black blouse with a large bow at the neckline and no sleeves. Trixie makes an effort to not stare at her toned arms for too long and hopes that outfit choice was for her.

“It’s no problem. I’m sorry I made you drive all the way out here. You didn’t have to come.” Katya’s jaw clenches at her words and Trixie quickly explains: “I mean, you didn’t have to do that because I know it’s a long drive and you’ve had a busy week and-” She stops herself and takes a deep breath. “I’m very happy to see you.”

Katya nods and seems to relax.

“I’m happy to see you, too.” Her smile is back, if not in full force, and Trixie leads her to the living area, where she takes in the set dining table. “Wow, you were serious about dinner.”

“Of course I was,” Trixie says with a flat voice. “What did you think I meant?”

“Nothing, I just thought that… that maybe you were just being nice.” Katya stuffs her hands into her pockets and shrugs awkwardly.

Trixie can’t help but laugh. “Katya, I haven’t been nice in years, I can promise you that.” Katya chuckles at that but still looks slightly unconvinced. “What?”

“It’s just you didn’t text me back at first and I thought I might have gotten the wrong impression and I didn’t want to be weird or creepy-”

“Oh god, no, you weren’t,” Trixie interrupts her. Texting back hadn’t even occurred to her. “No, I’m just incapable of acting like a normal person.” This is not at all playing out like Trixie had imagined it.

“Oh, good, so it's not just me.” They stare at each other and Trixie can’t help but giggle, Katya quickly joins her.

“Right. Dinner,” Trixie reminds herself. She tells Katya to sit down and makes a beeline for the fridge and the chardonnay. “Would you like a drink?” she calls across the room, already grabbing two wine glasses from the cabinet.

“Water is fine for me, but you go ahead,” Katya replies.

Trixie hadn’t even considered she might not want to drink. After all she has to drive back. Or maybe she just doesn’t drink at all, lots of people don’t. How had she not even thought of that? Her short nails tap out a fast but uneven rhythm on the counter as she pours herself a very large glass of wine. She decides to put the bottle back in the fridge to hopefully minimize the chances of making a complete fool of herself.

“Tap water okay?” Katya gives an affirmative hum and Trixie fills a glass for her at the sink. While she stands there something much worse than the drinks situation occurs to her. “Oh my god, I didn’t even ask you about any food allergies or if you’re vegan or if there’s stuff you don’t like.” She turns around to Katya and is hit by the image before her - Katya sitting at her dinner table one leg casually crossed over the other, the fingers of her one hand playing with the thick silver bracelet on her other wrist, looking up at Trixie with bright eyes and a slight smile. There’s warmth blooming in the pit of her stomach and she never again wants to see her living room without Katya in it.

“I don’t have any food allergies that I know of, I’m not vegan and I’m sure it’s great, whatever you made,” Katya says calmly.

“It’s a tofu and spinach lasagna.” Trixie sees Katya’s eyes shift for a second. She knew it. “You don’t like it.”

“I… it’s fine, I don’t mind it.”

Trixie turns away from her and puts the water glass down on the counter hard enough that some of it spills over her fingers. This is a disaster. She has been living in a world that was purely hers for five years. During that time she had apparently forgotten how to incorporate other people into her life, including the most basic communication. She had been nothing but self-absorbed and yet Katya was being so nice to her. Trixie jumps slightly when there’s a gentle touch at her shoulder. It’s Katya’s hand that slides down her arm and settles lightly near her elbow. She is leaning against the counter, making her even shorter next to Trixie.

“Trixie, I’m serious, it’s not my favourite but I don’t mind it,” she quietly reassures her. Her voice seems to be a little lower than usual and Trixie is convinced she can feel it resonate in her body. “I didn’t come here for the food, you know that, right?” The warmth of her eyes seems to travel through her and almost burn Trixie where Katya’s fingertips lie on her skin. Trixie wants to kiss her so badly. Instead she puts her hand over Katya’s on her arm and squeezes it. She makes a quick decision.

“Alright,” Her voice sounds too loud in her own ears. “How do you feel about pancakes?”

Whatever Katya had been expecting, it apparently wasn’t this. “What?”

“Pancakes. They take about 20 minutes to make so unless you’re about to starve, we could make some.” Trixie greatly enjoys calling them a ‘we’. “So, pancakes - for or against?”

“Uhhh… for?” Katya replies tentatively and Trixie grins.

“Grab eggs and milk from the fridge, will ya?”

Enthusiastically Katya springs into action and Trixie immediately misses her touch. She fetches a large mixing bowl, a measuring cup and the dry ingredients. Then she picks a mellow folky playlist on her phone, connects it to the bluetooth speaker and sets about measuring out the flour. Katya hops onto the counter, grabs her water glass that Trixie had so far failed to get to her and takes a sip. Her legs are swinging back and forth a little and she looks so comfortable it makes Trixie smile.

Katya insists on cracking the eggs into the bowl so she can feel like she contributed, she explains to Trixie. She manages to not drop any shell into it and looks very pleased with herself. When Trixie starts adding water and milk Katya looks sceptical.

“Is it supposed to be that liquid?”

“Oh yeah, they’re gonna be more French than American,” Trixie explains, thoroughly whisking the mixture.

“Ooooh, des crêpes,” Katya murmurs in a voice that is a little too sensual to be comfortable for Trixie.

“Oh, she educated!” she replies too cheery to mask her discomfort.

Katya turns away from her only to swivel her head around, her hair flipping with the motion, and goes ”Oui.” Trixie is sure the sound that leaves her mouth doesn’t technically count as a laugh but a screech. It apparently rouses Dolly from her nap and she trots into the kitchen. She’s tall enough that Katya can easily pet her while sitting on the counter, which Trixie is glad about. She doesn’t want Katya to turn her attention to anybody else than her, even her own dog. She knows it’s pathetic. She doesn’t care.

While the first pancake is baking Trixie turns to Katya. “So, you had a busy week or were you just playing hard to get?” she asks with a grin.

“Oh, I definitely was actually hard to get. Our editor-in-chief is not yet convinced you’ll actually let us publish the interview, no matter how many times I’ve told her you will. So she's been making us all work twice as hard for the next edition, just in case we need to replace every single article with something else, apparently. On the plus side we're pretty much good to go for the edition after that, with all the material we have prepared.”

Trixie gently shakes the pan and then, feeling Katya's eyes on her, flips the pancake in the air. “So I should probably really read it and give my OK, so you can all have some peace of mind.” Katya doesn’t reply and when Trixie looks at her her gaze is so intense Trixie almost looks away again.

“Flipping pancakes shouldn’t be sexy, but apparently making it sexy is one of your many talents.”

Trixie giggles and she can feel heat spreading in her cheeks. “There’s loads of things I’m terrible at, let me tell ya.”

“Like what?”

“Oh no, you know enough of my secrets already. If you want more you’re gonna have to work for it.”

A grin spreads on Katya’s face, not the joyful, sunny one she’s seen before, but one that looks like she’s going to eat Trixie alive. “Alright, Miss Mattel, I like a challenge.”

The first pancake is done and before it starts having even remotely cooled down Katya tears a bit off with her fingers and stuffs it into her mouth. She immediately begins to huff around the piece of pancake, trying to get some cool air in.

“Quality control,” she explains after she’s swallowed it and Trixie raises her eyebrows but can’t help smile as she pours the batter for the next one in the pan. Then she tears a piece off herself and pops it into her mouth. She can feel Katya’s eyes on her as she licks the grease off her fingers.

The first pancake gets picked apart by both of them while Trixie makes the others. When they’re all done Trixie puts the plate with them on the tray, together with stuff to put on them and carries it straight to the sofa, ignoring the dining table. Katya follows her, carrying Trixie’s wine glass and her own water.

They eat pancakes with their fingers, sitting sideways on her sofa turned towards each other. It’s not the dinner Trixie had imagined but it’s comfortable, as if they have done this a thousand times before. When they met for the first time Katya had been so nervous around her and now she is comfortable enough that she’s putting nutella, applesauce and icing sugar on a pancake before rolling it up and eating it as gracefully as could be expected. Trixie quickly holds a plate up to her chest to save both Katya’s blouse and her own sofa from the mixture that’s spilling over Katya’s fingers. They’re both laughing again by the time she has managed to get it all in her mouth. Trixie tries to remember when she last spent so much time laughing with another person and comes up empty.

Once they’re finished eating and have wiped their greasy fingers on tissues, Trixie asks Katya about her life. So far they had only talked about Trixie and a little about Katya’s job. She knows next to nothing about her and it’s time to change that.

She learns that Katya is 29, from Boston, that growing up she always wanted to be an artist but could never figure out what kind of artist and somehow ended up in San Francisco with a social studies degree, teaching yoga. She had met Ginger, the magazine’s editor-in-chief, who asked her to write an article and she had transitioned to being a part-time journalist, now full-time journalist. She also did most of the photography for the magazine.

All these things shouldn’t make sense together but they fit Katya. Trixie can imagine her as a teenager in an experimental theatre group and later in college arguing with her old, white, male professors. The yoga explains her toned, strong body. It also puts images into Trixie’s mind she needs to shake off right away if she wants to be able to continue the conversation.

After a while Katya goes outside to smoke and Trixie quickly puts the dishes away and the lasagna in the freezer. The clock on the oven tells her it’s almost 11 pm and she knows Katya is probably going to leave soon, considering she has quite a long drive home.

When Katya comes back inside she keeps her jacket on. “I should probably head-”

“Stay,” Trixie cuts her off. “I have a guest room, the bed doesn’t have sheets on yet but I can fix that or we could share my bed but you totally don’t have to if-”

This time Trixie doesn’t get to finish her sentence because Katya steps up to her, one of her hands finding the spot on her elbow she was holding earlier. Trixie doesn’t even have time to think about how right it feels because Katya’s mouth finds hers. It’s not a deep or a long kiss but her lips are so soft that Trixie can’t even find it in herself to be bothered by the taste of cigarettes.

Katya pulls back just a tiny bit. “Okay, I’ll stay.”

________

  
When Trixie comes out of the bathroom Katya is sitting on her bed, legs under her covers, wearing one of her shirts, casually checking her phone and it makes her chest ache. It’s worse than when she looked into the mirror earlier and found red lipstick mixed in with her pink one. Now her face is bare and she’s wearing a baby-blue oversized t-shirt that doesn’t even come down to her mid-thighs. Trixie isn’t sure what makes her feel more naked.

Katya looks up at her with a soft smile. “Are you gonna get in or are you planning on sleeping standing up?” Trixie quickly gets into bed, they both settle in and she turns off the light. She can hear her heartbeat in her ears and it’s so loud she’s almost convinced Katya can hear it too. Under the covers Katya touches her pinky and she jumps a little.

“Have I earned it yet?”

Trixie’s head whips around and she is searching for Katya’s eyes in the darkness, barely making them out. She can’t mean what Trixie thinks she means. “What?”

“Tell me a secret,” Katya whispers and her pinky hooks around Trixie’s.

She remembers the conversation they had earlier in the kitchen, about Katya already knowing too many of her secrets. “Oh.” She thinks for a second. “I’ve never shared this bed with anybody besides Dolly before.”

Katya shuffles around a little and Trixie thinks she might be shifting closer to her. Then Katya laces their fingers together and squeezes.

“I’m glad it’s me.”

“Me too.” Trixie squeezes back. “Your turn.”

Katya hums and is quiet for a while. When Trixie thinks she’s not going to get an answer Katya whispers “I still want to be an artist and I don’t mean taking the occasional photo for the magazine.”

“You can be.”

“You think so?”

“Sure. I turned my whole life around when I was 30, there’s no reason you can’t if that’s what you want.”

“Hm. That’s a nice thought.” The end of the sentence drowns in a yawn that Trixie catches.

“Good night,” she murmurs into the darkness.

Katya brings their joined hands up and kisses the knuckle on each of her fingers. “Good night, Trixie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention last chapter that the queer women's magazine Curve based in San Francisco that Katya works for actually exists. I stumbled upon it while doing research and instead of coming up with a new name I just stole this one.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She reads the whole interview three times with warmth blooming in her stomach. It’s the best piece of writing about herself that Trixie has ever seen. She knows she is biased but that it’s still true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends! Thank you so much, everyone who has left comments, kudos and messages on tumblr, it means a lot to me and motivates me to keep writing this. And a big thank you to [Charlotte](https://mizfaaanjie.tumblr.com/) for beta reading and [Naty](https://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) for being my writing buddy.
> 
> I made a playlist for this fic that you can find [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/badwolfonbakerstreet/playlist/3Bn4mftnPrLA5uMwtDz6fe?si=LyLEcMF7TM-Nllk67W30Kw). The songs are not necessarily connected to the plot so don't read too much into them, it's more of a general vibe.
> 
> Anyway, have some lesbians, I hope you like them as much as I do!

Trixie wakes up to the rustling of her covers but keeps her eyes closed. She feels like it’s still early and she’s warm and comfortable and in no mind to move anytime soon. She knows Katya is lying next to her and has to try hard not to smile. But Katya, it seems, will not be ignored because Trixie can feel her eyes on her.

“Stop that.” Trixie’s voice is deep with sleep and her eyes are still firmly closed.

“Stop what?” She can hear the grin in Katya’s voice.

“Staring at me while I sleep, it’s creepy.”

“You’re not sleeping.”

“Yes, I am. See? Got my eyes closed and everything.”

Katya snorts and Trixie can’t keep the smile off her face any longer. She finally opens her eyes and is surprised by how close Katya’s face is to hers, with them lying on their sides, facing each other. There’s black smudges around her eyes where she didn’t manage to get all of her mascara off last night, some foundation in her hairline that’s actually a pretty bad match for her skin tone and there’s pillow creases pressed into the skin of her cheek. Trixie thinks she looks beautiful. Before her nerves have time to fully wake up she closes the small distance between them and gently presses her lips against Katya’s. They kiss softly and slowly and Trixie pulls back fairly quickly, aware of morning breath.

“Did you sleep well?”

Katya hums affirmatively and then stretches like a cat, her spine arching off the mattress and lifting the covers with her. The shirt Trixie gave her has ridden up and Trixie catches a glimpse of her simple black panties and her stomach. She is pretty sure Katya has actual abs. It’s not something she has ever considered a big turn-on but now she longs to touch them with her hands and lips.

A scratching noise at the bedroom door pulls Trixie out of her fantasy and makes Katya jump a little. Trixie reluctantly gets out of bed and pads across the cold wood floor. She opens the door to Dolly staring at her expectantly.

“Yeah, alright, alright.” Trixie walks to the living room and opens the veranda door for her. Dolly zooms past her, disappearing into the woods. The property is fenced in and Trixie is unconcerned about letting her dog do her own thing for a while. Now she’s up Trixie doesn’t know what to do with herself. Would it be weird to go back to bed? Probably. After all Katya is awake and there is no reason to stay in bed unless they were going to move significantly further than the two gentle kisses they’ve exchanged and she feels that’s not something she should even be thinking about right now.

However, when she steps back into the bedroom she is faced with Katya standing on the rug in front of the bed, folded over, looking at Trixie upside down from between her naked, fuzzy legs, her ass barely covered by her panties, and Trixie can feel herself blushing. Katya grins but quickly unfolds herself and asks her for a towel.

While Katya is in the shower, Trixie pulls a sweatshirt over her sleep shirt and goes to make coffee, hers in the pink-striped mug and Katya’s in the one painted with daisies - black, with no sugar. She drinks hers sitting on the sofa scrolling through the news on her phone and soon Katya joins her, dressed in last night’s clothes but barefoot and with wet hair.

When Trixie steps into the shower a little later she is shaken by the normalcy of it all. She has never shared her morning routine with anyone and she would have expected integrating another person into it would have not only been unpleasant but also difficult for her. But Katya’s presence hasn’t made her uncomfortable for even one second. She’s not sure if that means she’s less stuck in her ways than she thought or that Katya is simply an extraordinary person.

________

“Oh, wow.”

“Do you like them?”

Trixie looks from her laptop screen to Katya, who’s sitting next her on the sofa and smoothing out the fringe on one of the throw pillows. “They’re amazing,” she reassures her and smiles.

Trixie has a hard time believing that Katya snapped these photos in her living room with minimal equipment in a matter of minutes. Katya has chosen three pictures for the article: one where she is smiling her usual PR smile, one with Dolly laying her head on the armrests of the chair with Trixie scratching her behind one ear and smiling down at her and finally one where Trixie isn’t smiling but looking up, her face relaxed, her eyes big and dark and her mouth slightly open. At first she thinks she was looking at the camera but then she realizes she was looking at the person behind it. That one’s her favourite.

She does look good in all of them. The evening light paints her bare shoulders golden and makes her blonde hair glow. But it’s also her. She looks different than she has ever seen herself. It’s not just her makeup that’s softer, it’s her whole face. She looks calm and almost regal. She looks like the women she admired when she was a teenager.

“I look beautiful.”

Trixie only looks up when she hears Katya’s soft voice.

“You do.” She isn’t looking at the laptop, her bright eyes are fixed on Trixie’s face. Trixie smiles and carefully sets the computer on the couch table. Before she can completely turn towards her Katya’s hand is cupping her cheek and then sliding back to the nape of her neck, pulling her in and Trixie lets her.

When their lips meet this time it’s still gentle but there is an urgency to it, a pressure that seems to sit in her core and kissing Katya makes it ease up and coil tighter at the same time. Trixie feels like this is what she’s been waiting for these past five years. Her hands have settled on Katya’s waist, trying to pull her even closer but there is no more distance to cross. She is not aware of making the conscious decision to do so, but she’s climbing on Katya’s lap without ever stopping to kiss her. Katya groans as Trixie’s weight settles on her and Trixie feels her hands digging into the soft flesh of her hips.

She can smell her own expensive shampoo on Katya’s curls and she buries her face in them while Katya kisses along her jawline. Trixie is completely surrounded by Katya and she feels floaty and boneless like she’s going to melt right into her. She’d be fine with that.

They sit like this for a long time even after they’ve stopped kissing, Trixie’s arms around Katya’s neck, wrapping blonde curls around her fingers. Katya’s forehead is resting against her cheek, her eyes are closed and she’s breathing deeply and evenly. She looks like all stress has left her body and Trixie imagines that’s what Katya looks like when she’s asleep, since she missed her chance this morning to see it. There will be more opportunities, she tells herself.

________

Once Katya has left a couple of hours later Trixie pulls the article up on her laptop from the USB drive that Katya left with her. She promised she’d have read it by the time Katya gets home. It had, after all, been the reason Katya came over in the first place.

True to her word Katya had left out Crying Hook-Up Girl. What she does mention is Trixie’s Scandinavian inspired furniture, their mismatched coffee mugs, the homemade cinnamon rolls and Dolly. She reads through the answers she has given and she knows they are her words but somehow Katya has framed her as a warm, open and funny woman, who knows who she is and seems to be completely at peace with that.

She reads the whole interview three times with warmth blooming in her stomach. It’s the best piece of writing about herself that Trixie has ever seen. She knows she is biased but that it’s still true.

At first she texts Michelle and gives the official Go to pass on to Katya’s editor-in-chief. Then she opens her text conversation with Katya and doesn't know what to say. Somehow she needs to express that not only has Katya taken away all the fears she had about this interview but also that she managed to present Trixie (and their readership) with a new image of her.

**Trixie**

_ You made me sound a lot nicer than I am _

That should do it. It takes Katya a while to reply and Trixie has to remind herself she's probably still driving. When she does reply Trixie still has her phone in hand.

**Katya**

_ I don't think I did. _

_ Do you like it???? _

_ I can still write in that you're a rotted gutted cunt if you want _

Trixie screams at that.

**Trixie**

_ Too late, I already texted my manager and it’s getting published as is :) _

_ I love it _

She adds a blue heart to her last message and hopes it’s not too much.

**Katya**

_ Great!!!!!!! _

Trixie decides the heart was the right thing to send.

________

 

The next morning Trixie wakes to an empty bed and her heart sinks a little bit. She and Katya had spend the entire evening texting back and forth. Originally she had wanted to get some work done and made her way into the little studio in the basement but even if the sound of her text notifications wouldn’t have distracted her every other minute she still wouldn’t have gotten anything done. 

No matter what she’s thinking about, her mind keeps focusing on Katya. Katya, who she barely knows but who makes her feel different than anybody else has ever made her feel. Trixie wants to lean into those feelings, whatever they might be. At the same time she knows that might be a reckless thing to do.

She isn’t naive. The day they met Trixie may not have agreed with Katya when she said her life sounded lonely but she knows it is. She knows she is lonely. This is the life she chose for herself and she wasn’t lying when she told Katya she had needed to get away from the people who had surrounded her for all of her adult life. It had taken Trixie a while to realize, that doesn’t mean there is no space for other people in her life. And by then she had removed herself so far from everybody else that she didn’t know how to do that. She knows that Katya is special, but there is a chance Trixie is using her as a relief for her loneliness. That’s not only unfair, but also unsustainable.

She knows Kim thinks she’s afraid of people, but she isn't. She’s afraid of being Trixie Mattel. She’s afraid of everybody she meets already having a version of her living in their head, that she cannot possibly live up to. She doesn’t  _ want _ to have to live up to that.

It’s no different with Katya, really. Judging by the state she arrived in the day of the interview Katya had been expecting the worst of her. And yet she had cried when Trixie had talked about her reasons to quit performing. They haven’t talked about it, but Katya must have some sort of connection to her as a musician. So what happens when she realizes the actual Trixie is not as kind or as fun or as interesting as the Trixie that exists in her mind?

Trixie has two options: she can either cut ties with Katya and go back to how things were or she can put herself out there and surround herself with more people, to make sure loneliness isn’t the sole reason for her attachment. Option one is unacceptable and option two is terrifying and no guarantee that they will work out either.

Trixie considers asking Kim for her thoughts and quickly decides against it. She knows exactly how the conversation would turn out: with Kim telling her it sounds like she already knows what to do and to stop being such a damn control freak and just fuck Katya. She can do without that. She still wants to talk about Katya though. Trixie figures she doesn’t need to tell Kim everything she’s thinking.

**Trixie**

_ Hey, did you know your friend bailed on me after you begged me for that interview? _

As usual it takes Kim almost no time to text back.

**Kim**

_ what?? that doesn’t sound like Violet  _

_ also I never beg bitch _

**Trixie**

_ She was sick and send her co-worker _

_ Katya _

_ Do you know her? _

Trixie can see that Kim is typing, then she stops but no message is send. She starts typing again.

**Kim**

_ yeah she’s interesting  _

_ what did you think of her? _

Trixie snorts. She is sure Kim wrote something other than ‘interesting’ at first and then deleted it.

**Trixie**

_ I like her a lot  _

_ She came by for dinner the other night actually _

**Kim**

_ BITCH _

_ you’re welcome _

**Trixie**

_ What for? You didn’t do anything _

_ If anybody I should thank Violet for eating something rotten or whatever _

**Kim**

_ so are you gonna see her again? _

**Trixie**

_ Definitely _

_ We don’t have anything planned yet because she’s super busy atm but we’ve been texting a lot _

**Kim**

_ so you actually wanna date her? does that mean you’re gonna leave your house? _

**Trixie**

_ Wow _

_ I do leave my house bitch _

**Kim**

_ alright you don’t have to be so touchy about it _

_ I’m happy for you _

Kim even sends her a bunch of different heart emojis, which is a lot more emotion than she usually offers. She’s a good friend, Trixie knows that. She’s blunt and she never puts up with any of Trixie’s bullshit, but she has never pressured her into doing something she wasn’t comfortable with. Kim is also right. If they’re actually going to date, Trixie can’t just sit around in her tower like Rapunzel, waiting for Katya to drive out whenever she has the time. And that is assuming that Katya wants to spend her time with Trixie.

They like each other, that much is obvious, but Trixie has no idea what Katya wants out of this. The thought that she just might want to fuck a celebrity creeps up on her and she dismisses it immediately. She may not know Katya very well yet but Trixie is sure that she’s not that kind of person. But that doesn’t mean that Katya is looking for a committed relationship. Is Trixie even looking for a committed relationship? A knot forms in her stomach at the thought of maybe seeing Katya a few times, maybe sleeping with her and that being all there is to it, to them. No, if Trixie is doing this she’s all in.

________

On Monday Trixie goes to bed with a sense of accomplishment she hasn’t felt in a while. She has finally made some progress on her latest project that she was originally so excited to get but once it was time to actually write some music nothing fitting seemed to come to her. She has never written music for a movie before, nevermind one for children, but Disney movies had gotten her through some rough times and knowing she would get to contribute to one one day would have made 6-year-old Trixie cry with joy. 

She had gone on a run with Dolly and once her head was clear, found herself humming little bits of melody while she took a shower. She had gone straight from the bathroom to the studio and in half an hour had written an entire song, wearing one towel wrapped around her body and another on her head. Trixie knows it’s not perfect and she’ll probably rewrite the second verse and the bridge but it’s progress and she’s proud of herself. 

Now lying in bed she’s still too keyed up to sleep and her hands seem to grab and unlock her phone by themselves. It’s only half past 10, Katya is probably still up.

**Trixie**

_ Hey! You there?  _

**Katya**

_ Yeah, hi _

**Trixie**

_ How’s your day been? _

Katya has read her message but isn’t replying. Immediately Trixie rereads their exchange looking for the bit where she went wrong, where she might have been too much or too pushy or too rude but comes up empty. Then her phone rings, Katya’s name on the display. Immediately Trixie can feel her heart speeding up. She takes a deep breath and answers.

“Hey, you.”

“Hi,” is all Katya offers, her voice low and quiet, as if she’s whispering directly into Trixie’s ear. She sounds tired.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, it’s just been a long day.” She sighs. “Hearing your voice helps.” 

Trixie presses her entire face into the pillow and bites her lip. No. This is about making Katya feel better, she can feel smug later.

“Do you want to talk about it or do you want me to tell you about my day?”

Katya hums. “Tell me about your day, please.”

So Trixie does. She starts with the documentary about the Brontë Sisters she watched while having her morning coffee and Katya hums a few times in between. Trixie is sure she’s not telling her anything she doesn’t already know, but Katya doesn’t seem to mind so she keeps going. She talks about her run with Dolly and that she’s in terrible shape and should go much more often and really has no excuse not to do it, other than her own laziness, but that she did write some music and that she’s very happy with it. She even hums a little of the melody for Katya. It’s the first time Katya talks again in what feels like hours but was probably 10 minutes.

“So I’m the first person to ever hear that?”

“M-hm.”

“Seems like I keep getting more and more secrets out of you.”

“You could make it even.” She remembers Katya lying next to her in the dark, whispering  _ ‘Tell me a secret’ _ . If she closes her eyes now she can almost convince herself she’s here with her again.

“Hmm, I guess I could.” Trixie can hear the smile in her voice and involuntarily smiles too. “Oh, I got a good one,” Katya continues. “In college I would lie in bed while my roommate was at soccer practice and touch myself to the sound of your voice.”

It takes Trixie a moment to fully take in what she just heard. Then she screeches and Katya wheezes at the other end of the line.

“Oh my god, Katya!”

“It’s true. It’s  _ true _ !”

Trixie laughs again, her legs kicking underneath the covers.

“I didn’t take you for a country girl,” she says, her voice lowered a little.

“If nothing else I was always a  _ big _ fan of those short dresses you used to wear on stage.”

“Well, I’ve still got a lot of them. I guess I can help you bring some fantasies to life.”

Katya groans and the sound makes Trixie flex her toes. “You’re a cruel woman, saying things like that when you’re so far away.” Then she yawns.

“Yeah, sounds like I’m really getting you going.”

Katya snorts. “I said I’ve had a long day, you’re the one who started with fantasies.”

“Um, no, you started talking about being a horny student.”

“Oh.” Katya yawns again. “I guess.” Then all Trixie hears is her slow breathing.

“Okay, it’s a good thing I’m not there because I don’t think my ego could survive you falling asleep during sex. I’m gonna let you get some sleep.”

“Hey, Trixie?”

“Yeah?”

“I’d still like you to be here, even if we don’t have sex.”

“Go to sleep, you idiot.” Trixie is sure Katya knows she’s grinning like a damn fool.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie lets go of Katya’s hand so she can cup her jaw with both hands and pull her in for a soft kiss. “You didn’t ruin anything. How about you take that shower now and try to relax a little? We have time. The big adult conversations can wait.”
> 
> Katya looks at her slightly slack-jawed. “Jesus Christ, I’ve never wanted to eat somebody out this much before,” she says and Trixie screeches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are again with lesbians doing lesbian things! Thanks for the comments, kudos and messages, it makes me so happy that there are people enjoying this and looking forward to the updates. :') And thank you [Charlotte](https://mizfaaanjie.tumblr.com/) for beta reading and [Naty](https://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) for your constant support!
> 
> This chapter contains mentions of drug use, but nothing explicit.

Trixie shuts off the engine of her SUV and reaches to the backseat to pet Dolly. As soon as they had gotten in the car the dog had been nervous. Understandable, since Trixie usually only takes her to the vet in the car. After driving for almost an hour Dolly had been reassured that they were going somewhere else and she had sprawled out on the bench in the back. Now it’s Trixie who needs some reassurance. She’s here now, there’s no turning back. She grabs her overnight bag and a plastic bag with some of Dolly’s stuff and gets out of the car.

She didn’t get a parking spot anywhere near Katya’s apartment and has to walk for a good 5 minutes with all her stuff and the giant dog in tow. By the time she makes it to the right building she is embarrassingly out of breath and waits a few seconds before pressing the doorbell next to the small handwritten label, that barely fits ‘Zamolodchikova’. She immediately gets buzzed in and makes her way up the narrow staircase to the second floor, where she sees an apartment door open and then Katya is right next to her, taking one of her bags. Once they make it inside Dolly makes sure she gets an enthusiastic welcome, that Katya looks very happy to give her.

“Wow, okay, let me know if you two need some alone time,” Trixie says, shrugging out of her jean jacket, looking around for a place to hang it up and laying it over the radiator when she can’t find anything else. Katya has let go off the dog and is now stepping into Trixie’s personal space.

“That was my plan all along, get you to bring Dolly here.” She puts her hands on Trixie's hips and Trixie can tell she's struggling to keep a straight face.

“Understandable, she is great company.” Trixie leans forward a little.

“She is.” Katya nods solemnly until they both start laughing and finally she leans in and kisses Trixie. “Hello.”

“Hi.”

Katya is wearing a long peasant skirt with a floral print. Tucked in is a well worn t-shirt of a metal band Trixie has never heard of with the sleeves cut off. Some of her hair is gathered in a messy bun on the top of her head. She is also wearing multi-coloured knitted socks and her makeup is smudged beyond help. The whole look is stupid and Trixie tells her so. Katya beams at her.

“I know, right?” She lets go of Trixie and does a twirl, her skirt spinning around her, and Trixie laughs. A crashing noise makes them look at Dolly, who has gone exploring in the tiny cluttered apartment and managed to sweep a stack of books off the couch table. Now she’s standing in the small space in the middle of the room unmoving and looking at Trixie with big eyes. Usually she is well aware of her own size but there is just no place for her to go here.

“I’m sorry.” Trixie goes to pick up the books. “Are you sure it’s really fine I brought her here?”

Katya kneels next to her, reaching for a book herself. “Of course! We’ll make some space for her, it’ll be fine.” She takes the stack from Trixie and drops it back onto the coffee table where there’s barely enough space. Katya gets to work immediately and pushes the sofa further towards the wall. There is enough room on the floor for Dolly’s favourite blanket that Trixie packed and as soon as she spreads it out the dog happily lays down.

Trixie makes herself comfortable on the couch while Katya orders Indian food over the phone. She is leaning against the small kitchen table, studying the menu that’s stuck on the fridge with magnets, and her voice sounds as tired as it had the last couple of evenings when they had talked on the phone, both in their own beds.

“Hey, how about I come by your place?” Trixie had offered in what she hoped was a casual tone, her heart pounding in her chest. Katya had been thinking out loud when she could make it out to Trixie’s place the next time and had arrived at a shaky ‘maybe next weekend’. Trixie hadn’t wanted her to stretch herself even thinner than she already was. Katya deserved a quiet night in without the added stress of driving for hours. So she had asked and was met with silence for a moment.

“Trixie, you don’t have to--”

“No, no, I want to!” she had quickly assured Katya but then immediately backtracked: “But if you want some time to yourself that’s totally fine, I don’t mean to impose.”

A surprised little laugh had escaped Katya. “I would absolutely love to have you here.”

They had settled on Saturday night and neither had bothered pretending Trixie wasn’t going to stay the night so Katya had suggested they go to her favourite flea market on Sunday and Trixie had found herself looking forward to it all week.

Katya hangs up and joins Trixie on the sofa with soft eyes and a small smile. “I’m sorry all I’m offering you is takeout on the sofa on a Saturday night.”

“Not to be a boring white woman in her mid-thirties, but that sounds amazing.” The way Katya smiles at that makes Trixie want to kiss her, so she does. Katya melts into the kiss and seems to be leaning her entire weight against Trixie, so she wraps her arm around Katya’s waist to steady her.

“Wow, this week has really taken it out of you, huh?” Trixie murmurs against Katya’s hair and she hums in reply

Her voice sounds so small when she says “Ask me to tell you a secret.” and her body seems to have gone from boneless to completely on edge in a second. Trixie intertwines their fingers the same way Katya had lying in her bed. With their hands aligned like this she can feel Katya’s pulse hard and fast against her own wrist.

“Tell me a secret.” Her voice sounds tense, which is exactly what Trixie didn’t want. To make up for it she starts drawing small circles with her thumb on Katya’s hand.

Katya sits up straight, putting some distance between them, but still holding onto Trixie’s hand. Her eyes are wide and seem to be searching for something in Trixie’s face. Then she loudly exhales through her nose and very evenly says “I am a currently sober drug addict and my boss slash good friend Ginger has spend all week trying to prepare me for the fact that you might not want to have anything to do with me anymore when I tell you.”

Trixie blinks a few times. “Oh,” she says, knowing how utterly inadequate that is. Katya is still looking at her, waiting. “Well, that's very judgemental, she doesn't even know me.” At that Katya smiles a little and squeezes her hand.

“That's what I told her.”

Trixie returns her careful smile. “Thanks for trusting me with this.”

Katya nods. “I wanted to tell you before but last time you were freaking out over dinner and then I didn’t wanna ruin the mood.” She laughs, short and without humour. “So I ruined it now instead, when we could have just kept making out. I liked that.” She rubs her eyes with the hand that isn’t holding Trixie’s. Her fingers come back covered in black mascara smudges. “Son of a bitch, I forgot I still had that on. I wanted to shower before you got here, but I didn’t have time.”

Trixie lets go of Katya’s hand so she can cup her jaw with both hands and pull her in for a soft kiss. “You didn’t ruin anything. How about you take that shower now and try to relax a little? We have time. The big adult conversations can wait.”

Katya looks at her slightly slack-jawed. “Jesus Christ, I’ve never wanted to eat somebody out this much before,” she says and Trixie screeches. Katya grins and leans against Trixie again for a moment before getting up and making her way to the bathroom.

Trixie takes a deep breath when Katya closes the door behind herself. Drugs is something she had not expected. It’s not like there was anything to notice, with Katya being sober. She has always been scared of drugs, Trixie had seen enough musicians lose themselves on tour and it would have been so easy to become one of them. But she has learned addiction isn’t something anybody chooses and that doesn’t say anything about character.

She doesn’t think worse of Katya. Differently, maybe, but not worse. Right now Trixie mostly feels bad for her and that she had been apparently stressing about this all week. That also explains why she’s been so exhausted these past couple of days. Trixie just hopes she did an okay job in reassuring her they were fine.

She can hear the water turn on in the bathroom and wanders over to one of the bookshelves. The boards are dipping slightly in the middle under the weight of all the books Katya has crammed onto them. There’s Emily Dickinson’s poetry right next to an ayurvedic cookbook and a thick volume in what appears to be Russian. Trixie makes a mental note to ask Katya about that later.

At the bottom of the shelf she spots several stacks of CDs. The top ones are covered in dust which makes sense, Trixie streams most of her music too. She sits down on her legs and goes through the albums. Some are predictable choices for a lesbian. Fleetwood Mac and Melissa Etheridge are there, as well as Kate Bush. Trixie doesn’t try to fight the grin that spreads on her face the moment she spots one of her own covers. Now she digs through the CDs, no longer really looking at the albums, just searching for the familiar sight of her own.

They’re all there. All eight of her albums, their plastic cases scratched, looking like they’ve spent a lot of time in a glove compartment. Trixie stacks them all up neatly and puts them back in the shelf. She gets up a lot less graceful than she’d ever admit and is shaking the life back into her legs when the doorbell rings. The water is still going in the bathroom so Trixie answers it. It’s an exceptionally bored looking teenager with their food and Trixie tips him more than he deserves.

By the time Katya emerges from the bathroom in a cloud of citrusy smelling air and back in her ridiculous outfit, Trixie has the takeout boxes set out on the small kitchen table and is picking out mismatched cutlery from a drawer. It was the second one she tried, the first one containing a bunch of old batteries, twine, a set of tarot cards and a small flower pot.

“Ugh, that smells amazing!” Next to her Katya opens a cabinet to grab some plates and they sit down, knees knocking under the table. The food is delicious and for a while they eat in silence until Katya starts twisting her fork around in her hands. She catches Trixie’s gaze and quickly puts it down. Under the table her leg starts bouncing.

“Please just say what you want to say,” Trixie finally says, setting down her fork as well. Katya looks up from her plate and Trixie thinks she’s never going to get used to this, those bright eyes fixed on her, as if she’s the most important thing in the world.

“I know you said later but is now later? Because I really want to talk about this now.”

“Oh. Uh, sure.” Trixie almost asked _‘About the drug thing?’_ but luckily managed to stop herself.

“So. You're okay with it?”

“Yeah? I mean, I wouldn't be if you were not sober. I don't want to be… ” - _dating_ \- “… around somebody who is on drugs. But you being, um…”

“An addict,” Katya provides evenly.

“- an addict, doesn't change that you're a person I like a lot.” Trixie bites her lip. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Is it currently a problem?”

Katya leans back and takes a second to answer.

“It's always going to be a problem but probably not in the way you’re thinking. I’ve been sober for three years and right now I'm doing good. But I can't promise you I will be tomorrow or next month or next year.”

“That's fair.” Trixie digs into her curry again.

“So we're good?

“Yup, as long as you're honest with me we’re good.” She takes a sip of her mango lassi. “I don't have a lot of experience with drugs personally, but I’ve toured with enough people who did. I know being an addict doesn't make you a bad person, but I don't want to be around drugs.”

“I get that. I can't say it's never going to happen, but I’ll try.”

Katya looks so small, Trixie thinks, with her face bare, her eyes wide and earnest, waiting for her to reply.

“That’s all I’m expecting.”

Katya nods and Trixie can see her shoulders drop with some of the tension leaving them. Trixie reaches across the table and puts her hand on Katya's forearm.

“I'm really glad you told me.”

“Of course. You have a right to know.” She looks down at the hand on her arm with a small smile.

“I don't, but it means a lot that you think so.”

With that Katya seems to be satisfied but stays quiet while they finish their dinner. She still seems to be in her own head when they settle on the sofa so Trixie asks if they want to watch something. Katya gives her the task of picking something and gestures to the cupboard underneath the TV, which turns out to hold her DVDs. Clue lies right on top and Trixie figures she can't go wrong with a classic. That turns out to be true because as soon as the movie starts Katya seems to perk up and quickly starts quoting every other line that's spoken. She still laughs along as if she's hearing all of it for the first time, grabbing Trixie and leaning into her. After a while Trixie keeps her there by putting her arm around Katya's waist.

“I had such a crush on Yvette as a kid,” Trixie admits while they're both shamelessly staring at her cleavage on screen.

“God, me too. I would fuck every single woman in this movie.”

“Even the cook?”

“Oh, I forgot about the cook. But I'm not a quitter, so yes, I’d fuck the cook too.” Trixie giggles and tries not to think about Katya casually saying 'fuck’ repeatedly.

By the time the movie is over Katya seems completely content but exhausted and it doesn't take a lot of convincing to get her to bed. They stand in the small bathroom with their arms touching, brushing their teeth side by side and while Trixie wipes off her makeup she takes in the sight of them in the mirror. They look good together. She doesn't get to dwell on the thought for long because Katya makes fun of her for all the skincare products she brought for one night.

“You’re laughing now, but in 10 years I’ll still be youthful and gorgeous and you’re going to be a withered mummy, with how much you’re smoking.”

Katya grins, presses a kiss to her shoulder and leaves her to her creams and serums. Trixie changes into a simple cotton nightgown. It has straps so it doesn't make her look like her own grandma, but with its yellow and blue flowers it's definitely more cute than sexy.

It's not the only option Trixie brought. In case the evening would go in a different direction she had packed a lacy baby pink negligee that she knows makes her boobs look divine. It's not the right mood for that but it's always good to be prepared.

Katya is sitting cross-legged on the floor hugging Dolly when Trixie comes out of the bathroom.

“Are you sure we can leave her out here? Isn’t she going to freak out all alone in a new place?”

Trixie looks at her dog, who she knows had been asleep already and crouches down next to the both of them. She gently strokes down Dolly’s nose.

“She’s gonna be fine. Let’s go to bed.” She gets up and offers Katya her hand. She lets go off Dolly and lets herself be pulled up. Katya doesn’t let go and instead leads Trixie into the bedroom. She only releases Trixie hand so she can pull off her knitted socks while Trixie climbs under the covers. Katya quickly joins her and seemingly without hesitation scoots close and throws one of her legs over Trixie’s, who has to wrap one arm around Katya to get comfortable. There are worse ways to sleep.

________

 

Trixie wakes up when the mattress dips next to her and a hand sneaks onto her hip. With a smile she scoots closer to Katya, guiding her arm around her waist.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.” Katya's voice is quiet and deep and Trixie settles her head between Katya's shoulder and jaw.

“S’alright,” she mumbles and softly presses her lips against Katya's neck. She smells of her lime body wash and cigarettes, which Trixie tries to ignore. It does explain why she just got back into bed though.

Trixie is perfectly happy peppering Katya’s neck and jaw with soft sleepy kisses but Katya seems to have other ideas. She scoots down so their faces are level, cups Trixie’s jaw with slightly cool fingers and leans in to kiss her properly. Trixie almost manages to lose herself in the sensation but then Katya licks into her mouth and Trixie pulls away.

“Nope. Sorry, but it’s like making out with an ashtray. I can’t do it.”

Katya stares at her open-mouthed. “Are you serious?”

“Yes. I’m sorry but smoker breath is gross and I just can’t deal with it right now.”

Katya whines and drops her head against Trixie’s shoulder, who can’t help but giggle. Trixie is sure she can feel her smiling against her skin.

“I’m being bullied in my own bed,” she says with mock offence.

“Okay, I will make out with you if you brush your teeth, deal?”

Katya considers the offer, finally sighs dramatically. “Deal.” She makes a show of peeling her limbs slowly away from Trixie.

“First I have to pee, though.” Trixie gets up quickly and easily beats her to the bathroom.

“And they say romance is dead,” Katya calls after her.

A few minutes later Trixie is back in bed after brushing her own teeth as well, settled in the middle of the mattress on top of the covers, and waiting for Katya to get back from the bathroom. She can't help but giggle at the situation. She has never before made plans to make out with somebody.

She had briefly considered changing into her lacy emergency sex nightgown but then imagined Katya coming into the room to find her lounging in bed in a negligee and decided it was too much, even for her. And she didn't want Katya to think she expects anything. Even though she might. Before Trixie can start overthinking things Katya is back, grinning her big joyful grin, and lunges at the bed, partly landing on Trixie and knocking the breath out of her.

“Whoops, sorry,” she says, not sounding sorry at all, and then her mouth is on Trixie’s. This time she lets Katya deepen the kiss and responds enthusiastically. When Katya pulls back Trixie involuntarily makes a whiny noise. Katya sits on her hips and slowly, shaking her head as if in a daze, brushes the hair from Trixie’s face.

“God, if you could see yourself.”

Trixie is far more interested in how Katya looks. Her lips are pink and swollen, her hair is even more of a mess than usual and her nipples are pushing against the thin fabric of the white tank top she slept in. Trixie slides one of her hands from Katya’s waist up to her breast, her thumb brushing over the hard nipple, and Katya’s mouth drops open in a silent gasp. She repeats the motion with a bit more pressure and Katya bites her lip, her eyes burning into Trixie’s.

Taking her time, Trixie lets her other hand travel up to her breasts as well. She can easily cup each one in her hands and when she does Katya presses her chest into the touch. With how sensitive she seems to be, Trixie can only imagine what sweet torture it must be to have the soft cotton rub against her skin.

Trixie keeps touching her gently and without any rush, enjoying how Katya gets visibly more and more worked up. Her eyes are closed now, her hands planted firmly either side of Trixie's shoulders. Trixie props herself up on her elbows and Katya’s eyes flutter open as Trixie stops touching her. Grinning up at her Trixie cranes her neck and puts her mouth on top of the fabric on Katya’s nipple. When she lets her teeth graze the sensitive flesh Katya moans and her hips start grinding against Trixie’s, seemingly of their own accord. Knowing she has this effect on the hottest woman she’s ever met makes Trixie giddy to the point that a giggle bubbles up inside her. When she realizes she’s laughing into Katya’s boobs it makes her laugh even more.

“What?” Katya asks breathlessly, hips coming to a halt. “What? _What?_ ”

Trixie doesn’t explain but Katya still giggles along with her, shuffles down a little so she can reach Trixie’s mouth and kiss her insistently.

“Trixie Mattel, you’re too much,” she says with an edge to her voice that makes Trixie clench her thighs. “I wanna see you,” she whispers right into Trixie's ear and she just nods. She lifts her hips as Katya unceremoniously pulls the nightgown up and then over her head.  

She’s only in her panties now and suddenly Trixie is painfully aware of the weight she's gained over the last years, of her cellulite and stretch marks, of her boobs flopping to the side when unsupported and she almost crosses her arms in front of her naked chest reflexively. Katya doesn’t seem to see all that because she looks at her with soft eyes and then touches her with soft lips, her mouth trailing first over Trixie’s clavicle and then down, down, down, making Trixie forget what she was worried about. With a groan she lets her head fall back and her eyes close when Katya bites the soft flesh of her hip.

“No,” Katya says calmly. “Look at me.” When she does, Katya locks eyes with her and starts pulling Trixie’s panties down with her teeth. She doesn’t get very far so Trixie lifts her butt and helps push them down and off. Somehow she doesn’t feel exposed, lying naked on the bed, Katya kneeling between her legs in her tank top and sleep shorts, blonde curls framing her head like a halo. She looks at her with want and adoration and Trixie feels revered.

“Can I taste you? Please?”

It's that ' _Please_ ’ that makes Trixie reach out and cup Katya's face.

“God, yes.”

Katya gently takes Trixie’s wrist, pulling the hand away from her face, presses her lips to it and then guides it into her own hair. As Trixie buries her fingers in her curls she slides down and starts kissing the inside of Trixie’s thighs, switching sides and moving closer and closer to her center. But even when Trixie tries to pull her where she wants her to go, Katya won’t let herself be pulled. Trixie whines in frustration and pushes her other hand into Katya’s hair as well and finally, _finally_ , she puts her mouth where Trixie needs it.

Katya’s tongue immediately finds Trixie’s clit, apparently done with teasing her. When her lips close around it and she sucks hard Trixie is vaguely aware she’s making a lot of noise, but she doesn’t care and probably couldn’t stop it even if she tried. All she can do is try to keep herself from pulling on Katya’s hair too hard and keep her legs still when all she wants to do is pull Katya close with all she’s got.

Trixie can feel her orgasm building up but even though Katya is not holding back, her mouth is just not enough. She tries to tilt her pelvis and get Katya to put more pressure on her but all it gets her is Katya taking her mouth off her altogether, making Trixie groan in frustration.

“What do you need, baby?” Katya asks with a lazy smile, as if she’s got all the time in the world.

“More,” is all Trixie can gasp and Katya’s smile gets wider.

“All you had to do was ask.”

When she puts her mouth back on Trixie she pushes two fingers into her as well and it’s everything she needed. She’s so wet there’s hardly any stretch and Katya slightly crooks her fingers, finding the spot that makes Trixie’s eyes roll back into her head. She doesn’t move her hand very far, but it’s fast and hard and Trixie is back on the brink faster than she thought possible. Breathy gasps are all that leave Trixie’s lips and when she comes she goes completely silent, her hips bucking as Katya works her through it.

Trixie feels completely wrung out, but seeing Katya lick the wetness off her fingers makes the heat in her core flare up again and she makes a strangled noise. Katya looks absolutely joyful as she crawls up Trixie’s body to kiss her and Trixie wonders what she's ever done to deserve this woman in her life. They kiss languidly while Trixie slowly regains all of her senses. Katya’s hips start rolling against her and Trixie props up one leg a little to provide her with more friction.

“Why are you still wearing clothes? How did that happen?” she asks when the fabric of Katya's shorts rubs against her thigh. Without a word Katya sits up and pulls the top over her head. Her hands immediately slide to her breasts, but Trixie has other plans. In one swift motion she pulls Katya down and flips them over so she’s on top. Looking down she thinks she could happily spend the rest of her life looking at Katya. But right now it doesn’t seem like Katya would be satisfied with that.

When Trixie puts her hands on Katya’s hips to remove the soft, well-worn shorts she notices a wet patch.

“Are you not wearing underwear or are you that wet?” she asks with a grin and gently strokes her through the ruined fabric. Katya makes a sounds like she’s being strangled and Trixie helps her pull the shorts off. As Trixie had expected she’s not wearing anything underneath them. She’s also unshaven, the dark blond curls glistening, and Trixie thinks it suits her. She bats Katya’s hands away from her tits and instead puts her own mouth on her again. Meanwhile her hand finds the way down to Katya’s entrance and gently pushes one finger into her. Immediately she starts to move her hips and ride Trixie’s hand. With her thumb Trixie starts rubbing Katya’s clit, hoping she’s going to finish soon because the position is guaranteed to give her a cramp. But after adding another finger, with Katya being already this turned on and now doing half the work herself it doesn’t take long until she’s shaking underneath Trixie and it feels almost as good as her own orgasm did.

Trixie drops down half on top of Katya and smiles when she languidly presses her lips against Trixie’s shoulder.

“So… better than Crying Hook-Up Girl?”

Trixie screeches and slaps Katya’s arm. Katya retaliates by half-heartedly tickling her. They end up with their naked limbs tangled together and content smiles on their faces.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry, it's none of my business. Your chemistry in the interview was just very lovely.” They get up and try to brush the gray dog hair off their dress, but quickly give up the exercise as futile.
> 
> “Was it? Because that was the day we met, actually.”
> 
> Jinkx looks at her surprised. “Then you two are quite something,” they say cryptically.
> 
> “We sure are,” Trixie agrees, for lack of anything better to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, we're at chapter 5 already, which I originally decided was the longest this fic was going to be. Turns out I'm a liar. Thanks to everyone who has left me a comment, a kudo or a message on tumblr, you all make me excited that I get to share this with you! As always a big thank you to [Charlotte](https://mizfaaanjie.tumblr.com/) for beta reading and [Naty](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) for being an angel and friend. 
> 
> Updates are probably going to be a little slower from here on out because I've caught up with what I had pre-written, just fyi. Anyway, enjoy!

****“Remind me to bring a round brush next time so I can do my hair properly-- oh.” Trixie stops dead in her tracks in the bathroom door when she notices the woman sitting on the couch. She must have got here while Trixie was blow drying her hair and didn’t hear the doorbell. Suddenly she’s self-conscious about singing to herself in the bathroom for the past couple of minutes. It’s a new feeling and one she doesn’t care for at all.

“Trixie! This is my friend Ginger. She was just about to leave!” Katya uncrosses her arms and picks up Ginger’s jacket and bag, that were resting on the arm of the sofa.

“Yeah, right.” Ginger snorts, but gets up and takes her stuff. Even next to Katya she’s short but she makes up for it by exuding the confidence of someone who doesn’t care what other people think of them. Also by being as wide as tall.

“Oh. Uh, you don’t have to leave on my account.” Trixie searches Katya’s face to figure out if that was the right thing to say, but Katya isn’t looking at her.

“No, that’s all right. I just came by to make sure you haven’t broken Katya’s heart and apparently you haven’t so I’m gonna piss off.”

“Right,” Trixie replies while trying to make sense of her words. “Ohhhh!” she drawls when it clicks. “You thought I was gonna turn around and leave as soon as I learned about the drugs. Well, I didn’t.”

Ginger doesn’t seem bothered to have been found out at all. “Apparently not. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she directs at Katya and then leaves.

Trixie breaks the awkward silence that follows with “So this happened.”

“I’m sorry, I was trying to get her to leave. Yesterday she made me promise I’d text her and let her know how it went but I forgot. I didn’t mean for her to show up like this.”

“No, that’s alright, she was clearly worried about you and wanted to make sure her friend is alright. I get that.”

“I guess.” Katya pauses. “So you don’t take it personal?”

“Oh, I absolutely do,” Trixie says and then grins. “Shall we go?”

________

 

As soon as they get to the flea market Trixie can see why Katya likes it so much. It’s not just people selling old junk, it’s people selling old _weird_ junk. There’s the usual books, records and decrepit furniture but she catches Katya longingly looking at a stall that seems to sell nothing but old doll parts. The whole place is fairly crowded, but since they’re walking around with a very large dog people make room for them.

After a while they find a stall that draws both their attention, Trixie’s with vintage jewelry and Katya’s with taxidermied animals.

“Trixie, look!”

At the sound of Katya’s excited voice, Trixie turns around. She is flashing her a huge grin, wearing a raccoon on her head and all Trixie can think is ‘ _Of course she is_ ’ and laugh. Trixie finds two rings she is pretty sure have actual diamonds on them and besides the raccoon hat Katya also picks up a framed vintage photograph of a little girl who, judging by her wide eyes and downturned lips, has either seen a murder happen or did the murdering herself.

“If you put her up in the bedroom you’re never seeing me naked again, you know that, right?”

“That’s fine, Meredith can go in the bathroom.”

“Oh my god, that’s so much worse.”

Katya only cackles. They approach a person of indeterminate gender sitting at a little folding table to pay. They have unkempt bright red hair and most of their face is hidden behind large sunglasses, even though the sun isn’t really shining. Before they can say anything they are greeted by a wide smile. There’s a corner missing from one of the front teeth.

“Trixie Mattel!”

Trixie can feel her polite customer smile slipping.

“You have excellent taste,” the person carries on in a sing-songy voice. Trixie looks at the two rings in her hand.

“Uh, thanks.”

“Oh, I meant your girlfriend.” They jerk their head towards Katya, who is still wearing the raccoon and, nervously grabbing one of its little paws, lets out a weird humourless laugh. Trixie isn’t sure if it’s because she just got told she’s got good taste or because she got called Trixie’s girlfriend. She supposes that’s a talk they’re going to have sooner or later, but not today. To Trixie’s relief Katya takes the lead in the conversation.

“I’ve not seen you around the market before, is this your first time here?”

“Yes, I just took over a shop on Haith Street.” They hand Katya a business card and she immediately holds it out to Trixie, who is already carrying Katya’s wallet and phone in her bag.

“Would you?”

“Sure.” Trixie looks at it long enough to see ‘Monsoon Antiques & Oddities’ written on it in a swirly font, before tucking it into her bag.

Apparently Katya is the kind of person who can make friends with anyone and they leave Jinkx, as they’ve learned, with the promise to come by the shop sometime and their items for a bargain price. She would like to think it’s because they’ve made such a good impression that Jinkx gave them a discount, but Trixie is fairly sure they decided the prices on the spot with very little regard for their actual value.

They stroll through the market bumping shoulders for another hour and get bagels from a food truck. When they’re about to leave Trixie catches Katya looking at the doll parts again.

“I won’t think you’re weirder than I already think you are if you buy something.”

Katya looks at her surprised. “And I thought I was being discreetly weird.”

Trixie snorts and with a grin says “Today or in general? Because neither.” They leave the market with a bag full of plastic doll hands.

________

 

Three days later the new issue of Curve is published. It’s been a while since the interview and Trixie had successfully repressed that that was going to happen eventually. It’s not that she’s changed her mind, she knows it’s a really good piece, but she doesn’t feel ready to have the public eye on her again. Regardless, she wants it to do well, for herself, for Katya and the magazine. Trixie had texted Michelle, asking for the login information to her official Twitter account, that Trixie assumes is usually tended to by an intern, and had immediately gotten a call back.

“What do you mean, you want to tweet about the interview yourself?” Trixie couldn’t help but feel indignant at how suspicious Michelle had sounded, even though given the fact that she has never shown any interest in social media before she had understood it.

“I want people to know it’s got my seal of approval and for the issue to sell well. That’s the entire reason I did this thing.”

“Hm.” Michelle had sounded unconvinced.

She had thought for a second and then taken a deep breath. “Also, Katya, uh, the journalist who filled in for Violet?” Trixie had waited for Michelle’s affirmative hum before continuing, “Well, we’re, uh, kinda seeing each other.” She’d have to tell her eventually so it was best to get it over with. What she hadn’t expected was Michelle’s reaction.

“Trixie, that’s wonderful!”

“It is? I mean _I know_ it is, but you think so?”

“Of course! It’s high time you got out there and found somebody. You’re a great girl and you deserve to be happy.”

Trixie had picked up a forgotten hair tie lying on her couch and started wrapping it around her fingers absentmindedly. “I mean, it’s early days, we’re still getting to know each other. It’s not like I’m moving in with her or anything… but thank you.” Sensing Trixie’s discomfort Michelle had quickly wrapped up the call after that.

“Alright, kid, I’ll text you the password. Call me if you need anything else.”

“Thanks, Michelle. Bye.”

As soon as the issue drops Trixie tweets out the link to the online edition.

_‘Hey guys, I’m just briefly leaving my cave to let you know you can find my exclusive interview with the brilliant @katya_zamo for @CurveMag here! Trixie xx’_

Then she immediately turns her phone off and disappears into her studio for the rest of the day. She doesn’t get much work done but there’s absolutely no way she can bear to see the reactions come in in real time. She goes on a long walk with Dolly and afterwards takes her time making dinner. By 7pm Trixie can’t put it off any longer and switches her phone back on.

There’s a flood of notifications. She ignores all the Twitter ones and instead goes to her texts. There’s one from Michelle and several from Kim, but she opens the 21 missed messages she has from Katya. Trixie had warned her that she would probably stay away from her phone for the day but that had apparently not deterred her.

**Katya**

_How did you even find my twitter??????_

_We’re selling so many online copies wow_

_Everyone is loving you!_

What follows are several screenshots of reactions on Twitter and Trixie is taken aback by the outpouring of love Katya has captured. She reads through the replies, some of which are just strings of heart emojis, others heartfelt messages of support and understanding. She can tell she is about to start crying when she keeps scrolling down.

**Katya**

_YOU’RE TRENDING_

The next screenshot is of the trending hashtags and obviously with her fingers Katya had drawn a thick red circle around ‘#LesbianIconTrixie’. Laughter bubbles up inside her and Trixie traces the line Katya drew with her own finger. The last couple of screenshots are of people talking about the photos and they seem to be equally divided into ‘Dolly is adorable’ and ‘Trixie is so hot’, which she enjoys more than she would ever admit. When she’s read through all the messages she calls Katya.

“Trixie! The lesbian icon herself!” In the background Trixie can hear loud voices speaking over one another.

“Hey! Where are you?”

“We're out celebrating, hang on.” There's a lot of rustling, Trixie can hear Katya walking and then it all quiets down. “Okay, I’m outside. Hi!” she finishes excitedly. Trixie smiles.

“So, are sales going well?”

“Oh my god, sales are through the fucking roof! It’s well on its way to becoming our most successful issue ever already.”

“That’s amazing, congratulations!”

“Thank you! I can’t take all the credit, it’s as much your interview as it is mine.”

That hadn’t really occurred to Trixie and she laughs. “I don’t know about that.” Then she preemptively cuts Katya off before she even has a chance to argue. “Thank you for keeping me updated all day, I really appreciate it.” Trixie is certain that not all responses are as positive as the ones Katya curated and sent her, but this way she didn’t have to wade through the comments herself and expose herself to things that would have ruined her day.

“Of course!” Katya says, her voice a little softer than before.

In the distance somebody yells, “Tell your girl I owe her one.” and Katya laughs.

“Looks like that’s what it took to get Ginger to like you.”

“I never said I liked her!” Ginger yells again and Trixie snorts.

“Shut up and smoke your cigarette, bitch!” Katya yells back.

“I’m gonna let you get back to your celebration.”

Katya makes her promise to talk tomorrow and Trixie hangs up with her chest feeling light and a big smile on her face. She reads the congratulatory messages from Kim and Michelle and even replies right away. Then she goes through the screenshots again that Katya sent her. She can’t quite wrap her head around the fact that these people really seem to care about her and her happiness. Trixie had convinced herself that after five years out of the spotlight the world would have forgotten about her, but apparently she had been wrong about that.

Against her better judgement she opens Twitter, searches for some of the people who had written her especially nice things and likes the tweets. And since she’s already there she goes to Katya’s profile as well. The newest things on there are retweets of other people talking about the interview and Trixie has to scroll for a bit before she finds the last tweet Katya made. With satisfaction she sees it’s a reply to Trixie’s own tweet.

 _‘When your longtime crush calls you brilliant’_ and then there’s a string of emojis that don’t seem to be in any way connected, neither to each other nor what Katya wrote. Trixie likes the tweet, takes a screenshot and sends it to Katya.

**Trixie**

_We’ve had sex you idiot_

Originally she wanted to to write ‘We’re dating’ but they still haven’t had that conversation. By the time Katya texts back Trixie is asleep already so she only sees it the next morning.

**Katya**

_You could just like my hot bod_

Trixie indulges in thinking about said hot bod for a minute before answering.

**Trixie**

_I definitely do but I also like your brain very much_

Katya’s replied by the time Trixie has showered and is sitting down with her morning coffee.

**Katya**

_I’d give it to you in a jar but I’m hoping to use it soon for the very first time. Fingers crossed!_

Before Trixie can answer she gets another text. It’s from her mom. She thought that might happen, but it still makes her immediately anxious.

**Mom**

_Hello Bee, I read your interview, I’m glad you’re doing well. Your siblings are all coming home for Christmas this year and we’d be so happy to have you with us. Let me know of you can make it! Love, mom_

All of Trixie’s giddiness is replaced with guilt. She hasn’t spoken to her mom in weeks, probably months, she doesn’t remember. Not because they don’t get on, they just hardly know each other. Trixie emancipated herself when she was 16, they all agreed it would be easier with her touring, and after that she never really returned to Wisconsin for more than a few days at a time. She grew up away from her parents and siblings and at the time she was so proud of getting out of there and making it on her own. Now her mother has to find out how she’s doing from a magazine. It hurts with an intensity she hadn’t expected and Trixie decides then and there to make amends.

She sighs and starts typing a reply. Trixie’s going to spend Christmas with her family in her childhood home in Wisconsin. It’s definitely going to be weird and uncomfortable. But they’re still reaching out to her after all this time, so she should do some reaching of her own.

________

 

There actually is a little bell above the door that chimes when Trixie enters and she is immediately charmed. Some of the charm dissipates when she takes in the complete chaos in the shop. Boxes of books and old toys are precariously balancing on top of furniture that ranges from antique to just old and hideous. Dolly tucks herself as close to Trixie’s legs as she can, trying not to bump into anything.

Trixie ventures a little further down the narrow paths, makes her way past an entire wall of gold-framed mirrors and ends up in front of a large case of jewelry. Christmas is a little over a month away and since she's here already she might as well see if she can get some present shopping out of the way.

“Trixie Mattel!” a voice exclaims behind her and she jumps.

“Hi, Jinkx. You don't have to announce me, I’m not about to go on stage.”

They cackle and with the black flowy dress they're wearing Trixie thinks they only need a pointy hat and a broom to complete the swamp witch look.

“I was just surprised to see you again so soon.” They kneel down and start baby-talking to Dolly, completely destroying the previous air of mystery. Trixie decides she likes them.

“I was in the neighbourhood and I have some time to kill, so I thought I’d swing by.”

Katya had texted her when Trixie had just gotten to the city that she’d have to stay late at work so Trixie had quickly googled where the next dog park was and navigated her car there instead of Katya’s place. She had pulled on a large pair of shades and spent a nice half hour with Dolly in the sun. The street sign saying 'Haith St’ next to the park had caught her attention and reminded her of the business card in her bag. Google maps had informed her the antiques shop was just a five-minute-walk away so she had put the leash back on Dolly and made her way over.

“I read your interview, I liked it.” Jinkx says without looking up at her, still focused on Dolly. “Have you two been together long?”

“Um,” is all Trixie says. She hadn't thought she'd be confronted about their relationship anytime soon.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry, it's none of my business. Your chemistry in the interview was just very lovely.” They get up and try to brush the gray dog hair off their dress, but quickly give up the exercise as futile.

“Was it? Because that was the day we met, actually.”

Jinkx looks at her surprised. “Then you two are quite something,” they say cryptically.

“We sure are,” Trixie agrees, for lack of anything better to say.

“So, are you looking for anything specific?” They gesture broadly to the room.

“Not really, just looking if something would make a good present for literally any of my friends and family.

“Hm, then jewelry is a good place to start. Just yell if you find something you like, I have to rearrange the window display.” They pet Dolly one more time and then Jinkx disappears.

Katya had told her she'd be at least two more hours so Trixie takes her time. She's already on the third case when something catches her eye. She calls for Jinkx and after a moment hears shuffling. It takes them a long time to reach Trixie, she suspects it's partly because of the labyrinth-like nature of the shop and partly because Jinkx doesn't seem to do anything fast.

“Can I have a look at that bee necklace?”

“Of course. Let me just get the key.” Trixie stares at them incredulously and then sighs as they shuffle off to god knows where in search of the key. In the end she gets her hands on the delicate gold chain with the bee pendant. It’s perfect for her mother. While Jinkx rings her up a flyer catches her eye. It looks like it was designed in Microsoft Word and when she reads the headline she believes it has.

“Oh, the variety show! You should come by, it's going to be great,” Jinkx says. “Well, decent at least, but definitely fun. And the kids would get a kick out of having someone famous in the audience.”

‘San Francisco LGBT Youth Center’ it says on the flyer.

“You’re involved with that?”

“I volunteer there a few times a week. It’s giving queer kids a place to hang out, find people like them and have a good time. We do a variety show once a year, everyone is very excited for it,” Jinkx explains, their voice getting a lot more animated.

“Oh, that’s lovely! I wish I would have had something like that growing up.”

“It’s a great project and I love helping out there. Recently two of our volunteers moved away and we’re looking for new people. It’s not much to do, basically just unlock the door and keep an eye on the kids while they do their own thing. Sometimes they let you join in, it’s fun.” Jinkx is staring at her as if they’re waiting for something.

“Well, I’ll see if I can make it,” Trixie says for minimum commitment, folds the flyer up, puts it in her bag and then pays for the necklace.

When she meets Katya at her place later, she apologizes for making Trixie wait and asks her what she got up to in the meantime.

“I got offered a job.”

Katya looks at her with understandable confusion and Trixie explains the whole situation.

“Are you going to do it?” she asks when Trixie is done.

“I don’t know.” She folds herself onto Katya’s couch. “I’ve been meaning to find something to get me out of the house more, but it’s a lot of responsibility. And they’re _kids_ , I don’t know how to talk to kids.”

Katya drops down next to her, pulls Trixie’s feet into her lap and starts absentmindedly stroking her calves.

“They’re teenagers, you’re not gonna have to change any diapers. They’re just people, you talk to them like people.”

Trixie gives a contemplative hum and tries to imagine herself doing what Jinkx had described. Instead she can immediately picture Katya hanging out with queer teenagers, maybe doing weird art stuff with them. But then maybe she can do music stuff with them.

“You could just go to the show, see what kind of people there are and if you like it and then make a decision.”

“That sounds very reasonable.”

“Reasonable is my middle name. Well, no, Petrovna is, but that’s because my parents didn’t know enough English back then to name me ‘Reasonable’.”

Trixie sits up.

“Your middle name is-- what was it?”

“Petrovna. It’s not really a middle name, it’s a patronym. But yeah, my full name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova.”

At that Trixie pulls her legs out of Katya’s reach.

“Yekaterina?” she asks and gets a cheery nod in response. “How have I never heard that?”

“Not even my parents call me that. And people struggle enough with Katya, so I started going by that professionally as well.” She shrugs. “Besides, it’s not like you haven’t changed your name, Beatrice Jean Mattel,” she adds with a grin. Trixie groans.

“How do you even know that, you stalker?”

“It’s on your wikipedia page.” Trixie sighs, stretches out again and settles her feet back in Katya’s lap. “Also when I was, like, 14 some teen magazine did a special on you and I bought it one town over, because I was cool and didn’t want anybody from school seeing me buy it, and I took out the pages about you and the poster and put it all up on my bedroom wall.”

“Oh my god, baby!” Trixie barely notices the pet name slipping past her lips. She doesn’t care either, she cups Katya’s face with both her hands and pulls her in for a kiss. Katya ends up lying mostly on top of her and Trixie wraps her arms around her. “You’ve had a crush on me for 15 years? That is so sweet.” Katya buries her head in Trixie’s neck and she can feel her laugh against her skin.

“The rest of my walls got covered in grunge bands and bad art I made but you stayed there and my mom always looked at it like she knew something I didn’t. I guess she did.”

“She knew you were gay before you did?”

“Yeah, I mean it didn’t take me long after that and one day I came home from school, walked up to her in the kitchen, all psyched up to fight with my conservative Russian parents and be proud of who I am, and I told her and she smiled and said ‘That’s lovely, dear.’ So that took the wind right out of the sails of my teenage rebellion.”

Trixie presses her lips to Katya’s curls. “That’s wonderful.”

“And then, because I had built up so much emotion around it, I started crying, like fully sobbing with snot and everything and she had to comfort me, but I was so relieved my mommy still loved me.” Trixie can’t help but laugh at that. She can imagine it all too well and wants to wrap 14-year-old Katya in a hug. Instead she pulls 29-year-old Katya even tighter to her body.

“Tell me about your parents.”

“They came here from Russia with my grandmother in the 80s and they were determined to become a typical American family. They did pretty well with the house in the suburbs and my brother and then me. I never felt Russian, I don’t really speak it either, as much as my Grandma tried.”

“Is that book hers?” Trixie asks and points to the thick volume she spotted the first time she came over. Katya briefly lifts her head to look over where Trixie is pointing and then lays it down on Trixie’s shoulder again.

“Yes, she gave that to me when I went away to college, so I wouldn’t ‘forget where I come from’. I think she still hopes that one day I’ll come home and suddenly speak Russian.”

“Do you see them often?”

“Not really, but we talk on the phone a lot, especially my mom and me. Before I got sober I kinda… stopped talking to them because I didn’t want to lie to them. But in the end they were great and helped me get back on my feet. And now I’m closer to them than I ever was before.”

For Trixie it’s a strange thing to imagine family having a large influence in your adult life, she barely considers herself part of her family at this point and Katya sounds so grateful to have them in her life.

“I’ve decided I’m going to spend Christmas with my family this year, for the first time in probably 10 years,” she says quietly. Katya pushes herself up, her brows furrowed and eyes searching Trixie’s face for something, she doesn’t know what.

“Why has it been so long?”

“I basically moved out when I was 16 and have never been back for more than a couple of days at a time. My youngest sister was 3 when I left, it’s like I don’t know them at all. And I’ve never made an effort to get to know them. I just sent money and was busy being a star.” She finishes the sentence with a sneer. “And they’re great, I know they are! There was no reason why I wanted to get out of there so bad, other than that I thought I was destined for bigger things than rural Wisconsin.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Katya interjects.

“I guess not. But two years ago my dad died--”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Katya grabs her hand and squeezes it. She squeezes back.

“He died and I went back for the funeral and everybody was telling all these stories about him and I’d never heard any of them. I wasn’t _in_ any of them. There is so much of his life I missed when I didn’t have to.”

“So what’s different now?”

“My mom texted me a couple of days ago and I felt super bad. Also I’ve been trying this hip new thing where I talk to people.”

“Yeah? How’s that going?” Katya asks with a smile and Trixie just pokes her gently in the ribs.

“So, anyway, starting now I’m going to be a good daughter and sister. Oh, I even bought my mom a Christmas present!” She gets up, digs the little box out of her bag and shows the necklace to Katya, who gently touches the pendant.

“It’s beautiful. Does the bee have any significance?”

“Mom keeps bees, she always has and when I was little I would help with them.” Trixie thinks fondly of the beehives on the meadow behind the house and spending her summers constantly surrounded by gentle humming. It’s one of the things she misses about home sometimes. “And she always calls me Bee. When I was a teenager I decided that was too childish and that I wanted to be Trixie instead and I’d be so annoyed when she’d still call me Bee.” She rests her chin on Katya’s head. “Maybe being Bee sometimes isn’t so bad.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Katya is my best friend and she’s been through a lot. I didn’t want some washed-up ex-celebrity leeching validation off her.”
> 
> Trixie grins at that description. “I get that, you’re trying to keep her safe and you probably think nobody is good enough for her.” Ginger hums in agreement. “I think so too, but luckily for me neither you nor I get to decide that. Katya does and she’s very smart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow okay, I know this one took a while BUT it is literally twice as long as some of the other chapters and I also uploaded a little spin-off from Katya's POV: [Owning our own Crazy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15415989). If you like useless lesbians it might just be the thing for you. Thanks to everyone who has already read it and commented and indulged me with this little experiment and of course thank you for reading, commenting, leaving kudos here and asks about this fic on tumblr (which makes me so very very happy).
> 
> Also thanks to [Charlotte](https://mizfaaanjie.tumblr.com/) for beta reading and [Naty](https://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) for listening to me whine that it's too hot to write for like three weeks straight.
> 
> If, like me, you're in the middle of a heat wave maybe this run-up to Christmas can cool you down a little. I'll see you for chapter 7, which is the last one, and then there's only the epilogue left to go. Can you believe????

“I can’t believe you’ve been hanging out in the city and have not come to see me even once. All you care about is getting your pussy ate.” Kim puts two cups of coffee down on her kitchen table and sits down opposite Trixie.

“That’s not true, I also care about eating pussy,” Trixie says and sips her coffee. Kim looks unimpressed. “Look, I’m sorry I haven't caught up with you in a while, but I thought you'd be happy for me.”

“I’m worried! You've been by yourself for a long time and this sounds like it got serious really fast. It's been, what? A month? How well do you really know Katya?” Kim’s immaculately filled in brows are furrowed and Trixie can see she really is worried.

“You’ve been nagging me for ages to get out more and meet new people, why is that suddenly a problem?” Kim rolls her eyes and Trixie starts bouncing one leg beneath the table impatiently, willing herself to not snap at her. “I appreciate your concern, but I'm a grown woman and I have thought about this, believe it or not. Katya makes me laugh and she makes me feel good about myself. I haven't felt that in a long time. And yes, I care about her, but we haven't agreed to anything other than spending time together.”

Kim looks at her with cool scrutiny.

“Can you look me in the eye and tell me you haven't imagined living with her and adopting several dogs together?”

“I could because I’m an excellent liar, but I won't.”

Kim groans, “Trixie!” and looks at her with something close to pity.

“What? I'm not going to apologize for being romantic.”

“I just don't want you to get your heart broken.”

“Well, guess what, I don't either.” Trixie sighs, then reaches out and puts her hand on Kim’s forearm. “Obviously I don’t know where this is going, I don’t even know what we are yet, but this is the first thing in years that’s worth putting effort into, other than my work.”

“Jesus,” Kim says and her expression softens. “You really got it bad for her, huh?”

Trixie just shrugs and drinks her coffee.

To her surprise Kim offers to accompany her to the variety show at the youth center. Katya is busy and Trixie had dreaded going alone and be surrounded by strangers. So when Kim says she’d like to come, Trixie doesn’t question it.

“This isn’t as depressing as I thought it was going to be,” Kim says as they step into the auditorium of the community center the youth program is a part of. Trixie has to agree. It’s not large, but it’s clean and doesn’t appear run down. There’s a few people milling about in the back, most of them talking to teenagers Trixie figures must be their children.

Suddenly she asks herself what the hell she’s doing here. She doesn’t know any of these kids and they probably have no idea who she is. And if anybody does recognize her how could she explain her presence here? The last thing she wants is draw attention to herself and away from these kids, who just want to have a good time with their friends and families. If Kim wasn’t with her she’d probably turn around right now and walk out.

“Oh, you came! Great!”

Trixie turns around and it takes her a second to recognize the person talking to her. Jinkx has their red hair curled and arranged carefully and their makeup makes them look like a completely different person. The shapeless witchy dress has been replaced with a form-fitting 60s style dress, showing off some lovely curves that Trixie had no idea were there before.

“Jinkx, hi! You look… different.”

The cackle that follows is undeniably the Jinkx Trixie knows. She barely has time to introduce Kim before a woman rushes over to Jinkx to let them know it’s about to start and immediately hurrys off again. If she recognizes Trixie she doesn’t show it. Trixie flinches a little when Jinkx raises their voice right next to her.

“The show is about to begin! Please take a seat, everybody!”

Jinkx steers them to a row near the front and they sit down. Trixie takes a look around and realizes how meager the audience is. She’s suddenly glad she came and that she brought Kim. There’s nothing worse than playing an empty room.

Then the lights lower and the woman who briefly spoke to Jinkx takes the stage, smiling brightly, but radiating nervous energy. She introduces herself as Dela, thanks everybody for coming and then introduces the first act. It’s a sweet girl singing a pop song Trixie is unfamiliar with to an unforgiving instrumental track. She has trouble keeping the tempo and she tries to be Christina Aguilera a bit too much for Trixie’s taste, but she’s not bad.

The acts that follow her are a mix of music, sketches and even some poetry. Some of it is genuinely good, some of it is absolutely terrible, but those kids seem to be fully self-aware and having a great time. Everyone gets an enthusiastic round of applause, complete with hooting and whistling from the kids that aren't on stage. It’s not even an hour until Dela announces the last act of the show: Evangeline with ‘You belong to me’ by Trixie Mattel.

A soft “Oh,” escapes Trixie and she sits up straight as a gangly girl in an ill-fitting dress holding a guitar takes the stage. Trixie can see her exhale slowly and then she’s singing. It takes for Trixie to hear her voice to realize Evangeline is trans. She’s definitely on the genuinely good side of acts, even if her guitar is cheap and in need of new strings. Trixie hadn’t expected any of these teenagers to know who she is, nevermind care about her music. And then this song! It’s off her first album and she had written it in her childhood bedroom, when performing on stages was nothing but a pipe dream. She hasn’t listened to it in years. Hearing it now by a low raspy voice that’s on the verge of breaking a few times, reminds her how much she used to love it and how proud of it she was back then.

She can feel Jinkx’ and Kim’s eyes on her and when the girl on stage finishes, Trixie joins in the whooping and clapping. Evangeline bows and looks into the audience with a beaming smile. Until she spots Trixie and her face falls in shock. Trixie makes sure to clap even more enthusiastically but she practically flees the stage.

“Oh no,” Trixie says quietly.

“I had no idea she was going to do one of your songs,” Jinkx whispers next to her. “I would have told her you might come.”

“She probably wouldn’t have done it then, it’s better this way.”

The houselights turn on, parents go find their kids and Jinkx joins a gaggle of teenagers all equally complimenting and making fun of each other’s performances. Trixie gets on her tiptoes and manages to spot Evangeline next to the stage, talking insistently with Dela.

She leaves Kim to herself and marches off. Neither of them spots her as she makes her way towards the stage, swerving around groups of people. The reception Trixie receives when she makes it to the two of them could not be more different. Dela gives her a dazzling smile and enthusiastically shakes her hand with both of hers. Evangeline seems to be frozen on the spot and shrinking in on herself.

“It's such a honor to have you with us, Miss Mattel. I didn't think Jinkx was serious when they said you might come by and here you are.” She doesn't seem to be aware that they briefly met earlier.

“Please, call me Trixie. It was a great show. Everyone seemed to have a fantastic time and you had some real talent on that stage.” Dela beams with pride, as if they were all her kids and in a way, Trixie supposes, they are. She turns towards Evangeline, who will not meet her eyes.

“I loved what you did with the song! You’re a much better guitar player than I was at your age. Oh, and that minor chord you added in the chorus? That’s so smart, I never thought of that.”

Finally she looks at Trixie with wide eyes. “Thank you,” she says quietly. Trixie doesn’t think she’s going to say anything else but then she can see her pluck up her courage. “My mom played it all the time when I was little, it’s one of my favourite songs.”

Trixie laughs. “Oh wow, now I feel old.” Evangeline laughs along nervously. “I wrote that song when I was still in high school about a female friend and I was convinced that was a totally platonic, heterosexual thing to do.” This time Evangeline laughs genuinely and seems to relax a little.

“Hey, do you want to take a photo to show your mom?”

“Uh, yes! Let me just get my phone.” She turns around and quickly makes her way through the rows of seats to the spot where Trixie can see a guitar case propped up.

“Thank you so much, I can’t imagine what that must mean to Evie,” Dela says with a big smile. “She hasn’t been coming to the center for very long. I think she doesn’t have a lot of support at home and she’s shy, but she loves making music.”

“Oh.” Trixie watches the girl come back towards them, waving off compliments with a hasty _‘We’ll talk later!’_. Trixie had noticed there were no excited parents waiting for her, but had hoped they just couldn’t make it today.

“For some of these kids this really is the only place where they can be themselves. We do the best we can to help them build a community here, but we have very limited resources and more than anything we need people to help,” Dela explains, looking at the groups of people scattered around the auditorium and Trixie recognizes it as a look of defeat.

“I’d like to talk about that with you, actually. If you have a minute after this?” Trixie isn’t sure when she decided she would follow Jinkx’ suggestion and offer her time, but it feels like the right thing to do.

“Oh, sure!”

Then Evangeline is back and pushes her phone into Dela’s hands for her to take a photo. They take three at Trixie’s insistence, just to make sure there’s a really good one in there. Evangeline thanks her profusely and Trixie thinks she might start crying when she hugs her.

When she tells Dela she’d like to volunteer she seems to be stunned, but very enthusiastically agrees. They set a date for them to talk through what Trixie would have to do and to be shown around. Afterwards Trixie goes to find Jinkx to thank them for inviting her and to say bye. As she does Evangeline breaks free from a group of the kids, who by now are hanging out on the edge of the stage.

“I just wanted to thank you again for coming and for taking the time to talk to me. It was so great to meet you!” she presses out on one long exhale.

“My pleasure!” Trixie says with a smile. “I’ll probably hang around here, so I’ll see you soon.”

“There you are, thank god. Can we go? I’m starving.”

Before Evangeline has a chance to reply Kim shows up at Trixie’s side.

“Yes, we can go. Evangeline, this is my friend Kim. She’s not always a horrible person with bad manners.”

Kim shrugs. “I am most of the time.”

“I love your hair!” With admiration Evangeline stares at the light purple waves, that Trixie saw Kim meticulously hairspray into place over what felt like several hours.

“Thanks,” Kim says, sounding unimpressed, but Trixie knows she’s fond of anyone who likes her hair and makeup work. Later while they’re having a quick dinner Trixie thinks about telling Katya about all of this and Kim calls her out for being disgustingly smitten. Trixie doesn’t disagree.

________

 

It’s almost midnight by the time Katya’s beaten up car pulls up in front of Trixie’s house. The hall light illuminates the gravel outside while she waits for Katya in the open door, with her arms crossed to protect herself from the cold.

“There you are! Did Ginger not want to let you go?” She takes Katya’s overnight bag and the rolled up yoga mat she brought off her, puts them down right next to the door and kisses Katya before she has a chance to answer.

Katya blindly pushes the door closed while Trixie crowds her against it.

“You’re eager for someone who told me I should wait until tomorrow and not drive all the way here at night,” she says between kisses.

Neither Katya nor Trixie particularly care about Thanksgiving, Katya because she’s the child of Russian immigrants and Trixie because as a musician she’s used to working on holidays. Neither of them plans on spending it with their families. That leaves them with an extended weekend during which nobody expects them to be anywhere. At least almost.

Katya was required to show up to Ginger’s Thanksgiving dinner, there was no getting out of it, she had informed Trixie. Trixie had suggested she come over the next day and they spend the long weekend together. She had been a little worried that it might be too much too soon, but Katya had agreed excitedly and even insisted she get there Thursday night.

“I think we’re past pretending we’re cool, casual people,” Trixie says and gets a laugh in response.

“Are we?” In her heels Katya is almost as tall as Trixie so they're eye-level.

“Are we not?” Trixie asks back and suddenly they're having _that talk_ in Trixie's hallway, still holding onto each other.

“Trixie,” Katya starts hesitantly, “I don't really date. I'm not sure if I can deal with complications in my life, because I’m at a point now where I’ve got a good, stable structure going.”

Trixie lets her arms drop and takes a step back. “Oh.”

“Oh, no no no! I wanna try though!” Katya eyes have gone wide and a little panicky and she steps into Trixie's space again. “I want to try with you.”

“Oh!”

“God, I should have led with that, I’m so stupid.”

Trixie laughs with relief and slaps her arm. “Yes, you should have!”

“So what about you then?” Katya asks, as if she doesn't know the answer.

“I'm an all or nothing kinda gal.”

Katya grins. “All it is, then.” Trixie beams back and pulls her in for another kiss. “Right, now that that's done can we go to bed? Because Ginger made me eat so much and you were right, I shouldn't have driven all the way out here so late and when I'm in a food coma.”

Trixie laughs and bends down to pick up Katya's bag. “Let's get you to bed then,” she says and with her free hand grabs Katya's to lead her to the bedroom.

The next morning Trixie is the first one to wake for a change and she happily spends a couple of minutes taking in Katya’s sleeping form. As Trixie has learnt she sleeps sprawled out, over her side of the bed and over Trixie. Trixie herself usually sleeps curled up, but that’s hard to do with someone else’s limbs on top of her, so when they’re sharing a bed she’s started to adjust. This is the first time Trixie gets to see that Katya drools in her sleep. There’s a small wet spot on the pillow and some dried spit on her chin and Trixie struggles to keep the laughter down once she notices.

With the cool November air coming through the open window she’s grateful for the warmth Katya always seems to be radiating. She imagines during the hot California summer that’s going to be a challenge, but for now she’s cozy and warm under the covers, with her girlfriend - her _girlfriend_ \- wrapped around her and it’s the nicest Thanksgiving Trixie’s had in a long time.

She must have left the bedroom door open a little because out of the corner of her eye she can see it being pushed open and then the familiar sound of paws on the wooden floor reaches her ears. Soon Dolly wanders into her field of view and tries to lick her face. She quickly turns away and ends up with her face in Katya’s hair.

“Stop that,” she reprimands gently.

Next to her Katya sighs softly and her eyes flutter open. “I’m not doing anything,” she says and half the sentence disappears in a yawn. She pulls Trixie even closer to her. “Not yet, anyway,” she adds and starts nuzzling Trixie’s neck. Reluctantly Trixie pulls away.

“I need to let Dolly out, don’t you dare move!” She points one finger at Katya’s face and gets a sleepy grin in response.

“I would never.” To prove her point she does not lift the arm she has around Trixie’s waist so she has to crawl out from underneath Katya. Trixie is back in record time and simply sits down on Katya’s hips, who immediately looks a lot more awake.

“Right,” Trixie says matter-of-factly, “you’re not getting up until we’ve had at least four orgasms between the two us.” It turns out that Katya responds extremely positively to a challenge. In the end Trixie gets three of those orgasms and has to convince Katya to get one in as well.

After that they start their day slowly, Katya with yoga and Trixie with watching Katya do yoga. Then Trixie makes French toast with Katya’s help (sitting on the counter next to the stove and telling Trixie all about last night’s dinner at Ginger’s) and they settle on the sofa, prepared to spend the rest of the day watching 90’s rom-coms.

On Saturday Katya starts getting antsy and at first Trixie assumes it’s because she’s been smoking less than usual over the last two days. But then Katya realizes she hasn’t spend this much time without doing anything work-related in years. The long walk they go on with Dolly helps, but in the end she runs for an hour on the treadmill in Trixie’s basement that’s been covered in a not so fine layer of dust.

Meanwhile Trixie grabs her pink guitar and starts aimlessly plucking at the strings. She smiles when the thudding of Katya’s feet downstairs gives her a steady beat. Her own knee starts bouncing to the rhythm and she hums a melody over it. The lyrics come by themselves and all Trixie can do is grab a notepad and write them down before they disappear again. She reads them over and doesn’t know if they’re about Katya or herself but she supposes they’re not so different after all.

Later Katya finds the notepad lying on the coffee table and asks, “ _'Oh soldier, take your time’ -_ Have you been writing? Is this for the film project?”

Trixie snatches it out of her hand before she has the chance to read more. “No, it's for me.” Katya looks intrigued at that but doesn't push it.

Over the weekend Trixie learns several important facts: that her bathtub is big enough for two, that Katya has a strap-on and knows exactly what to do with it and that she can be very cruel and patient when it means she can make Trixie whine and uselessly wiggle her hips around.

Trixie also learns that she can spend three days with Katya without getting irritated. Most other people she can stomach for a maximum of two hours before Trixie longs for the solitude of her home. Now - at least for the weekend - her home is no longer solitary and she doesn't mind. That's a good thing to know, considering they’re officially dating now. It would have been embarrassing to have that whole discussion with Katya only for Trixie to realize she can't actually bear to spend time with her.

Katya leaves on Sunday night, but before she does she insists they have sex in front of the fireplace on a bear skin rug. As a vegetarian and general not gross person Trixie doesn't own one of those and they have to settle for several fluffy blankets.

“Seriously, what's the point of having a fireplace when you don't have sex in front of it?” Katya pants shortly after having climbed off Trixie's face.

“Being warm and cozy.” Trixie grabs Katya's arm and arranges it across her stomach.

“Mama, it doesn't get much warmer and cozier than this.”

Trixie hums, half in agreement and half from the feeling of being sleepy and fully content. It wouldn't be the first time she has fallen asleep in these last few days with Katya's naked form pressed against hers, even just for a couple of minutes. Then Katya's finger gently pokes her in the soft flesh of her belly

“Hey, I wanted to ask you something.”

The sound of Katya's tense voice pulls Trixie away from the edge of sleep.

“Yeah?” she asks.

“We're having a small office Christmas party at Ginger’s soon and I was wondering if you'd come with me? It's just a few people and they're all my friends and they’ve been asking about you and you can totally say no,” Katya rattles off and Trixie interrupts her.

“I’d like that,” she says with a smile. That's a lie, but it's worth it for the grin she gets in return. It's not that Trixie absolutely hates the thought of spending a few hours with Katya's friends and coworkers. She's curious to see how Katya is around people who aren't her and maybe she might even get a few embarrassing stories out of this. But so far she's only met Ginger, who definitely doesn't like her. Maybe she's going to be that new girlfriend someone brings to a party, that everyone wonders what their friend sees in. She's also just generally bad with new groups of people. Katya knows that and it's probably why she was so nervous to ask.

But Katya wants her there. They've only known each other for a couple of weeks, it would have been completely fine for Katya to not ask her and feel like it would be too soon to introduce Trixie to her friends as her girlfriend. But she did ask and there's no way Trixie would turn her down.

________

 

Trixie spends so much time worrying about the upcoming Christmas party that she almost forgets to worry about her first shift at the youth center. It happens in the first December week and Dela has planned for her to do one day with Jinkx so they can show Trixie around and let her know what she needs to do.

“Hey everyone, this is Trixie. She's going to start looking after you, now that Raja and Jujubee are fed up with you little monsters,” Jinkx sing-songs at the group of teenagers sitting in a circle on the floor. The only one Trixie knows, Evangeline, isn’t there. “Who wants to show her around?” Trixie can feel all their eyes on her and immediately doubts her decision to do this. None of them make any indication of wanting to leave their conversation and Trixie can’t blame them.

“Guys, come one, if none of you do it I will have to and I don’t want to.” That gets them a tired smile and one boy gets up, sighing as if he carries the weight of the world on his skinny, probably 16-year-old shoulders. Trixie tries to remember what he did for the variety show or if he even was there, but comes up empty.

“Fine.”

“Tyler! Fantastic! I’m getting coffee.” And with that Jinkx wanders off to wherever coffee lives in this place.

“Hi, guys!” Trixie tries with fake cheeriness. She gets a few half-hearted _‘Hey_ ’s back and one girl waves at her.

“So this is where we hang out when we don’t have anything else to do. You can leave your stuff here.”

Trixie drops her bag on a chair and follows Tyler out of the room. The tour itself is fairly short. Tyler shows her the auditorium, which she already knows, the offices, where Trixie already had a brief chat with Dela earlier, the bathrooms, a kitchen Trixie learns they’re not allowed to use and - according to Tyler, most importantly of all - the vending machines. On the way back to the room they started in Trixie asks him what exactly they do here.

“Mostly we just hang out. Sometimes Jinkx helps us put on plays and stuff like that. Raja used to teach a bunch of art classes for the community center and would let us mess around with the leftover materials. They did fashion shows with us a few times, that was fun.”

“Raja is one of the people who left, right?”

“Yeah, they moved to LA for work, Jujubee too.” Tyler doesn’t hide his chagrin. “We all want them to do great, but we miss them a lot,” he explains. “And Jinkx doesn’t know what to do with us anymore, they’re here pretty much every day now.” That explains the unenthusiastic atmosphere Trixie had walked in on earlier.

“Jinkx asked you to help here, right?” Trixie nods. “How do you know them?”

“My girlfriend bought a dead raccoon hat from them.” Trixie had thought that might get her a laugh, but Tyler only nods. If you know Jinkx well enough that’s probably not surprising.

When they make it back they are greeted by a surprised “Trixie!” from Evangeline, who has evidently arrived in the meantime.

“Hey, good to see you again!”

Tyler looks between them confused. “Wait, are you that singer that Evie loves so much?”

“I sure am a singer, yes.”

That seems to be the first things Tyler is mildly impressed by. “Cool.”

“Oh, that reminds me, I’ve got something for you,” Trixie says to Evangeline. While she walks over to the chair she dropped her bag on, Tyler rejoins the circle on the floor and nobody is paying attention to them anymore. Trixie grabs the little packet of guitar strings and hands it over.

“I figured you might have some use for these. I don’t know what tension you prefer but they’re my favourites.”

Evangeline looks at her with wide eyes. “I can’t-- I can’t take these.” She tries to hand them back to Trixie.

“Oh no, please, I compulsively buy strings, I have an entire box at home. Take them.”

“Uh… thank you?”

“You’re welcome. Do you know how to put them on?”

Evangeline looks at her almost offended. “Yes!”

Trixie raises her hands in an appeasing gesture. “Otherwise we could have done it together next time.”

“So you’re really gonna start working here?”

“Yup.”

“Awesome! Maybe then my mum won’t mind me coming here anymore.”

“Why does she mind?”

Evangeline takes a deep breath and thinks for a moment. “She doesn’t really… believe I’m trans.”

“What?”

“She thinks I’m just going through a phase and that coming here is making it worse.”

“Wow.” Trixie doesn’t know what to say to that. “I’m sorry.”

“No but she loves you! She’s not a fan of the whole you being gay thing--”

Trixie snorts. “Her and a few other people.”

“--but if this is an opportunity for her child to hang out with you, then she’s not gonna say anything!” Evangeline grins at her excitedly.

“That’s cool. If you need to use me in some way for her to be fine with you coming here we can totally do that. She could come by, I could take some pictures with her and sign some stuff, do you think that would help?”

“Oh my god, would you?”

“Of course!”

Well, at least one of these kids is really excited to have her there.

________

Before the Christmas party they get ready together at Katya's place and Trixie is glad for the company. If she was alone she would be completely freaking out, but for Katya she can keep it together.

Katya doesn’t need nearly as much time to do her hair and makeup and she spends the time waiting for Trixie excitedly chatting away to her about everyone who is going to be there and what they’re like. It is obvious that she loves the people she works with and Trixie has to ask her to stop talking while she does her eyeliner because she doesn’t want to ruin it by laughing at some of the dumb stuff Katya and a girl named Adore have been pulling.

While listening to her chattering on Trixie also realizes that Katya loves her job. She had assumed she was working herself to the bone for her friend Ginger and Trixie still thinks that’s part of it but Katya loves writing and she loves the magazine and she loves that she gets to touch the lives of people who are like herself and who might find comfort or strength or joy in something she made. What Katya does is art, Trixie thinks while applying a last coat of berry-coloured lipstick and thinking back to the first secret she shared with Trixie, whispered into the dark in Trixie’s bedroom. Katya still wants to be an artist and she doesn’t realize she already is.

“What do you think?” Trixie asks after stepping into her heels, doing a little twirl for Katya. She takes her time taking in the deep red, knee-length dress Trixie has donned for the occasion. She had bought it specially after Katya had showed her the black dress embroidered with red flowers she was going to wear, but she doesn’t need to know that.

“You look incredible.” Katya grabs her by the hips and pulls them flush against each other. “Only problem is I wanna take it off you again right now.” She leans in for a kiss, but Trixie evades her.

“Don’t you dare ruin my makeup! And I don’t want to be late.”

“I’m late all the time, they’re used to it,” Katya argues, but gives in after a pointed look from Trixie and sighs. “Later?” she asks hopefully.

“Later,” Trixie promises with a smile.

The only other person that’s already at Ginger’s place when they get there is a woman named Alaska. With her towering blonde hair, beautiful features and drawling voice she is striking and a little bit intimidating, especially when she keeps casually touching Katya while they say hello and do introductions. Still, she’s glad to not be alone with Ginger. Their hostess had not been openly hostile towards Trixie when greeting them at the door, but she hadn't been particularly warm and welcoming either. Trixie wasn't really surprised by that but by the look Katya gives Ginger they've had a discussion about this and Katya is not happy with the outcome.

The next person to arrive is a tiny girl called Max, who Trixie knows is the newest intern and who is somewhat skittish around everyone, it seems. She relaxes a little when Trixie compliments her grey hair and they quickly fall into a conversation about vintage fashion.

Trixie also meets the elusive Violet, who is intimidatingly beautiful. She emanates an air of youthful condescension and once again Trixie is glad it was Katya who showed up on her doorstep instead. Violet has also brought her girlfriend, who is equally stunning. Trixie can easily see the pair of them on the cover of pretentious French fashion magazines. She's a makeup artist and Kim actually met Violet through her, Kim even showed Trixie some of her videos. That's how she knew Kim was seriously impressed, which is an emotion that doesn't come easy to her.

“I’ve seen some of your work on your YouTube channel, it's incredible. Miss Fame, right?”

She nods and smiles in a way that lets Trixie know she hears a lot of (well deserved) praise and it really tickles Trixie that for once it's her complimenting a stranger's work and not the other way around. It takes Fame (as she seriously calls herself) all of five minutes to start talking about the chicken farm she grew up on and Trixie is delighted to find out that she is a huge, beautiful dork.

Fame is in right in the middle of a fairly boring story about one of her prize-winning chickens when the doorbell rings and who Trixie correctly assumes to be Adore enters the apartment in a flash of colours and noise. She is the only one who immediately pulls Trixie into a tight hug that she barely has the presence of mind to return.

“Dude, it's so nice to meet you! Katya talks about you all the ti-”

“Go get a drink, Adore!” Katya interrupts her and Trixie can't keep the grin off her face.

“Yeah, like that time she said she expected you to be dumb, boring and old,” Ginger says with a calculating look and Katya groans while Trixie scream-laughs. That seems to take Ginger by surprise.

“That's not what I said at all!” Katya starts explaining herself but stops when she sees Trixie is still grinning and then puts one arm around her waist.

This is apparently what it takes for everyone to realize Trixie doesn't take herself all that seriously and the atmosphere gets a lot warmer and more relaxed after that. As Katya had promised it's a small affair with only a few people, drinks (mostly non-alcoholic, Trixie notes), snacks and conversations. Trixie ends up chatting mostly with Fame and Adore, the first because they seem to click immediately and the second because apparently Adore has made it her mission to befriend Trixie. She doesn't mind at all, especially because it's obvious she cares about Katya a lot.

Katya doesn't stay with her the entire time but regularly comes by, gently touching her elbow or shoulder or hip, checking she's doing okay and Trixie is grateful for it, even though she doesn't really need it.

After a while Adore loudly demands Ginger bring out her guitar and it takes Trixie by surprise that Ginger not only owns a guitar but will also let one of her employees rummage around in her bedroom to get it. Adore tunes it quickly and more accurately than Trixie would have expected of her. The problem begins when she actually starts playing Christmas carols since it turns out she neither knows the chords nor the words to anything other than Jingle Bells.

Ginger takes the guitar from her and starts playing O Holy Night. She’s obviously a trained singer, Trixie thinks she must have done musical theatre at some point. Adore is the first one to join in, despite barely knowing the words. Alaska does and so does Katya, who starts singing with a lot of enthusiasm and very little accuracy. She elbows Violet in the ribs and she starts singing too, looking like it’s beneath her the entire time, but Trixie sees her swaying to the beat and smiling at Fame. Trixie starts singing too, but keeps her voice low, as to not draw too much attention to her. In the end even Max joins in.

Trixie slowly starts to relax. She can't remember when she last sang Christmas carols with anyone, at least just for fun. Back when she was still performing this was the busiest time of year and like everyone else she had made a Christmas album at some point. It wasn't a bad album, but making it wasn't an artistic choice, just a smart business decision. For the longest time Christmas was only about work and then suddenly it was _quiet_. It wasn't sad or bleak or more lonely than any other time of year. But without work Trixie hadn't known what to fill it with. The answer seems to be people.

At some point even Ginger’s repertoire comes to an end and Trixie considers getting another drink and maybe having a chat with Alaska, since she knows her and Katya are good friends as well. But apparently not everyone is ready to move on because Adore grabs the guitar again.

Instead of starting to play herself she holds it out to Trixie and says, “You should play some, I bet you know tons of Christmas songs!”

Trixie looks from her encouraging expression to the guitar and feels the panic rise in her. All the eyes in the group have turned to her and Trixie catches Katya looking at her with a frown from the other end of the couch. Adore is still holding the guitar towards her. She swallows and can feel her jaw clench.

“Wow, okay, I’m not a fucking jukebox.” It was supposed to be a joke but it comes out harsh and humourless and Trixie can see confusion take over Adore’s features as she slowly lets the guitar sink. Trixie can’t stay sitting still any longer and gets to her feet. “I need to…” What she needs she doesn’t know but then she spots the balcony door. “Air,” is all she says before quickly making her way through the stunned group of people, only exhaling when she’s outside.

It may be California but it’s still December and she’s in a sleeveless dress. When the cold hits Trixie the panic subsides and mortification takes its place. She wraps her arms around herself, but it doesn’t really help, either with the cold or her feelings. Not even for one evening could she manage to be a decent, normal person. She could have just said no and Adore probably would have dropped it. But instead she had to make it weird.

The door slides open behind her and then Katya puts a gentle hand on her lower back.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Trixie sniffs and her fingers grab her own arms tightly. “No,” she says forcefully, “I’m cold and I feel stupid.” She doesn't look at Katya but Trixie is sure she is smiling. She steps closer to Trixie's back and starts rubbing warmth into her arms, but doesn't say anything. Slowly Trixie starts to relax into her touch and sighs.

“I completely overreacted and I shouldn't have snapped at Adore like that, she was just being nice.”

“You did and you shouldn't have,” Katya agrees without any accusation in her voice.

“But performing whenever other people want me to is the one thing I don't do anymore and I was already anxious and I wanted to make a good first impression and instead I did this.”

Katya steps around her, completely slides her arms around her and Trixie drops her head on Katya's shoulder.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin this.” She is certain she can feel Katya press a kiss to her hair.

“You didn't ruin anything. Nothing an apology can't fix and I wouldn't worry about it, I don't think Adore knows how to hold a grudge. She’ll understand.” Trixie just whines into her shoulder and Katya laughs quietly. “But other than that you’re okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” She raises her head and puts her arms around Katya’s waist, fingers interlocking at her back. “You should go back inside. I’ll follow you in a minute, I just need to figure out how to not be an asshole real quick.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.” Katya squeezes her tightly, then lets go and immediately Trixie misses her warmth.

“Okay, see you in there.”

Trixie nods and smiles and watches as Katya goes back inside, giving her one last smile through the glass. Trixie leans her naked forearms on the banister and looks out across the dark city. She’s even more cold this way but it feels like an appropriate position to wallow in self-pity for a moment. Instead she just feels lucky to have Katya.

Katya isn’t mad at her. Instead she came to check on her, made sure she is okay and is giving her the space she needs now. If their roles were reversed Trixie doesn’t think she would have reacted the same way. Once again she is reminded that there seems to be no end to Katya’s kindness and empathy and she doesn’t know how she’s ever going to repay her. Behind her she can hear the door open again.

“I’m coming, I just need to pull my head out of my ass.”

“That would be nice, but there’s no rush,” says a voice that’s definitely not Katya. Trixie whips around.

“Oh. Hey, Ginger.”

Ginger leans against the banister next to her.

“You alright, girl?”

“Yeah.” Trixie exhales forcefully. “Sorry for making things awkward.”

Ginger casually waves one hand. “Oh please, I’ve heard every one of these women in there say some dumb shit.” She pauses and seems to think for a second. “Except for Max, but the kid doesn’t speak much. I thought inviting her would make her loosen up a little, but apparently that’s not a thing she does.” Trixie snorts and for a moment there’s a companionable silence between them.

Then Ginger says, “I think I misjudged you.”

Trixie looks at her surprised. “Really?”

“You’re less of a stuck-up bitch than I thought,” Ginger explains casually and Trixie bursts out laughing.

“Thanks, I guess.”

“Katya is my best friend and she’s been through a lot. I didn’t want some washed-up ex-celebrity leeching validation off her.”

Trixie grins at that description. “I get that, you’re trying to keep her safe and you probably think nobody is good enough for her.” Ginger hums in agreement. “I think so too, but luckily for me neither you nor I get to decide that. Katya does and she’s very smart.” That seems to take Ginger by surprise. “What?”

“You seem to be as much of a mess she is. And you get the same stupid expression when you talk about her that she gets when she talks about you. Maybe you really don’t just want her to blow sugar up your ass.”

“That sounds very uncomfortable and potentially dangerous.”

Ginger snorts at that and then they’re both quiet again. Maybe this is the common ground Ginger and her needed to find in order to be okay: the shared belief that she’s not good enough for Katya and that there’s nothing either of them can do about it.

Apologizing to Adore is as easy as Katya had predicted because she seems to have no negative feelings towards Trixie. Coming back inside Trixie immediately heads towards her and drags her off into a corner. Then she takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry for how I talked to you, you hit a sore spot that you couldn’t have known about and I completely overreacted.”

“That’s alright, I shouldn’t have pushed you,” Adore says while absentmindedly peeling the label off her beer bottle.

“You didn’t!” Trixie quickly assures her.

“Awesome,” she says and then there’s an awkward moment. Adore breaks it up with, “We cool?”

Trixie smiles. “Yeah, we’re cool.” She’s pulled into a tight hug again. “Okay.” She pats Adore’s back.

With that weight off her mind Trixie gets herself another glass of wine and then makes her way over to Katya, who alongside Alaska appears to be sampling all the food. Immediately one of her hands settles on Trixie’s lower back and the familiar touch grounds her.

“Everything okay?”

“Yup, Adore and I hugged it out.”

“Oh yeah, she’s a hugger,” Alaska says, dragging out the last syllable. “Listen, I know we can be a bit much, but we don’t mean to scare you off. We’re actually nice people.”

Trixie wants to say something about not scaring that easily, but after her little breakdown earlier that seems like a lie. “You really all care about each other a lot, don’t you?” she asks instead. Trixie has never worked in an office, but she's sure that not all offices are like this.

“We do! And we’re all really happy that Katya has found someone she wants to date, we didn’t think that was ever going to happen.”

Katya groans and Trixie catches her rolling her eyes. “Thanks, mom, that’s enough about that.”

“Don’t act like that when I literally had to convince you Trixie was into you.”

Trixie gasps. “Is this the moment I learn embarrassing stories about my girlfriend?”

“Oh god,” Katya groans and Trixie grins at her Boston accent coming through.

Alaska with her hip propped against the table leans closer to Trixie and in conspiratorial voice says, “You asked her out to dinner and she thought it was a work thing.”

Trixie screeches. “Babe!” Katya looks grumpy and the fact that she’s stuffing a cookie into her mouth only makes her look more like a child. “Of course I was into you! I gave you my phone number. There’s like ten people who have that and half of them are related to me.”

“Yes but I didn’t know that at the time,” Katya mumbles around a mouthful of cookie. Trixie laughs and presses a kiss to her temple.

The rest of the evening passes uneventful and Trixie manages to have a chat with everyone. Violet surprises her by being a lot nicer than Trixie had expected. Her expression seems to have little to do with her feelings, apparently her face just does that. She enthusiastically talks about her aerial performances and even shows Trixie some videos on her instagram.

Max is the first one to excuse herself, saying it’s getting late and a glance at her watch tells Trixie it’s already past eleven. After that the party starts to dissolve. Violet and Fame are the next to leave and Katya gently nudges Trixie’s hip.

“You ready to go?” she asks quietly and Trixie nods.

“Nooooo,” Adore whines. “You guys can’t go! It’s gonna be boring here without you!”

“I have a solution for that: leave!” Ginger seems to be ready to have the place to herself again and the shuffle of everyone grabbing their jackets and bags begins. After they’ve already said their goodbyes to everyone, Adore once more hugging Trixie, Ginger stops them.

“Oh, Katya, can you send me over the list of pitches we talked about tonight? I wanna look at those first thing in the morning.”

“I'm sorry, Ginger, but absolutely not,” Trixie answers instead and grabs Katya's hand.

“What do you mean, ' _absolutely not_ ’?”

“She doesn't have time, she needs to go home and fuck her girlfriend,” Trixie explains with a sunny smile and pulls the laughing Katya after her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Trixie?”
> 
> “Hm?”
> 
> “Are you happy now?”
> 
> Trixie blinks a couple of times. That’s not something she’s thought about in a long time. She considers it for a moment.
> 
> “I think I’m getting there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am with a Christmas chapter in August, I hope you enjoy it! Thanks as always to my beta [Charlotte](https://mizfaaanjie.tumblr.com/) as well as [Naty](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) for her constant support and reassurance. 
> 
> And thank you, everyone who has left comments, kudos and asks on tumblr, I cannot begin to tell you how much that means to me. Hey, by the way, did you know you can leave anonymous comments here if you want to? Because you can. 
> 
> All that's left after this is the epilogue and then it's time to say goodbye to these lesbians, I can't quite believe it.

Coming back to her childhood home feels like stepping into the scene of a book. Trixie has so many memories of this house and the people in it, but they feel so distant they might as well have happened to somebody else. What is undeniably real are the arms of her mother pulling her into a hug with surprising strength. 

Diane Mattel had always been short and very slender and every time Trixie comes home she’s hit by how small her mother is. She used to bemoan that she had inherited her father’s tall frame and chunky build instead. Other than that it is obvious that they are mother and daughter. They have the same thick, shiny blonde hair and the same face with an upturned nose, dimples and warm brown eyes.

“Hi, Mom,” Trixie says as she lets herself be pulled down and returns the hug. She didn’t even have a chance to take her coat off yet. When her mom lets go off her she realizes she’s blocking the door and her brother is awkwardly waiting for them to get out of the way.

Awkward also describes their drive home from the airport. When Trixie had spotted Josh she had actually been excited to see him. They had hugged, he’d asked about her flight and Trixie had thanked him for picking her up and then neither of them knew how to keep a conversation going. When she asks him about work Josh tells her it’s going well and that he got promoted a few months ago. Trixie isn’t sure what he does, exactly, just that he works in HR and that he’s been with the company for years, so she can’t ask what they do. The rest of the one-hour-ride they had spent listening to music. It had made Trixie dread the next four days she was going to spend only with her mother and her siblings.

Now smelling the familiar organic herbal shampoo her mom has used for as long as Trixie can remember the heavy feeling in her chest subsides a little.

“Josh, bring Trixie’s suitcase upstairs, will you?”

“Mom, it’s fine, I can--” Trixie doesn’t get to finish the sentence because Josh is already halfway up the stairs. Her mom hangs up her coat, as if Trixie can’t hang it up herself, and then looks her up and down.

“You look lovely, sweetheart, did you do something different with your hair?”

Trixie shakes her head. She looks a mess, like any person who got off an airplane not so long ago, with her hair hanging over her shoulder in a limp ponytail. She didn’t even really bother with makeup, she just put on some mascara so she wouldn’t look quite as tired. 

“You must be cold, now that you’re used to California. I’ll make us tea.” She says that every time Trixie comes home and it’s true, she did move to California for the nice weather and coming back to Wisconsin in the winter the cold somehow takes her by surprise every time. For some reason she always tells her mom it doesn't bother her.

Josh joins them in the kitchen, that still has the wooden cabinets that they all painted a sunny yellow the summer after her youngest sister Ashleigh was born. Trixie was 13 at the time and didn't care all that much about the painting, but she delighted in wielding her power as the eldest sibling and telling Josh and Lauren what to do. The cabinets have been revarnished professionally since then, but they're still yellow.

Trixie wraps her hands around the steaming mug her mom places on the kitchen table in front of her. 

“Where are Lauren and Ashleigh?”

“Lauren and Brad don’t get in until tomorrow and Ashleigh is out with some friends but she should be back in a bit.”

“Right.” Trixie is somewhat glad she is spared at least one evening of Lauren and her husband Brad, the most boring individual on the planet. She knows she’s probably being unfair but Lauren and her had not gotten on in a long time. Despite being five years younger Lauren had always made a point of letting Trixie know her dreams were unrealistic und music wasn’t a viable career option. Trixie has to admit it takes guts to stick to that opinion when she was very much living all her dreams and making a ridiculous amount of money with it, supporting their entire family. 

Trixie feels like Lauren had completely given up on her when she ended her stage career and bought a house in the woods. Lauren had turned thirty earlier in the year and had apparently thrown a huge party. Trixie hadn’t been invited. Not that she would have gone, anyway. Trixie knows it never really was about the music, Lauren is just very traditional.

Ashleigh on the other hand had embraced having a sister with a successful music career as soon as she was old enough to understand it. Trixie knows that at school she used to fully capitalize on Trixie’s fame and was extremely popular because of it. Trixie publicly coming out and ending her career probably hurt her more than it hurt Trixie, but she never blamed her older sister for that. Fittingly enough she finished her marketing degree a few months ago, but had moved back home and started a retail job. Trixie can't imagine her being too happy with that.

As if she knew they were talking about her Trixie can hear the front door unlock and then Ashleigh calls out, “Mom?”

“We’re in the kitchen!”

Her sister appears in the door, still in her coat and a pair of heavy boots that make Trixie think of Katya. Ashleigh grins, spreads her arms and Trixie gets up to hug her tightly.

Afterwards she holds Trixie at arms length, taking in her entire unimpressive appearance. “Wow, you look terrible!” she says still with a grin and Trixie laughs.

________

 

As Trixie had expected the welcome Lauren and her exchange the next day is far less warm. They give each other an awkward half hug and then Lauren is already talking to their mom about traffic being a nightmare (what a surprise on Christmas Eve) and how busy she’s been and how Brad and her haven’t had a minute to themselves for weeks and how relaxing the holidays are going to be. Trixie doesn’t get involved and instead disappears into the kitchen to finish peeling the potatoes her mom had left there when the car had pulled up in the driveway. 

Through the open door she can hear Josh trying to start a conversation about football with Brad, who has never been a very talkative guy, at least around Trixie. Maybe that’s why him and Lauren work so well. Opposites and all that.

Ashleigh seems to be as bored by the conversations in the living room as Trixie because she joins Trixie is the kitchen. She grabs a glass from the cupboard, fills it with tap water and watches Trixie work while slowly sipping her water, leaning against the counter.

“You could help, you know.”

“You look like you have everything under control.”

“Right,” Trixie says with a raised eyebrow but she doesn’t mind.

In the end Ashleigh does help her get dinner ready, but only so they can force their mom to sit down and take a break

“Who’d have thought that you’d know how to prepare food, Trixie? Don’t you only live off kale smoothies in California?” Lauren jokes and Trixie answers with a tight smile.

Trixie has just finished shovelling grilled vegetables onto her plate when Lauren folds her hands in her lap

“So,” she starts and Josh immediately goes, “ Lauren. Leave it,” without knowing what she’s going to say. She just raises her chin a little higher. “You really are, then.” It doesn’t seem to be a question, more of a challenge.

The fork with a piece of parsnip on it stops halfway to Trixie’s mouth and she furrows her brows.

“I’m what?” Then the penny drops. “Oh, gay.” She snorts. “Yeah, definitely.” Trixie keeps eating, gaze fixed on her own plate and deliberately not looking at the reactions around the table, but she can hear Ashleigh stifle a laugh.

To her family that wasn’t even really news five years ago when it made the literal news. Trixie doesn’t understand why Lauren had to bring that up now. They had never really talked about it, but It never had seemed to bother anyone, at least not more than everything Trixie did seemed to bother Lauren. Whatever answer Lauren had expected it had apparently not been this because for the first time since arriving she is eerily quiet. 

“What? Are you not going to lecture me about my unnatural lifestyle or whatever?”

That rouses her out of her state of shock and Lauren sits up even straighter. “I’m not a  _ homophobe _ , Trixie.” She sounds offended.

“Could’ve fooled me.” Trixie pops a piece of potato into her mouth. She feels a little bad when across the table her mom sighs unhappily, but she isn’t the one who started this.

“I have no problem with you being a lesbian.” Lauren says it like it’s the first time that word leaves her lips and it probably is. “You can do whatever you like, it’s none of my business.”

“It isn’t. But you’re the one who brought it up, I didn’t.” Finally their eyes meet and they stare each other down. In the end Lauren sniffs and picks up her fork. 

“No, you certainly didn’t,” she says pointedly, but what that’s supposed to mean Trixie has no idea.

________

 

Later that night Trixie lies awake on an air mattress in Ashleigh’s room, listening to her sister’s even breathing, and finally accepts sleep isn’t coming to her anytime soon. She pulls on a pair of socks and a knitted cardigan over her nightgown and decides to go make herself a hot chocolate. The rest of the house is quiet and dark and when making her way down the stairs she tries to avoid the steps that always creak. 

The hallway is illuminated by the warm glow from the electric lights on the Christmas tree, shining through the glass of the living room door. On the couch she can see Josh’s sleeping form under a pile of blankets. Luckily the kitchen has a second door from the hallway so she doesn’t have to worry about waking him. When she approaches it she steps into a sliver of light coming through from underneath the door. 

“Oh,” she says quietly when she opens it and finds Lauren sitting at the kitchen table, a mug in front of her. Trixie had assumed it would be her mom, who had always struggled with insomnia and thought Lauren was sleeping soundly next to Brad on the pull-out couch in their dad’s old study.

For a moment Trixie hovers in the door, unsure whether or not to come in, then Lauren breaks the silence.

“Do you want one too?” She points at the the mug and Trixie notices the rich smell of chocolate in the air. Apparently they had the same idea. When she nods Lauren gets up, grabs milk from the fridge, pours a cup and puts it in the microwave to heat up. Trixie sits down and for a minute only the sound of the microwave fills the room. Before it can beep Lauren opens the door and stirs cocoa powder into it. Trixie quietly thanks her as she sets the mug down in front of her and then sits back down. It’s still too hot to drink but Trixie takes a sip anyway, because she doesn’t know what else to do.

Trixie can see Lauren’s jaw clench, something she knows she does herself, and braces herself for whatever is going to come out of her mouth next. The softness of Lauren’s voice takes her by surprise.

“I’m very sorry if I made you think I have a problem with you being gay. I really don't mind. It's just one more thing you chose to not share with us and that I have only heard you say in interviews. Those are things you should have been telling us, we’re your family.”

For a second Trixie sits there in stunned silence. Lauren had managed to, without knowing it, pinpoint the exact reason why she even agreed to come here

“I know.” Now it's Lauren who seems taken aback by her reply. “It's true that I haven't been sharing my life with you guys they way I should and the way I want to. And I’m trying to change that.” Trixie takes a deep breath. “That said, how I choose to come out and who I choose to come out to is my business and I'm not obligated to share that with anyone. It was never that I didn't want you guys to know, but there was never a good time to tell you. And believe me, coming out publicly the way I did wasn't great for me either.”

Lauren just nods and for a moment they sip their hot chocolates in silence.

“That makes sense.” Her fingers are grabbing the mug tightly and her voice is still quiet but strained when she explains, “But you left. You left us and I guess I could never make my peace with that.”

Trixie sits up straight. “What?”

“I don't think you know how much I idolized you as a kid and then you suddenly disappeared.” Trixie is used to hearing the resentment in her voice, but this is just sadness. “You know, when you first left and you were touring for months I would sometimes cry because I was afraid you left because you didn't want to be with us anymore and Mom would have to console me.” She draws in a shaky breath. “Dad always said we're not allowed to make you feel bad for leaving when you come back. But you never seemed like you felt bad when you came back, just like you couldn't wait to leave again. Like we weren't good enough for you anymore.”

Looking at her now Trixie has no trouble to remember the girl that would cling to her every time she packed her things for yet another tour.

“Lauren, I had no idea.” In all those years it has never occurred to Trixie that that's how she felt. When they were little they always got on so well and then Lauren had gotten colder and colder every time Trixie had come back home, always on the go, her manager telling her about the next thing she needed to do.

“It was never you, you know that, right? I missed you,  _ all  _ of you, so much, but what would I have ever accomplished in Milwaukee? Money was always so tight and suddenly I had a way to help, an opportunity to really make a difference. There was no way I wouldn't take it.” 

Trixie feels awkward bringing up money but she remembers how it was before, remembers only having the heating on in the living room in winter and going to bed in a thick sweater and with several pairs of socks on. She remembers the Goodwill clothes. She remembers her mom’s put-on cheeriness while pulling out the cans from the back of the cupboard, trying to make it into a meal for the whole family. Maybe Lauren was too young to understand all of that. But Trixie bets she remembers the first time she went to summer camp or the car she got for her 16th birthday, that may have been old, but it was  _ her own _ car and it was paid for with Trixie’s money. She keeps that to herself. She doesn’t want Lauren to feel guilty.

“Don’t act like you did it out of selflessness, you loved it.”

“Of course I did! What teenager wouldn’t?” Trixie voice gets louder and she takes a deep breath. She doesn’t want to wake anybody up. “Of course I loved it,” she repeats more quietly. “But I was working more than any child should, certainly more than was legally allowed. I was never alone, my manager knew about every step I took. And when I told him I didn’t want to do something he would guilt me into doing it anyway. I started throwing huge temper tantrums because saying no had no effect.” Lauren looks a little sheepish, and opens her mouth but Trixie carries on, her gaze fixed on the table. “I got dragged to so many parties and people were always trying to get me drunk or high and gross middle-aged men hit on me and groped me. And once I turned 18 it was like I was fair game.”

“Jesus, Trixie, did anything--”

She shakes her head vehemently. “Nothing bad ever happened. But that’s because I learned how to look out for myself. I only ever drank bottled water that I didn’t leave out of my sight.” She sighs and takes a sip of her hot chocolate. “I thought it was worth it. I thought if I wanted to make music those were things I had to put up with. I didn’t know that I didn’t have to blindly do anything my manager told me to and that he was exploiting me.”

“Why didn’t Mom and Dad do anything?” Lauren asks quietly, the shock obvious in her eyes.

“Because I never told them. I didn’t want them to worry.” For a moment neither of them says anything, Lauren obviously at a loss for words and Trixie suddenly feeling exhausted. 

“I don’t want you to think that my career was one traumatic experience after the other. But I was naive and I went through a lot of shit I shouldn’t have gone through and now know I didn’t have to. I don’t regret going into music, but it wasn’t as glamorous as you seem to think it was.”

It’s strange to lay it all out like that. Kim had figured bits and pieces out on her own, she knows the industry after all, and Trixie had mentioned a few things to Katya, but the only person she’s ever told all of this was Michelle when she first hired her. They’d had dinner at Michelle’s apartment and she had asked Trixie what she needed from her. That was a question Trixie couldn’t remember anyone ever asking her before and she’d had no idea how to answer it. Instead she had told Michelle all the things she used to have to do and didn’t want anymore. Michelle had reacted by getting angry, not at her but on her behalf, and letting her know she would always respect Trixie’s decisions. She had kept her word. 

“I’m not telling you all of this so you’ll feel bad for me and it doesn’t mean I handled things great in the last couple of years. I know I didn’t try hard enough. I’m just saying things aren’t that black and white and I never meant to hurt any of you.”

Lauren pushes her hair behind one ear and then crosses her arms in front of her body. It makes her look smaller, like she’s folding in on herself. 

“I didn’t know.”

“You couldn’t have, I didn’t want you to know.”

“Still, I shouldn’t have judged you so harshly when I had no idea what your life was like. I’m sorry.”

Trixie nods. “Thank you. And I’m sorry too, for being so distant.” They both drink their hot chocolate in silence. 

“Trixie?”

“Hm?”

“Are you happy now?”

Trixie blinks a couple of times. That’s not something she’s thought about in a long time. She considers it for a moment.

“I think I’m getting there.”

Lauren smiles a little, gets up and puts her empty mug in the sink. “It’s late, we should both get some sleep.” When she walks to the door she briefly puts her hand on Trixie’s shoulder and then she’s alone in the kitchen. Trixie looks into her mug. There’s cocoa powder sticking to the bottom of it and she swirls the milk around to get it to dissolve, with no success. 

She doesn’t know how or why it happens but suddenly she’s crying, while still holding the mug in one hand. Carefully she puts it down on the table and wipes her face with the sleeve of her cardigan, a weight pulling the material down. Through the pocket she can feel her phone and she pulls it out. She opens her last calls and hits ‘dial’ on the most recent one without thinking about it. It rings once, twice, and then she hears Katya’s voice.

“Hey babe, what’s up?” She doesn’t sound like she’d already been asleep and Trixie is relieved. She doesn’t answer, just sniffles a little. “Trixie? Are you okay?

“Yeah.” She swallows. “Yeah, I’m okay. I just had a talk with my sister and it’s all a bit much and I--” A new wave of tears coming doesn’t let her finish her sentence.

“Hey, breathe, you’re okay. You’re gonna be okay.” Trixie closes her eyes and focuses on Katya’s voice, her breathing slowing down. “That’s better,” Katya says. “Tell me what happened?”

Trixie wipes her face again. “So I told you Lauren and I don’t really get along and she made some comments over dinner and I got mad but just now she told me some things I had never thought about and I told her some stuff she didn’t know, I’ll tell you all about it when I’m back home. But now everything feels… not different, but like it can be different at some point. I dunno, I just haven’t really  _ talked _ to her in ages and it was a lot right now.” She sighs. “I just needed to hear your voice.”

“I could sing for you, do you want me to sing for you?”

Trixie laughs and quickly puts one hand over her mouth. “God, please don’t.” She knows Katya’s singing voice and while her girlfriend is blessed with many talents Trixie knows carrying a tune isn’t one of them. “So how are things with your family?”

“Well, I told them about you and my mom can’t wait to meet you. She also said some stuff about us being meant to be because I’ve been of fan of yours for so long, so you don’t have to win anyone over, Mom already loves you.”

“Oh wow.” Trixie doesn’t know how to feel about Katya telling her family about them. She’d have expected a rush of panic to come over her but it fails to appear.

“Oh!” Katya suddenly almost yells excitedly.

“What?”

“Merry Christmas!”

Trixie looks up at the clock on the wall. It’s almost 1 am on Christmas Day.

“Merry Christmas, Katya.”

________

 

When Trixie wakes up in the morning it’s to the distant sound of their old Christmas records playing downstairs. She’s alone in the room and when she opens the door the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafts up the stairs. She doesn’t bother getting dressed, instead puts the cardigan on again and joins her family downstairs. It’s not even 9 yet and she’s the last one to get up, everyone else is already sitting at the dining table and eating toast. Normally she’d have expected a pointed comment from Lauren, but all she gets is a couple of friendly  _ 'good morning’ _ s and her mom hands her a cup of coffee. 

A little later Ashleigh has had enough of all the family stuff and demands they open presents. With her baby sister sitting on the floor in front of the Christmas tree in her pyjamas - even if she's already 22 - Trixie thinks that this is what Christmas is supposed to be like. At the same time she is painfully aware that at her last family Christmas her dad had been there and she suddenly misses him fiercely. She’s about to quietly slip out into the hall when her mother lightly loops her arm around Trixie’s.

“I’m glad you’re here,” she says with a warm smile.

“Me too, Mom.”

Lauren has made all of them something in a pottery class and hands Trixie her bowl last. It’s wonky and in a charming puke-green color. 

“Oh wow, thanks, it’s hideous!” she says and her mother looks at her sharply.

“I know, I gave you the worst one on purpose,” Lauren replies casually and Trixie laughs. The exchange seems to surprise the rest of the family, even more so when Trixie gives Lauren the vintage 60s cookbook with absolutely inedible meals she fished out of one of the boxes in Jinkx’ shop. 

“You really think I’m the most boring 30-year-old white woman that’s ever lived, don’t you?”

Trixie shrugs. “Pretty much.” Lauren just hums and starts flipping through the book. Trixie catches her mother’s confused look and smiles at her in a way she hopes is reassuring. Trixie hasn’t got Brad anything because when he’s not in the same room as her she keeps forgetting that he exists, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Ashleigh is overjoyed with the vintage purse Trixie got her and Josh seems to be happy about the season’s pass for the local football team.

As soon as her mom opens the little box and sees the bee pendant one hand goes up to cover her mouth and she starts blinking rapidly.

“Oh my god, no Mom, you’re not allowed to cry!” Trixie wraps her arms around her shoulders from behind and her mom puts one hand on her arm.

“It’s beautiful. Thank you, Bee.”

They go on a long walk later and Trixie knows it’s a mild winter but the cold still almost knocks the breath out of her. There isn’t a lot of snow but she thinks Dolly would get a kick out of it anyway. Or maybe not, she doesn’t enjoy cold weather so she’s probably better off with Kim in San Francisco. She knows it gets horribly cold in Massachusetts too and wonders if Katya has snow. She pulls out her phone, fumbles a bit trying to unlock it with her gloves on, and takes a picture of the light dusting of snow over the fields. She texts it to Katya and almost immediately gets one back of a street covered in grey sludge, taken through a window.

**Trixie**

_ It’s so much nicer here, you should come here _

**Katya**

_ Maybe next year!!  _

Her stomach gives a flip at the thought and Trixie quickly stuff her phone back into her coat pocket, trying to suppress a smile. She catches Josh looking at her. 

“What?”

“Nothing!” he says quickly and speeds up his steps. 

________

 

At dinner the conversation turns to Lauren’s and Brad’s failed attempts at having children and while Trixie is sympathetic towards their troubles she also doesn’t understand why that needs to be discussed over dinner. Across the table Ashleigh rolls her eyes at Trixie and continues to dig into her food.

After a while the conversation turns to Josh, their mother clearly hoping to get some grandchildren out of him at some point, but when asked about a girlfriend he gets very evasive. Trixie supposes being openly gay saves her from that particular conversation and enjoys herself greatly until Josh turns to her and asks, “So, Trixie, who is Katya? Is she your girlfriend?”

Her smile disappears and she stares at him. “How do you…?”

“I heard you talking on the phone last night. So she is your girlfriend, then?”

Trixie looks at all the faces turned her way and sighs. “Yes, she’s my girlfriend.” Then she mouths  _ ‘asshole’ _ at Josh and he has the audacity to grin at her.

“Oh, Bee, that’s wonderful!” Next to her her mother reaches out and squeezes her arm.

“Wait, Katya? Like the Katya that interviewed you?” Ashleigh asks.

Trixie clears her throat. “Yes, exactly like that Katya.”

“Oh, that explains why you let her interview you.”

“No, it’s how we met actually. But you’re not the first to think so.”

Ashleigh nods. “I’ve looked up some of the other articles she’s written, she’s very cool! I also found some weird paintings when I googled her name and a yoga class a couple of years back? I guess that wasn’t her though.”

“No, it definitely was her,” Trixie says with a grin.

“Oh, she sounds like a character!” her mother chimes in and then asks, “Is she pretty?”

Before Trixie has a chance to say anything Ashleigh answers, “She is! Hang on.” She gets her phone out. “Trixie, what’s her last name? It’s something weird, I forgot.”

Trixie puts down her knife and fork forcefully. “Oh my god, you are not going to google pictures of my girlfriend!”

“Why, do you have a good one?”, her mother asks innocently but there’s a twinkle in her eye and a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

Trixie sighs dramatically. “Fine.” She gets her phone out of her pocket and starts going through her camera roll. She almost has as many pictures of Katya now as she has of Dolly and she has to scroll a bit to get to the one she wants. It’s a selfie she took of the both of them, Katya grinning into the camera with her head resting against Trixie’s shoulder and an arm thrown around her. She turns her phone around so her mom can see.

“Aw, she  _ is _ very pretty. You look so happy together.” 

After her phone makes it once around the entire table and everyone agrees that Katya is pretty Trixie says, “Okay, that’s it, none of you are allowed to talk about my girlfriend anymore!” But before she stuffs the phone back into her pocket she sends a quick message to Katya

**Trixie**

_ My family thinks you’re pretty _

She only checks it again hours later while getting ready for bed. 

**Katya**

_ Just pretty? _

**Trixie**

_ I think my sister also said you’re cool _

**Katya**

_ Yeah but just pretty? Not hot?? _

Trixie snorts around her toothbrush.

**Trixie**

_ If it makes you feel better I think you’re extremely fuckable _

**Katya**

_ Prove it ;) _

**Trixie**

_ Oh I plan to _

________

 

Two days later Katya picks her up at the airport and her arms closing around her feels much more like coming home than crossing the threshold of her house a few hours later. Trixie missed her. She’d spent the last four days being constantly surrounded by people and all she wants is to go spend time with Katya. They didn’t have much time to talk over the holidays and it’s ridiculous how much Trixie wants to tell her but she does. She talks about making up with Lauren and about worrying that Ashleigh is going to be stuck in that town forever and her mom calling her Bee again (“By the way, she gave me a jar of honey for you.”). She talks about how nice it was to share something with her family and how infuriating it is to spend more than 24 hours in their presence. She talks about wanting to do it all again the next year.

They spend the days between Christmas and the new year first at Trixie's place and when Katya has to go back to work they drive back to the city. Trixie spends one day exploring the city with Dolly but after that it gets boring all alone at Katya’s place during the day. 

She brought one of her guitars and has been writing new songs. She needs to finish up the film music but all that comes to her is soft folk, meant for her guitar. She decides to go with it, she's allowed to write things for herself, it's basically still the holidays and if she decides to spend her time off writing more music then she can.

Trixie had predicted boredom would set in rather sooner than later with Katya not there and she offered to do one shift at the community center. It’s the last one before the new year and still in a somewhat festive spirit Trixie decides on a whim to take her guitar. She also brings Dolly, who has always been good for breaking the ice with almost anyone. There’s only six kids there, the rest busy with their families. Evangeline is not there and neither is Tyler, the boy who showed her around, so there’s nobody there she really knows. 

But as she had expected Dolly is a big hit, except for one boy who retreats to the opposite corner of the room while the other five pet every available spot of the dog. Dolly is lying on her back with her limbs in the air, her tail drumming a fast rhythm on the floor. It’s probably the happiest Trixie has ever seen her and she leaves her there.

“Not a fan of dogs?” She leans against the wall next to the kid who has separated himself from the group.

“Not really. It’s, uh… big.”

“ _ She _ is. But she’s gonna stick with the people who want to give her belly rubs, she’s not gonna bother you, I promise.” He nods, looking unconvinced. “What’s your name?”

“Ryan.”

“Okay, Ryan, do you want to sing some Christmas carols?” She points at her guitar case.

He shrugs. “Not really, Christmas is over and I’m more of an art guy anyway.”

“Well, Mr. Grinch, I’m shit at art so music is what you’re getting.”

The others, it turns out, are more enthusiastic about singing, especially the girl who opened the variety show, Maddie. After a while they demand other music and Trixie is faced with six teenagers telling her all the songs she knows are ‘ _ old people music _ ’. They happily sing along to ABBA anyway. When Trixie locks up hours later Maddie yells “Bye, Trixie!” while taking off running so she’ll get to the bus stop on time. The others happily say their goodbyes as well. Trixie is going to make all of these kids like her, she tells Katya with determination later and Katya laughs.

“I’m sure you will.”

________

 

The second party Trixie has to attend this month is Violet’s New Year's Eve party. It’s probably not going to be a small casual affair like the Christmas party at Ginger’s had been and again Katya makes sure she knows she doesn’t have to go and that they could find something else to do, even spend the night on the couch, watching movies. But Trixie knows for a fact that Kim is also invited and she can’t wait to see her and Katya interact. 

They arrive late after Trixie had to redo half her face. This time her resolve to be on time and make a good impression had quickly melted away when Katya had pushed her against the front door when they were just about to leave and Trixie had let Katya pull her onto the couch. She did at least have the presence of mind to carefully lay her dress over the back of the sofa so it wouldn’t crease. 

The apartment is small, cramped with too many people and only lit by fairy lights and candles, which Trixie is sure is a complete safety hazard. They find Kim in a corner by herself, nursing a beer. She takes one look at Trixie’s ruined hair and rolls her eyes. 

“Hey, Katya. Punctuality is Trixie’s one redeeming quality and you’re ruining it,” she says. Katya just grins and squeezes her hand while Trixie slaps Kim’s arm. 

“I’m a delight and you’re very lucky I put up with you, you miserable bitch.” She has to almost shout over the harsh electronic music filling the apartment and thinks she’s getting too old for nights like this. Ginger says the exact same thing when she finds them a little while later. 

“Good news,” she then yells at Katya. “I’m going to take on another writer full time.”

“What?”

“I’m going to take on another writer full time!”, she repeats louder.

“No, I heard you! I meant, you can do that?”

Gingers nods towards Trixie. “Your girl put us on the map again so I can afford to hire somebody new. Her name is Sasha, she starts in two weeks. Her areas of expertise are art and society so she should take a lot of pressure off you.”

Katya stares at her for a moment, then she pulls Ginger in for a tight hug.

“Alright, that’s enough.” Ginger pats Katya’s back and she pulls back. 

“That’s the best Christmas present you could have made me!” Katya says with bright eyes and a big grin. “Time!”

Over the next hour Trixie finds herself drifting in and out of the conversation. She wants to be interesting and smart but it’s too loud and too hot and people keep bumping into her. Apparently having noticed her discomfort Katya suggests to the group to go outside and to the park across the street. 

While Ginger loudly exclaims, “Christ, yes please!” Trixie shoots Katya a grateful smile. On the way to the door they find an obviously tipsy and very giggly Alaska, who decides to join them. Adore they find on top of the pile of coats by the door, making out with a woman with enough makeup on to give Trixie a run for her money

“Oh, hey everyone, this is Bianca,” Adore says and looks up at them with a dopey smile. Bianca looks surprisingly collected for somebody who had another person’s tongue in their mouth mere seconds ago.

“Hi, Bianca! Do you guys want to come outside with us?” Katya asks after having helped both of them up and off the coats, so she can dig through the pile for her's and Trixie’s.

Adore seems to be happy with anything so their little group - now less little - gets wrapped up, everyone grabs their drinks and they make their way outside. As soon as the cold air hits Trixie’s face she feels like she can really breathe again, the music still a drumming bass in the background fading as they cross the street and settle on two benches under a streetlight.

Out of her bag Adore pulls a little wireless speaker, connects it to her phone and soon the tinny sound of some punk rock band Trixie doesn't know fills the air. Katya, apparently fueled by the fresh air, starts dancing, but her movements don't fit the song's tempo at all. Judging by the way she dances Katya has seen way too much performance art in her life. It's only slightly less fitting to the music than the slow dance Adore and Bianca are doing, entwined with each other and their mouths seemingly glued together.

“Gross,” Kim says next to her.

“Oh, let them, young love and all that.”

“No, I meant you and Katya staring at each other like that.”

“Like what?”

“Young love and all that.” For once Kim grins and then briefly leans against Trixie’s side. Trixie grins back. It’s not that she had needed Kim’s approval, but it’s still nice to have it.

A few minutes before midnight more people come down from the party to watch the fireworks and Katya finds her way to Trixie, her arms sliding around Trixie’s waist as if it’s where they were always meant to be.

“So, any resolutions for the new year?”

Trixie takes a deep breath. There’s one that’s been on her mind for months and then one she only decided on the day before.

“I want to be a better, nicer and less selfish person.”

Katya gives a surprised little laugh at that. “Trixie, since the day I met you you’ve been selflessly helping people. Helping Kim and helping us with the interview, volunteering to look after queer kids - you’re already doing so much!” Trixie’s never thought about it that way and looks at Katya skeptically. “I mean, you can be stubborn and a brat but you’re always -  _ always _ \- a good person, Trixie Mattel.” 

As she looks down into Katya’s eyes Trixie’s fill with tears and she blinks rapidly.

“God, you’re not allowed to make me cry! I almost forgot about the second resolution.” 

Katya carefully wipes away the tears that have made it down Trixie’s cheeks. “Yeah? What’s that?”

“I’m gonna make a new album.” 

Katya’s face lights up as she says the words. “Seriously?”

Trixie nods. “I’ve been writing so many new songs lately and they’re not for anyone else to sing so I will. I’m not going on tour or anything, but I want to record a new album.”

“That’s wonderful!” Katya buries her face in the fuzzy collar of Trixie’s coat. 

“What about you?”

“I dunno, maybe stop smoking? Oh, I know! Now that I’m going to have all that free time I’m going to make art! I don’t know what kind of art but I’ll figure it out. I haven’t painted in ages, or maybe sculpture, I always wanted to try that. Maybe I’ll find somebody I can do it with, that would be fun.”

An idea hits Trixie and she’s surprised it took her this long. “At the youth center one of the old volunteers used to make art with the kids and now they don’t have anybody for that anymore and they’re still looking for volunteers.”

Katya looks excited at the prospect, but then bites down on her lip. “Are you sure you wouldn’t mind? The youth center is your thing and I don’t want to infringe on that.”

“Oh my god, of course I wouldn’t mind! You’d be perfect for that!”

Katya grins. “It does sound very fun and I’d love to make weird gay art with queer kids.”

“Good. I’ll ask Dela about it the next time I’m there.”

Somewhere on a phone a video with a countdown starts playing and people around them pair up or gather in small groups, but Trixie and Katya have already found each other.

For the first time in her life Trixie gets kissed at midnight on New Year’s Eve. Maybe it was the universe telling her to hold out until Katya was there. She doesn’t really believe in fate, but she has Katya in her life now and it’s hard to argue with the facts. She is vaguely aware of fireworks going off in the distance as they continue to kiss while everyone around them is celebrating. It’s going to be a good year.


	8. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie had wanted to wait for the right moment. She had wanted it to be romantic and perfect and memorable. It was, in the end, with them leaned against each other on the couch, Trixie with her hair unwashed and Katya wearing mismatched socks. More than anything else loving Katya is comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are then , it's time to say goodbye but first here's an epilogue that's longer than any of the other chapters and that I hope brings this story to a conclusion you're all going to be happy with. Thanks for the comments, kudos and the nice messages on tumblr ([@connyhascontrol](http://connyhascontrol.tumblr.com/)), they really mean so much to me and I would love it if you came to talk to me about this! Also this isn't proofread because I have no patience and really wanted to post this, whoops.
> 
> Thanks as to [Naty](https://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) for letting me yell at her about how weird it is to finish this for the past two weeks. 
> 
> I'm just gonna leave the playlist I made for this fic [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/badwolfonbakerstreet/playlist/3Bn4mftnPrLA5uMwtDz6fe?si=50euDA0ARuaPfce8JrgSVA) again.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this, thank you so much for reading!!

When they unlock the front door Dolly raises her head and half-heartedly wags her tail before going right back to sleep. Trixie can't blame her, it has to be around 4 am by now. She trusts Katya to close the door behind her and without even bothering to turn on the light waddles down the hallway - careful to not let her burning thighs touch -, into the living room and unceremoniously let's herself drop down onto the couch.

A loud clattering sound tells her Katya has dropped her heels on the hardwood floor and then she hears her gently set down Trixie's guitar case. Trixie closes her eyes and lets her head sink back. She can hear Katya walking down the hallway, then she turns on a light and opens a cabinet. Trixie smiles as Katya makes her way back, but she only opens her eyes when she turns on the floor lamp they have next to the couch. The room is bathed in warm golden light, the large windows looking out into the pitch-black garden reflecting the scene before her.

Katya gets on her knees in front of her, pushes her dress up a little and Trixie scoots her butt closer to the edge of the cushions. She hisses as Katya’s careful fingers touch the angry red stripes on the inside of her thighs, applying a generous coat of the soothing cream Trixie keeps in the bathroom for this exact purpose. Immediately the pain subsides and Trixie sighs. She combs her hand through Katya’s hair, who is carelessly wiping the her hand on Trixie’s thigh.

“You take such good care of me,” Trixie murmurs.

“Someone’s gotta do it,” she replies with a grin and squeezes Trixie’s knee. “Didn’t you put deodorant on your thighs so you wouldn’t get chub rub?”

“I did, but I sweat it all off. I forgot how hot it gets on stage.”

“You certainly looked hot.” Katya’s face becomes a grimace with how exaggerated she winks and Trixie can’t help but giggle. “How do you feel?” Katya sits back on her heels and smiles up at Trixie. It’s the most unflattering angle she could see her from, but Trixie doesn’t worry about her double chin. Not now, never with Katya.

“Exhausted. Happy. Buzzed.” She hadn't kept track of the number of glasses of champagne she had, certainly more than she’s had in years, but the feeling of all her nerve endings sizzling doesn’t come from that. “And a bit horny,” she finishes with a lazy grin. Katya returns it, gets back on her knees and with her hands on the sofa pushes herself up so their faces are level.

“You were incredible.” She kisses Trixie gently.

Trixie doesn’t know if she agrees. It was her first concert in about 7 years and she has a lot of feelings about that, but hasn’t had the time yet to sort through them. Trixie had never suffered from stage-fright, just a healthy dose of nerves. If you don’t get nervous then you don’t care, she has always said and she still believes it. But this time she had held Katya’s hand in a vice-like grip until she had to go on stage. Then again she’d never had Katya to hold her hand before.

Once she was at the microphone, the audience disappearing behind the lights, all the stress had fallen off her and it had just been the joy and exhilaration of performing and making music with others who love it, for people who love it and for herself. Tonight was especially rewarding because she only did it to raise money for charity, half of it for the Trevor project and the other half directly for the youth center. They sold out all tickets and almost reached twice the amount they had been going for because people kept donating once all the tickets were gone. Trixie had happily celebrated their success at the afterparty with Jinkx, Dela and some of the older kids. Now in the quiet of their home the giddiness has faded and what remains is a deep feeling of satisfaction.

“Tell me a secret,” she mumbles against Katya's lips between kisses.

Katya smiles slowly and softly.

“I love you.”

Trixie can't help the grin spreading on her face, even as she says, “I already know that. You're bad at this.” She kisses Katya again. “Tell me another one.”

She indulges her. “Seeing you on stage made me feel like a teenager again and reminded me why I was so smitten with you all those years back. You were absolutely radiant and every person in that room was at least a little bit in love with you.” Trixie rolls her eyes at that but Katya keeps going. “What reminded me that I’m not a teenager anymore was the thought that at the end of the night I would be the one to drive you home, to _our_ house, and that I would wake up next to you tomorrow morning in _our_ bed. I am so fucking lucky to be sharing your life and to have you share mine.”

Trixie swallows hard. Talking about her feelings doesn't come naturally to her and every time Katya does it, without hesitation or embarrassment, she's a little more in awe of her.

“Wow, that's gay,” she says, trying to put on a flat voice, but not quite managing. Katya smiles. She knows Trixie gets overwhelmed by her own feelings as well as Katya's and doesn't know how to express any of it. Katya never pushes her.

She kisses Trixie again. “Your turn.”

Trixie hums, languidly stretches and arcs her spine so she is pressed to Katya's front. Katya puts one hand at her back to hold her there.

“When I got off stage I wanted to drag you to the dressing room and have my way with you.”

Something sharp and carnal flickers in Katya's eyes. Trixie is well acquainted with that look and she can feel the anticipation coiling tightly in her core.

“Really? And what would that have included?”

“You pressing me against the wall, pushing my panties to the side and fingering me fast and hard.” Trixie's hand slides down Katya's back and settles on her ass.

Katya bites down on the juncture between Trixie's neck and shoulder. Her breath is hot against Trixie's ear. “That sounds a lot like _me_ having my way with _you_ , actually.”

“Same thing,” Trixie gasps as Katya's hand slides higher and higher on her thigh, fingertips gentle and avoiding the red skin where she is sore. She brushes her knuckles over where Trixie is sure a wet spot has started to form.

“Well, it's your night. Who am I to deny you?” But instead of following through with the scene Trixie has described Katya sinks down onto her knees again and lightly taps Trixie's hip, letting her know to lift it so Katya can pull her underwear off. Once she does Trixie can feel how wet she is and when Katya strokes over her folds her fingers come back glistening. She leans forward and repeats the movement with her tongue, Trixie's mouth falling open at the sensation.

Despite saying she wasn't going to deny Trixie Katya takes her time, her tongue never staying in one spot, constantly changing the speed and never giving her clit enough attention that Trixie could actually come from it. Usually Trixie would whine and in vain try to push her where she needs Katya, but tonight she revels in the sensation and lets Katya go at the pace she wants to. A deep sigh draws itself out of her when Katya starts rubbing circles on her clit and licks into her and Trixie can feel the pressure building inside her. As she starts getting close Katya stops and raises her head.

“I can either finish you off like this or we can take this to the bedroom and I can really fuck you. Your choice.”

“Or you could fuck me here,” Trixie suggests, not in the mood to get up, but her body having clearly let her know what option it preferred when Katya had said it.

“Hm, I guess I could do that.” Katya kisses her deeply as she gets up. “Don't have too much fun while I’m gone,” she says and disappears from the room.

Lazily Trixie starts rubbing over her pussy and then dips two fingers into herself, moving them in and out slowly, sighing gently. That's how Katya finds her and gives her a fake disapproving look. Katya has stripped off her simple black jumpsuit and her bra, but has already donned their strap-on on top of her black panties, the matte, smooth silicone matching in color.

“I was just making sure I’m wet enough.”

“Yeah, because that's a problem you’ve ever had,” Katya says with a smirk, grabs Trixie’s thighs and pulls so she's laying on the couch sideways. At the same time they both grab a pillow, Trixie putting it beneath her head and Katya stuffing it underneath her hips, lifting her up a little. With one knee on the sofa and the other foot planted firmly on the floor Katya pushes her dress up again and then rubs the tip of the dildo over Trixie's entrance. She starts slowly sliding it in and Trixie bites down on her bottom lip at the feeling of being filled more and more.

“Why do you always get what you want?” Katya asks when it’s as deep inside of Trixie as it's going to go and holds it there, letting Trixie adjust to the feeling. Then just as slowly as she slid in she moves her hips backwards again.

“Because you love giving me what I--” Katya suddenly snaps her hips forward, filling her again in one swift stroke, and Trixie gasps before finishing her sentence, “-- want.”

“I sure do.”

While Katya starts a fast pace Trixie slides one hand up to her breast and pinches the nipple. Katya's hips stutter, she loses her rhythm and Trixie grins. As much as Katya likes to play with Trixie's tits it doesn't do all that much for her. Katya on the other hand can come just from having her breasts touched. When Trixie had suggested they try that Katya had told her she had tried before and it didn't work. Trixie proved her wrong.

Now Trixie doesn't have the concentration to do that and just holds her legs up while Katya rolls her hips into her over and over with a pace Trixie knows she couldn't keep up. Katya leans down kissing and gently biting at the cleavage Trixie's dress leaves exposed.

“Is this okay?” she pants. She knows it is, she just wants to hear Trixie say it.

“God, yes,” Trixie replies, dragging out the s.

If she turned her head she knows she could see the reflection of them in the window, Katya above her with taut muscles, and it's tempting but she can't take her eyes off Katya's face. There's a drop of sweat running down her temple and Trixie's eyes follow it first to her jaw, then down her neck and finally disappearing into the shallow valley between her breasts before her eyes snap back up and meet Katya's gaze.

To speed things up Trixie reaches down and firmly rubs against her clit, the sight of which makes Katya groan. In the end Trixie loses any and all precision she had as Katya angles her hips just right and her orgasm crashes over her. Just as she starts to come down Katya barely manages to pull out of her before dropping down exhausted on top of Trixie, who is still in her bunched up dress.

With well practiced movements Trixie opens the buckles on her hips while Katya catches her breath, her head on Trixie’s chest, pulls the strap-on out from between them and pushes it to the other end of the couch. Then Trixie wraps her arms around Katya, fingers gently stroking up and down her naked back.

“What about you?”

Katya presses her lips to the underside of Trixie’s jaw.

“You’ll just have to owe me.”

If they actually tallied it up Trixie probably owed Katya a lot, but not for lack of trying. Katya just seemed perfectly content to take care of Trixie some days and she was not going to put up a fight about that. She lightly slaps Katya’s butt.

“C’mon, bathroom and then bed, it’s late.”

Together they shuffle to the bathroom, Katya wearing only underwear and Trixie wearing everything but underwear.

________

 

They've known each other for not quite two years now and they have lived together for half of that period. Trixie kept spending more and more time at the center and staying with Katya over night in her tiny apartment because the drive home was too long. But she missed having space for herself and for Dolly. Katya usually would come stay with her over the weekend when they both had time and there was a peace to those days a cramped city apartment could never give her. So finding a place that would be right for both of them was just a matter of time.

Trixie loves their house. It’s only a half hour drive into the city, but they’re still surrounded by a lush garden, a part of which the previous owners had tended to carefully for thirty years and beyond that a meadow that in the summer is covered in wildflowers. In the time they’ve lived there the garden has become overgrown because neither of them knows anything about plants or has any interest in actually gardening, but they love all the things that grow there wild. When they had looked at the house for the first time it was May, the meadow had been a sea of daisies and they had both fallen in love with it. They had moved in three months later, enjoying the last days of summer by their new pool, boxes still covering every surface inside.

This summer Trixie had woken up most days to an empty bed, wandered first into the kitchen to make coffee and then with two mugs had leaned in the open glass door leading out onto the veranda, watching Katya in the distance do her early morning yoga between tall grass and flowers, the sun reflecting off her skin shiny with sweat. It would never take her long to finish up at that point and she’d greet Trixie with a kiss, silently accept the coffee in her mug and they’d enjoy it quietly, sitting down right there on the step, their sides pressed together.

The house itself is smaller than Trixie’s old place, the rooms a lot less spacious, but still big enough to fit Trixie’s furniture and Katya’s books and all the weird decorations for it they picked out together, a lot of it from Jinkx’ shop. There had been one month when Trixie’s house was already sold and they had a little studio put into the new on and the bathrooms remodeled. Katya had said it was unnecessary, they were fine as they were, but she didn’t complain about them being a lot nicer afterwards. They had lived in Katya’s tiny apartment, which was absolutely not meant for two adults and a very large dog, but even then Trixie hadn't wanted to kill Katya once and she'd known buying a house together was the right thing to do.

It’s theirs. Technically it’s Trixie’s for about 85 percent because the magazine is doing well but being a gay woman writing about gay women still doesn’t rake in the big bucks and buying a house in the San Francisco area is extremely pricey. But anyone who enters immediately knows it’s _theirs_. Trixie hadn’t expected their different styles to mix so well but they blend together perfectly, much like they do. They have fit their lives together seamlessly.

One of the things Trixie hadn’t been able to convince Katya to throw out when they moved was Meredith, the old photograph of the creepy little girl, which true to Katya’s word had been hanging in her bathroom and Trixie had only put up a minimal fight about it because it had been _Katya’s_ bathroom. Trixie had definitely not wanted her in their new shared home, but Katya had kept smuggling her into random boxes every time Trixie would throw her out.

“Katya, what is Meredith doing in the kitchen ware when I put her in the trash two hours ago?”

“I told you she really wants to come! Why won’t you love our daughter?”

At that point Trixie had groaned and given up. Meredith had won. In the new house Katya has made it a game to move her to places where Trixie doesn’t expect her and scare the everloving shit out of her. In her underwear drawer, between her records, in the fridge, taped to the ceiling above their bed. The effect had worn off a little, but Trixie was curious what hiding places Katya would come up with next.

The have a lot of pictures up, most of them taken by Katya and quite a few of the two of them. Trixie’s favourite one they put on the fridge with magnets and it’s not one of Katya’s. It’s the first paparazzi shot of them together that got published and they had both decided they looked so good in it they had to keep it. Also the headline accompanying the picture was ' _Trixie Mattel steps out with close friend_ ’.

“They gal-pald us. They fucking _gal-pald_ us!” Katya had screeched and printed out the headline and the picture.

In it they’re walking down a sidewalk hand in hand, Katya holding Dolly’s leash because Trixie needed her other hand for the large iced coffee she was drinking. Katya is wearing Trixie’s heart-shaped sunglasses and Trixie is sporting a shirt that Katya made for her, saying ‘Lesbian Icon’ in fancy cursive letters. Katya wears her stupid jelly sandals that Trixie makes fun of every chance she gets but secretly loves. She knows that Katya knows that, but they both pretend she doesn’t.

It's not visible in the photo but on the back of Katya's arm is her very first tattoo, only a few days old and itching terribly. After getting it Katya would spend ages in front of the mirror, twisting around, trying to get a good look at it and repeating “I love it!” over and over again. Over the next couple of months her skin had become a fascinating artwork, first with tattoos only on her arms, and then her legs, back and torso.

Trixie’s favourite tattoo is the bee Katya has on her clavicle. When they’re cuddled up in bed and Trixie has her head on Katya's shoulder it's where she kisses her softly, where her lips land without her having to move. The bee on Katya's skin is a permanent kiss from Trixie. That fact remains unspoken between them because living together is one thing, but putting an inerasable sign of someone's affection on your body is quite another. That doesn't mean Trixie doesn't appreciate the sentiment behind it.

She knows Katya. She knows how to make her laugh until there's no sound coming out of her and her limbs are flailing. She recognizes the specific look of guilt on her face before she's close enough to smell the cigarettes when Katya's promised her to stop smoking just this morning, for the third time this month. Not that Trixie has ever asked her to. She knows the lines that appear on Katya’s face when she’s worried or stressed and she knows what songs to sing and pluck out on her guitar to smooth them out, at least for now. She knows how to make Katya look at her with soft eyes and how to touch Katya gently to let her know she's loved. She knows how to touch her roughly to let her know she's loved. She knows how the angular contours of her body fit perfectly against her own soft curves and how her hand fits perfectly into Trixie’s.

She also knows how to push all of Katya’s buttons when she's in a mood and that Katya will realize what she's doing every time and refuse to pick a fight with her. It only riles Trixie up more and she will say things she’ll regret as soon as they’re past her lips in a sharp tone that makes Katya's jaw clench and her hands ball up into fists. At that point Trixie never knows if she does it because she wants to fight or because she knows she's going to end the night being pushed between Katya’s thighs and held in place until Katya is overstimulated and can't take it anymore. Once she blindly bats at Trixie’s face with shaky fingers she’ll crawl up Katya's body and murmur apologies against her lips. And Katya will smirk because she knows Trixie just as well as Trixie knows her.

But Katya still surprises her, too. The first time she witnessed her having a cold she didn't know whether to laugh, roll her eyes or feel bad for the tiny woman living in a blanket cocoon and communicating mostly through pained moans. In the end Trixie had called upon all the remedies she’s ever used as a singer and then stroked Katya's hair a lot while she had her head in Trixie's lap, sniffling pitifully.

The first time she’d told Trixie she loves her certainly had been a surprise. It had been a grey Sunday afternoon in February, they had been lying on Trixie’s couch in sweatpants, watching a Netflix documentary about architecture, Trixie dozing off a couple of times with her head on Katya’s shoulder and Katya lazily drawing circles on Trixie’s arm with her fingertips.

“Tell me a secret,” Trixie had murmured with closed eyes, expecting maybe a childhood story or a fun fact about some historical figure who had probably been a lesbian, but Katya had just said it.

“I love you.”

Like it was easy. Trixie’s eyes had snapped open, searching Katya’s and all she had found in them was warmth and certainty. At a loss for words Trixie had just cupped her face with one hand and they had gone back to watching their documentary.

The thought had been on Trixie’s mind a lot, since that moment on New Year’s Eve when Kim had echoed her own words back to her: “Young love and all that.” She cared about Katya more than she’d cared about anyone in a long time, but did she love her? All through January Katya would catch her staring at her, asking herself that question.

“What?”, she’d ask with curiosity and Trixie would just shake her head, both as a reply and to get that question out of her head.

And then Katya had cooked for her one night, spaghetti with tomato sauce and absolutely no seasoning. Trixie had taken one bite and smiled brightly. It was awful and she loved it. She loved _her_. It was easy to think it afterwards.

“I think the kids are starting to warm up to me.”

“Oh please, they already like you more than me.” _I love you._

“You know what, I don’t really care for beets.”

“Me neither.” _I love you._

“The blood stain didn’t come out of my pyjama pants in the wash.”

“Good, they’re hideous, you can finally throw them out then.” _I love you._

“Huh. No idea how I got that bruise.”

“How do you always do that?” _I love you._

But she hadn’t said it. Trixie had wanted to wait for the right moment. She had wanted it to be romantic and perfect and memorable. It was, in the end, with them leaned against each other on the couch, Trixie with her hair unwashed and Katya wearing mismatched socks. More than anything else loving Katya is comfort. 

Trixie had said it back the next morning when she set down a coffee for Katya in the black mug painted with daisies on the bedside table while she was packing up her stuff and probably getting to the office late, as she did most Mondays. Katya had carelessly dropped the shirt she was folding and captured Trixie’s hand before she could leave the room again, pulling her close and kissing her long and deep. She had been particularly late that Monday.

In the time they’ve been together they’ve had exactly one real fight and it was over something so stupid that they haven’t told anybody about it. It had started with Katya forgetting to buy the vegetables for dinner Trixie had asked her to buy on her way home, even though she had stopped at the supermarket. Trixie, with the deadline of a project fast approaching and barely any material to show, had been unimpressed, but then Katya had made an off-hand remark that it didn’t matter and that they could just eat something else. At that point Trixie with her jaw clenched had turned around without another word and gone back to her studio to work, firmly closing the door behind her.

Katya had knocked tentatively an hour later, letting Trixie know she was sorry and that she made dinner. As Trixie had predicted dinner turned out to be spaghetti, except Katya had spiced it up by cutting up hot dogs into the sauce. Trixie had taken one look at the large pan with noodles, sauce and hot dogs in it and then dug a pack of crackers out of the cupboard, going back to work again, while Katya realized her mistake and quietly went, “Oh.”

They didn’t even have hot dogs and then it dawned on Trixie that instead of the vegetables she asked for Katya had bought sausages and then served them to her vegetarian girlfriend.

When she had finally come out of her studio late that night the light was still on in the living room but Trixie had gone straight to bed. There she had lain awake, waiting for Katya to finally come in so she could turn her back to her and ignore her. But Katya hadn’t come in. At around 2 am Trixie had given up and padded out to the living room, where Katya was lying on the couch in the dark, also still awake. Without a word she had lifted the blanket covering her and Trixie had squeezed herself next to her in a space that was clearly not meant for two adults to be sleeping on.

Immediately Katya had started to apologize. “I’m so sorry, Trix, I know you work hard and you still cook for us every day and you never complain about it and I can’t even buy some fucking bell peppers when you ask me to.”

Trixie had kissed her.

“Babe, that’s alright, I know you have a lot on your mind with work! It’s one dinner, it doesn’t matter.”

“But I forgot you don’t eat meat! How could I forget that?”

“I know you didn’t mean anything by it and you were just trying to do something nice. I overreacted and I’m sorry!”

They had fallen asleep like that and woken up the next morning with aching backs, feeling pretty stupid.

“We have a perfectly good guestroom, why didn’t you go there?” Trixie had asked while stretching.

“I don’t know, this seemed more fitting.”

“God, we’re such losers,” Trixie had murmured and then they’d started laughing.

They are losers, the both of them, officially. For the interview Katya had done with her she had been nominated for a GLAAD Media Award for Outstanding Magazine Article and had lost, but Trixie got to go to the awards ceremony with her as her arm candy and greatly enjoyed that, not answering a single question about herself and instead just gushing about her amazingly talented girlfriend. It had been Katya’s first ever red carpet event and Trixie’s first one after ending her stage career and they had both been excited and terrified. It all worked out surprisingly well because they could hold hands all night and use the other one to direct attention away from themselves.

Trixie had also taken Katya as her official date to the premier of the Disney movie she wrote music for. What had gotten both of them through that was the knowledge that the homophobes were going to have an aneurysm, seeing two gay ladies with their arms around each other at the premier of a children’s movie.

Even if it made her entitled and a narcissist Trixie had sort of expected, certainly hoped for, an Oscar nomination for the original music she had written for it. It wouldn’t be the first Disney movie to receive that honor and she had been really proud of the work she did. The nomination did not come and she tried to keep the moping to a minimum, but apparently not minimal enough.

“Oh Lord, will you finally shut up about that?” Ginger had snapped one day. “You know who also doesn’t have an Oscar? Every single person I know.” Trixie had felt dumb and let it go afterwards.

Her new album _One Stone_ had been received pretty well. It had been weird to put a new album out with her name on the cover but it had been, first and foremost, a project for herself. Trixie was proud of the songs she had written and having a professionally produced studio recording was nice to have for herself. That other people bought it and loved it was just the cherry on top. Katya had been so excited to see it do well, though, and Trixie is sure not even her mom is a bigger fan of her than Katya. For weeks it was the only music that was playing in their house. It got to the point where Trixie got sick of it, but she let Katya carry on anyway. She knows how blessed she is to have a partner who enthusiastically loves what she does and supports her that fiercely.

Nothing is ever going to beat the look on Katya’s face when Trixie played Soldier for her, the song she wrote that first Thanksgiving they spent together, that was very clearly about Katya, but also about herself. While she’s been playing she had avoided looking at Katya. Trixie couldn’t bear seeing her reaction, whatever it might be, while she still had to get the words right. She had finally put her hand over the strings to end the last chord and raised her head to look at Katya.

She had been sitting opposite Trixie, her arms uselessly hanging at her sides and tears had been running down her face. She didn’t try to hide them or wipe them away, she just let herself cry. Her eyes had looked almost silver and Trixie is never going to forget it. As if waking from a trance Katya had slowly shaken her head.

“You’re incredible.” Her voice hadn’t quite wanted to leave her mouth and she’d repeated a little bit louder, “Incredible.”

“I’m glad you like it.” Trixie had reached out and carefully wiped her cheeks. Katya had laughed incredulously and caught Trixie’s hand in her own.

“Like it? It’s the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me” She had pressed Trixie’s hand to her face and closed her eyes, just holding her there, and Trixie had let her for how ever long she wanted.

_______

 

Not all days are good days. Katya remains sober, they've celebrated four years and then five and sometimes, she's told Trixie, she doesn't have to think about it at all. On other days she hardly thinks of anything else. Trixie knows to worry when Katya gets quiet, when she doesn't laugh at Trixie's jokes, when she doesn't have an opinion on whatever Trixie's cooked or the music she’s put on. It's not that her mind is occupied with something else, it almost always is. There is an intensity to her absent-mindedness that shows how much she is holding something back or maybe herself together.

Most of the time she’ll tire herself out on the treadmill, put all the energy she has into making her body move. Sometimes she sits down on the loveseat in Trixie's studio, her legs hugged to her chest and knees tucked underneath her chin. She'll listen to Trixie tinker with a melody or figure out some lyrics, singing under her breath, pencil scratching on the paper of her notebook. In the days after that she’ll search out a meeting or a few and that always seems to help. Afterwards she is still more introverted than usual, but she reaches out to Trixie again.

There had been one day so far that had genuinely scared Trixie, at the beginning of last winter. Katya had been too restless to sit with her or to do yoga so she had gone on the treadmill and stayed there for hours until her body had given out underneath her. Trixie had helped her to the bathroom and into the tub, had made sure she drank lots of water and ate something and still all Katya had done was sit there in the cooling water, staring into nothingness, not even looking at Trixie.

At that point Trixie had called Ginger, who had come as quickly as she could. She had closed the bathroom door on Ginger sitting down on the floor and leaning her back against the tub. After about an hour, that Trixie had spent on the sofa waiting, unable to concentrate on anything else, and listening to their quiet voices that were barely audible across the hall, Ginger had opened the door and called, “Come collect your lesbian!”

Katya had been sitting on the closed toilet lid, wrapped in a thick fluffy towel. She’d looked tiny and exhausted but she had looked up at Trixie and even given her a small smile. Trixie had fetched a pair of old, soft pyjama pants and one of her own shirts, that was huge on Katya but that she liked to sleep in, got her dressed and tucked her in.

“I’m gonna say bye to Ginger,” Trixie had whispered into the half-dark of the room and Katya had nodded and briefly squeezed her wrist

Ginger was already waiting for her by the door, absentmindedly petting Dolly.

“Thanks for calling me.”

“Of course. Thank you for coming so quickly.” They both spoke in hushed voices.

At the beginning of their relationship there had been a nagging little voice at the back of Trixie’s mind that told her it wasn’t right that Ginger and Katya shared something she didn’t understand and that Ginger could help her when Trixie couldn’t. On that day the voice disappeared completely. Nothing could be more important than making sure Katya was alright. And if it wasn’t her who made that happen then so be it.

“Hey, you alright?” Ginger’s question had pulled Trixie out of her thoughts and she’d nodded.

“Yeah. I’ve just never seen her like that.”

“That’s because she hasn’t been like that in ages. You’re good for her.”

“I am?” Trixie had asked, having a hard time believing it.

“You keep her grounded and busy. And you remind her that this is the life she can have. She was struggling a lot more when she was just keeping it together for the sake of keeping it together.”

It was hard to imagine Katya as anything other than the excited and interesting woman with a hunger for life that Trixie had met the day of their interview, even if she knew that that woman sometimes got overshadowed by something darker and colder. Hearing Ginger say it as frankly as she said everything had made Trixie feel less useless. Before she had left Ginger had hugged her - _really_ hugged her - and the moment broke down something between the two of them.

Not all days are good days, but most are.

_______

 

“Where the hell is Ashleigh? I only asked her to buy some more soda and it's been two hours. Is she bottling it herself?”

“I’m sure she has a good reason, she’ll be back in time,” Katya says with her arms full of decorations, not stopping on her way outside.

Trixie huffs. She could have needed Ashleigh's help to prepare the food and now she had to do it all herself. They'll have guests arriving for Trixie's birthday party in less than an hour and she hasn't even showered yet.

She's about to head to the bathroom when the doorbell rings. Through the glass door she can see Katya and Adore hanging up lanterns in the garden. They haven't seemed to notice so Trixie goes to answer the door herself.

“Happy birthday!” Kim and Evie say in unison as soon as the door opens in front of them.

“You're early.”

“I know. Katya called me yesterday, saying you're probably going to be ridiculously stressed about this whole thing, so we’re here to help you get ready,” Kim explains and pushes past her into the house, Evie not far behind her, carrying Kim’s makeup kit and grinning at Trixie.

The two of them have struck up an unlikely friendship founded in Evie's admiration for Kim's hair and makeup skills. Shortly after meeting Kim had offered to show her a few things and quickly Evie had become a very capable assistant. She had even accompanied Kim to some gigs, earning a bit of money on the side.

Despite that Trixie was still Evie's favourite and even though Trixie didn't have favourites among the youth center kids Evie was her favourite.

Over the past year and a half she has become a constant in their life. At first Trixie had sought her out at the center because she was the only one Trixie really knew and Evie liked her without Trixie having to do anything for it. It turned out that not trying very hard and just hanging out with Evie was the best way to convince all the others that she was cool.

As Evie had predicted her mother came around to the center fairly quickly once Trixie was there regularly. She started picking Evie up on days she knew Trixie was there and Trixie made more of an effort with her than she did with anybody else. After a while she had seemed to realize that nobody there was brainwashing her child, but that Evangeline had an entire group of friends who embraced her the way she was. She was still not the most supportive parent to a trans kid but she was willing to learn and she tried. Evie had excitedly texted Trixie when her mother had called her Evangeline for the first time. It was almost a year now since she had started hormone replacement therapy.

She had filled out quite a bit and Trixie had passed some of her old clothes on to her. She didn’t fit into any of them anymore and Katya - _Katya_ of all people - had called her a hoarder. They’d had a fun day where Evie came over and rummaged through all of Trixie’s old clothes, some of them costumes she’d worn on stage and in the end it had been Katya who hadn’t wanted to part with them, once she pointed out which specific concert Trixie had worn them to.

Today Evie is wearing a yellow pinafore dress that once upon a time was part of a stupid slutty mathlete costume Trixie had paired with a big pink wig. It looks a lot more modest on Evie.

“Oh wow, it actually covers your butt!” Trixie says while Kim and Evie dump everything they’re carrying in the living room.

“Yes, I’ve had to take it in a little as well.”

“God, I was flashing everyone while I wore this. It wasn’t made for somebody tall and I’ve always had a big ass.”

“Yeah you have!” Katya yells from outside and holds up her hand for Adore to high five her, who immediately does. Trixie rolls her eyes and goes to finally take her shower. When she gets out of it Kim immediately starts on her hair and Evie does her makeup so all Trixie has to do is sit there and wait. They get her ready in record time and Trixie stops Evie before she can put lipstick on her. At the top of her lungs she yells “Lipstick!” out the open bathroom door. Evie looks at her with confusion while Kim sighs. Then steps are quickly approaching and Katya rounds the corner. She hurries into the bathroom and firmly kisses Trixie for longer than they usually would when there’s other people around. Then she leaves again, as quickly as she appeared, and Trixie puts on her lipstick.

It’s the first time Evie has witnessed that particular ritual so Trixie explains, “I don’t want Katya to ruin my lipstick so I always let her know before I put it on and she can kiss me one last time. At least until I forget I’m wearing makeup and she ruins it anyway.”

She’s about to check up on Katya and ask if everything is done, but Adore stops her in the hallway, not even letting her into living room.

“You can’t go in there right now,” Adore explains with wide eyes, standing in the doorway.

“Why not?”

“Because you’re not allowed to look outside.”

Trixie sighs. It’s already been a long day and she doesn’t have time for this. “Are you all done with setting up?”

Adore nods enthusiastically. “Yes! You’re gonna love it!”

“I better,” she mutters under her breath and then Adore is saved by the doorbell. “Can I answer that or am I also not allowed to open my own door?”

“No, that’s cool.”

Trixie gives her a dark look before letting in Jinkx and Dela, as it turns out. Apparently her birthday party has officially begun because Jinkx pulls her into a hug and while still holding her starts singing Happy Birthday in their surprisingly booming voice. It is supremely awkward, but Trixie takes it in stride, as she does all the strange things Jinkx does. Luckily Dela just opts for hugging her.

Once Trixie had gotten through Dela’s exterior of frantic energy she turned out to be the sweetest person alive, apparent from the adoration all the kids obviously have for her, with a surprisingly wicked sense of humour that fits great with Trixie’s. She also has a talent for keeping things organized and getting Jinkx to do what she wants, so in Trixie’s eyes she’s a miracle worker. Dela and her work great together and Dela had quickly adopted her, as what Trixie still isn’t sure, but they have become fast friends.

“Hey, Adore,” Trixie calls down the hall, “can my guests go outside?” Instead of Adore Katya comes inside.

“Yeah, we’re all done.” She hugs Jinkx and Dela as well and then kisses Trixie’s cheek. “Sorry, Trix, there’s no way we could gift-wrap your present.”

“Is that why Ashleigh was gone so long?” Trixie hasn’t even seen her sister again, but her and Katya had formed an unholy alliance the day they met and she has no doubt she’s around somewhere, executing some plan the two of them came up with.

Katya only winks. They don’t even have time to move out of the hallway because the next to arrive are Alaska, Sasha, Ginger and Ginger's wife Jen. They had only met last summer and gotten married 6 months later. Katya had joked that Ginger couldn’t bear being in a less stable situation than her so the only solution was to get married. But Jen is a very easy-going, very lovely and very butch woman, who has brought out a soft side in Ginger that according to Katya had always been there, but that Trixie had never seen before.

Katya takes the lead and herds the entire group of people onto the veranda, but tells Trixie to wait inside after Ashleigh, the little traitor, gives her a thumbs-up from outside.

“Okay, keep your eyes closed, I’ll lead you.”

Trixie sighs, but obediently closes her eyes. Then nothing happens.

“Are you waving your hands around in front of my face to see if I’m looking? You know that only makes sense when the person is blindfolded, right?” The fact that Katya doesn't say anything tells her that's exactly what she was doing.

Then there's an arm around her waist and Katya grabs her hand. She starts carefully leading Trixie outside, warning her about the door and the step down onto the veranda, as if Trixie couldn't navigate this place in her sleep. They keep going and the ground changes from solid stone to soft grass and then flowers brushing around Trixie's calves. She stumbles a little on the uneven ground, but Katya pulls her close and steadies her. Even then she doesn't open her eyes. Trixie is certain they must have walked across their entire property by now, when Katya stops them and turns Trixie so she's facing in another direction than they've been walking in. Then there are no more hands touching her.

“Okay, you can open your eyes now.”

Trixie does and immediately blinks in the bright light. While she's still doing that she hears the buzzing and, sure enough, once her eyes have adjusted to the summer sun she sees the beehive standing in the meadow about ten feet away.

“Bees!” is all she can say in her stunned state.

“Do you like them?” Katya asks tentatively behind her and Trixie turns around, seeing all their guests looking at her expectantly, Ashleigh with Katya's camera in hand. Then she takes in Katya's nervous look and while she's stepping up to her and wrapping her arms around her Trixie is already tearing up.

“I love them.” With her hand at the back of Katya's neck she pulls her in for a kiss and Trixie can hear the telltale sound of a camera shutter clicking. She puts her middle finger up in Ashleigh's general direction and it clicks again. When they pull apart Trixie is highly aware of everybody staring at her while she's crying and she sniffs.

“Show's over, everybody.” That gets her a few laughs and the tension dissolves. Trixie wipes her cheeks with the back of her hand and it comes back with black streaks on it.

“Oh, since your makeup is already ruined does that mean I get to kiss you as much as I want?” Without waiting for a reply Katya pulls them close together and their lips find each other again.

“Gross!” Evie yells and Katya pulls back.

“I will not stand for homophobic comments in my own home.”

Trixie throws her head back and laughs.

Then Katya explains, “They’re a gift from your entire family and me. Your mom helped me make sure that the bees are gonna be happy here and there’s a bunch of beekeeping equipment too that she said you’d know what to do with. And Ashleigh helped setting everything up and then getting everything here.”

Trixie goes to hug Ashleigh, who returns it enthusiastically, and the entire group makes their way back to the veranda. While Katya makes sure everyone gets food and drinks Trixie excuses herself and goes inside to clean up her face and to take a few breaths and collect herself. She’s been high-strung and irritated all day, for no other reason than that they’d have a couple of friends come over, people who love her and who she loves. It’s still more people than they’ve ever had over and it’s not like she could just go home if it got too much for her. Katya’s and her family’s combined gift had reminded her that every single person here wants her to be happy and if things really got too much for her she has no doubt Katya would kick all of them out with a smile.

She gets a makeup wipe and carefully removes the tracks of mascara on her face and considers putting a new layer on but then leaves it. Instead she grabs her phone and calls her mom.

“Bee! Happy birthday, sweetheart! I didn’t expect to hear from you today, I hear you’re very busy.”

“Yeah, I snuck away from the party for a second to talk to you. Thanks so much for the bee colony, I love it.”

“Oh, I barely did anything. It was Katya’s idea and she and Ashleigh made it happen.”

“Still, I really appreciate it.”

“Of course! Lauren was a little disappointed that she’d have to give you something you actually like. I’ll never understand why you two insist on gifting each other terrible stuff.”

Trixie laughs. “She’ll just have to step it up and get me something super awful for Christmas.”

Why Lauren and her had made it a tradition to find the worst possible thing for the other one she can’t quite explain herself. Maybe it’s because they’re both stubborn and can’t just admit that they actually love each other. Katya had pointed out last Christmas that she spent more time picking out Lauren’s present than anybody else’s and Trixie hadn’t known how to feel about that. Not that it had mattered much because Trixie had met her 2-month-old nephew that day. She had sat on her mother’s couch, Katya sitting on the armrest and peering over her shoulder at the tiny face belonging to the tiny human in her arms. She had been too in awe of him to even say anything other to Lauren and Brad than, “You did good with that one.”

Her mother had thought that was an excellent opportunity to bring up that adoption is a great thing and Katya had laughed that weird nervous laugh of hers. Thinking of the center Trixie had clarified that they already had currently 32 children and that that was more than enough. Then she had asked Josh about how things were going with his girlfriend because revenge is sweet.

Trixie and Josh had had a very awkward conversation the day before in which her brother really only had meant to say that he also has a girlfriend now, but had somehow managed to bring up lesbian sex and it had ended with Trixie saying, “Oh my god, I’m not going to teach you how to go down on a woman!” loud enough for the rest of their family to hear in the next room. Katya, helpful as ever, had cheerfully called, “But she definitely could!”

“Alright, Bee, I don’t want to keep you from your party. Give Katya my love and have a great day!”

“Thanks, Mom, you too. Talk to you soon!”

Back outside Trixie drops a kiss on Katya’s head. “My mom says hi.”

Her and Sasha are making plans to go see some performance art piece and when asked if she wants to come along Trixie says, “Only if Shea comes too. I don’t want to be the only person there who has to laugh.” Like Trixie, Shea, who couldn’t make it today, was very supportive of her girlfriend and all her artistic tendencies but did just not get some of it. That’s how the two of them had bonded when Katya had dragged her to a poetry reading one time.

Apart from her love for weird art that goes over Trixie’s head her and Sasha get on great. She has a serenity to her that everybody else at the magazine seems to lack and she has made them a well balanced team. And of course she’s taken a huge workload off Katya, which both Katya herself and Trixie appreciate.

Trixie sits down next to Adore and Ashleigh for a moment.

“So did you come here for Trixie’s birthday?” Adore asks her sister.

“Oh no, I had a job interview in town two days ago and stayed longer.”

Ashleigh had interviewed for a position as social media manager and had spent the last two days telling her and Katya that there was no way she was going to get it, but that it never hurt to try. Trixie is just glad she’s started looking for opportunities to get out of Wisconsin. Trixie had written a song about that and Ashleigh had not seemed to appreciate it at the time, but Trixie can’t imagine having an older sibling tell her how to live her life and being overly happy about it. But it had apparently hit a nerve and Ashleigh has seriously started job hunting. It also makes Trixie happy that Ashleigh is specifically looking in San Francisco, she’d love to have her sister around permanently. She’s extremely bright and hard-working, Trixie has no doubt she’ll find a position that suits her soon.

“If it doesn’t work out you could ask Ginger for a job, she’s been considering getting somebody for marketing," Adore suggests.

Trixie snorts. “Maybe my straight sister is not the best person to do that for a lesbian magazine.”

“Oh my god, I just totally forgot straight people exist, sorry!” Adore looks genuinely apologetic and Trixie just laughs, but Ashleigh doesn’t.

“Yeah, actually I don’t think that’s true?”

Trixie blinks. “What isn’t?”

“That I’m straight.”

Trixie screeches. “Seriously?”

“I think I’m bisexual? But I’m not sure. Women are just really pretty.”

“Hell yeah!” Adore holds up one hand for her to high-five and Ashleigh does with a grin.

Trixie reaches over and puts one hand on her arm. “You did it. You made my birthday party 100 percent gay. Thank you.”

Trixie gets herself a wine glass and clinks it against Ashleigh’s, toasting to coming out surrounded by gay women.

“Speaking of which, how’s Bianca?” Trixie asks Adore. Since that New Year’s Eve the two of them are sometimes officially dating and sometimes not, because Bianca lives and works in New York, but Trixie doubts they’ve ever spend a full 24 hours not talking to each other. Katya thinks it’s not going to be long now until Adore packs her bags and is off to the east coast, but she has her entire family and all of her friends here so they’re all waiting to see what she’ll decide and hoping it will happen soon. Their perpetual will-they-won’t-they was starting to grate on everybody, especially Alaska, who remains the only single person at the office.

“Why would I know how my ex-girlfriend is?” So they are currently broken up. Trixie gives Adore a look. “She’s great, she’s planning to fly out here for a couple days next month,” she admits.

Trixie is in the kitchen putting more drinks into the fridge when the doorbell rings. Confused she makes her way down the hallway. The only ones of their friends that aren’t here are Violet and Fame who are currently on holiday in the south of France, as is evident by Violet’s Instagram feed filled with them posing gracefully in the evening sun by the ocean.

“Michelle!”

“Surprise!”

Her manager pulls her into a hug and presses a bottle of wine into Trixie’s hand.

“What are you doing here? Not that I’m not happy to see you, but how…”

Michelle seems completely unbothered by Trixie’s rudeness and comes inside.

“I happened to be in town and Katya told me to pop by if I had the time. I can’t stay long, I have an early flight back to LA tomorrow.”

“How did Katya even get your number?” Trixie mumbles but Michelle is already following the voices and has found her way outside. Katya is already handing her a slice of cake and all Trixie can do is follow. Katya catches her looking and grins. Before sitting down with Michelle Trixie stops next to where Katya is sitting.

“What else have you been doing behind my back?”

Katya raises both hands in a gesture of innocence. “That’s it, no more surprises, I promise!” They grin at each other and Trixie bends down, briefly pressing her lips to Katya’s temple.

“What, are you telling me I’m not the main surprise?” Michelle asks with a smile, taking a large bite of cake.

“I got a colony of bees!” For emphasis Trixie repeats, “ _Bees_ , Michelle!”

Michelle doesn’t appear to know what to do with that information and just says, “Oh!”

“Does that mean you’ll have your own honey?” Evie asks from the other side of the table.

“I’ve already got my own honey,” Katya says with an exaggerated wink in Trixie’s direction and a shit-eating grin. A groan goes around the table.

“That was disgusting, I’m breaking up with you right now,” Trixie deadpans. “I can’t believe you write for a living. Ginger, if you want to fire her for that I would fully understand.”

“I’ve tried to fire her before, but she just won’t leave.”

“I’m difficult to get rid of, ask Trixie.”

Trixie rolls her eyes.

Michelle has finished her cake and sets down the plate. “Show me those bees?”

The sun has set, only leaving them with a faint orange glow and both of them stumble a little in the tall grass.

“Wow, that is an actual beehive!” Michelle says surprised when they get there. “I don’t know what I was expecting.” With nightfall the buzzing has stopped, but they are surrounded by crickets.

“Isn’t that weird and great?” Trixie asks with a grin and Michelle smiles back.

“It is, kid.”

“You realize I’m literally 37 now and you’re not nearly old enough to be my mother, right?”

At that she laughs. “Thank you for noticing that! Not that you were ever childish, but when we met I did feel very protective of you. I guess that just stuck.”

Trixie almost asks if she really was such a mess, but she knows she was.

“It’s amazing how much you’ve changed and what you’ve done in the last couple of years. I’m so proud of you, Trixie.”

Taken aback Trixie wraps her arms around herself in the evening chill, trying to come up with a reply. She had hired Michelle 7 years ago because she needed somebody to keep the world off her back but who she could trust and feel safe around. Back then she hadn’t thought that person might genuinely care about her but she doesn’t doubt Michelle means what she says with all her heart.

“I wouldn’t have done any of that without Katya.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. She’s obviously great for you but in the end it was you who went and did those things, not her. You’ve been working so hard for so long and it’s only right that you get to have this now.” She gestures to the veranda that is now softly lit by the lanterns Katya and Adore had put up earlier. She looks at the group of people chatting and laughing together and gives herself a moment to really take it all in. Michelle is right. This is the life she gets to live and she’s so grateful.

As always her eyes eventually settle on Katya, who is having an animated conversation with Jinkx, her hands flying around her as they tend to do, and even from the distance Trixie can see her bright smile. She’s still not fully sold that she’s earned this, but she is going to enjoy it.

_______

 

The next morning Trixie awakes just after sunrise, with Katya still sleeping soundly beside her. When she really concentrates she can make out the sound of their calm breathing underneath the birds singing outside. On every other day she would turn around, go back to sleep until either her alarm or Katya let her know it's time to start the day. Today something pulls inside her, telling her to get up and get outside, so she climbs out of bed. For a moment she thinks she woke up Katya but she just sniffles a little and wraps herself around the sheets that previously covered Trixie.

Dolly doesn't even open one eye when Trixie walks past her, grabs her favourite cardigan off the back of a chair and pulls it on over her nightgown. The cool morning air hits her when she opens the sliding door and steps outside, the stone tiles cold underneath her bare feet. She leaves behind the cultivated part of the garden, cut grass turning to wild weeds and flowers. The closer she gets, the louder the buzzing gets and she stops at a safe distance. It feels like the only creatures awake in the world are her and her bees.

Trixie sits down in the grass and closes her eyes, lets the sun warm her skin and enjoys the sounds around her, just for a little while. Soon her world is going to be filled with people again, the quiet gone, but she's going to start the day gently, Trixie decides. She'll make pancakes, they're Katya's favourite. She doesn't know if that's because Katya really loves them or because it's the first thing they ever made together. They’ll drive her sister to the airport and Trixie will be sad to see her go but it's probably not goodbye for a long time. The rest of the day they’ll spend by the pool, Dolly cooling off on the steps, Trixie rubbing sunscreen into Katya's back and come evening she will still have to follow it up with aloe lotion on her now red skin.

Not all of their days are like that, but enough that Trixie knows how lucky they are. How lucky she is. Only a few years ago she would have spend a day like this alone, with only Dolly for company, probably working and going to bed with a constant, nagging sense of dissatisfaction at the back of her mind. She hasn't felt that in what seems like no time at all and an entire lifetime at once.

She thinks of Katya in their bed, beside her every day and tells herself that this is it, this is the happiest she's ever going to be. She thought so last night too and a few days before that and maybe next week she'll find herself even happier.

But for now she will remember this day and this happiness, surrounded by love and bees and wildflowers.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to hear what you think, you would make my day by leaving a comment! Or come say hi on tumblr [@connyhascontrol](https://connyhascontrol.tumblr.com/), *Katya voice* I'm very lonely.


End file.
